anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

The fear in my heart.

Thinking about the eventuality of starting pupillage on June 1 strikes major fear in my heart. Therefore, I am still not thinking about it, nevermind that it will probably serve me well to start thinking about it and coming to terms with the fact that, my life as I know it, will be officially over on June 1 - at least for the next few years.

Why all this doom and gloom? Because, in all honestly, I am deathly afraid of the lethal combination of two factors: first, the inevitable and almost-irresistible inertia that will, in all likelihood, take root once I enter the legal profession; and second, my own inherent preference for playing it safe, my aversion to risk-taking, my complacency and laziness, and my unwillingness to break out of my comfort zone and go after something that does not promise a requisite amount of success. This combination is lethal because I am afraid that I might one day wake up ten years later and regret my life - regret not going after the things that once mattered, the things that I loved, the things that I truly wanted. Money, while totally awesome, isn't everything. I'm sorry if I come across as flippant in saying this but I'd rather have choices than to be restricted to one route, with unreal choices, compelled to take a certain path because of the uninformed and completely flippant decision I made in 2005.

Of course, on the bright side, at least I have a good degree, at least I do not have to worry about getting a job (for now, that is), at least I was not stuck in a position where I was resigned to be chosen by universities and not the one doing the choosing. I know I have it good - better than good, actually. I know I have it effing fantastic. My life is amazing.

But even as I type that these ideas honestly exist merely in vacuum, as an abstract concept that I feel compelled to believe in because doing otherwise would make me seem ungrateful and spoiled - two things which I definitely am, but with growing up comes a time when you stop dwelling on your immature, teenage fantasies, start facing your life as it really is, rise up to the occasion of accepting your own responsibilities and just...grow up. I feel too old for so many things I used to enjoy in the past: clubbing (though I wouldn't say I completely enjoyed it. Not that I ever clubbed a lot), drinking (again, after the initial novelty wore off, it ceased to be much fun), shopping (shocking but true), crushing on boys, revelling in the excitement of The Chase and the over-analysing, the picking apart everything he says, spending time with a person of interest (pardon the legalistic undertone). I suppose I'm quite glad that I still don't feel too old for fangirling; but I wouldn't be surprised if the day comes when I wake up and find it completely silly to write all these entries about Roger Federer, Kris Allen, whoever I happen to be fangirling over in the moment.

I feel like my life is over, when objectively I think I know that it's only just begun. But the thing with me is that I've always been ruled by my heart, that I'm more emotional than rational - and if I feel negatively about something even while I can think positively about it, the emotional negativity will edge out the rational, intellectual positivity. And so I choose not to think about starting pupillage, nevermind that I'm not completely dreading it, and that a small part of me is genuinely rather excited about taking on the challenge of a new phase in my life (but then, I think about taking the freaking MRT to work every morning and I just want to kill myself or whore myself out and nab a hot rich guy who can drive me to and from work every day). But well, what can I do when the dread unfortunately outweighs the excitement?

Of course, I still choose to look on the bright side and hope for the best. If my obsession with Roger has changed anything in me, it's that there's always the choice to do that: look on the bright side and hope for best. Considering the fact that I was woefully late for the Federer Express, that's pretty much my default mode of operation when it comes to him: look on the bright side (he's still playing; he's still #2; he's still Roger Federer) and hope for the best (every single time I follow a new tournament, I hope he wins).

Okay, I've kind of lost the plot. I was distracted by my phone which I just charged (I always turn it off when I charge my phone) and a flood of SMSes came in (okay it was like 3 SMSes but yeah), so now I have no idea what I was going to say, and I'm too lazy to read my crappy writing back to jolt my memory as to what the heck it was I was getting to, so this shall go down in my personal history as an abortive attempt at a thoughtful entry. Isn't that wonderful? I totally think so.

***

I met up with Hani on Wednesday and we had a great time at Starbucks bitching about the guys in this country.

In all seriousness though, I've been thinking about it, and talking to a couple of my friends about it, and I realised that my love life, from June 1 onwards, is only going to get worse. As much as I'm gonna enjoy the pay (even if it's $500 less), as much as I'm gonna be all snobbish and snotty about the whole LOOK AT ME I'M A FUCKING LAWYER thing (I'm kidding. Really), all this means that the pool of guys from which I can choose from will be even more limited than ever.

The questions I have to ask myself are: Can I go out with someone who earns less than me? Can I go out with someone who doesn't have a professional degree? Can I go out with someone who doesn't have a car when I at least have a family car? Can I go out with someone who doesn't even have the option of driving me home from work?

Of course, there are other questions as well; but there's no point in asking those questions - can I go out with someone who's nice, but bland; can I go out with someone whose sense of humour sucks - when these fundamental ones aren't even answered to begin with.

Okay, I'm not sure if I'm serious about them being fundamental questions. Or rather, I'm not serious in the strict sense, and the real fundamental question is "Can I go out with someone who expects me to convert to his religion?" (the answer is no). But then, sad to say, the materialistic questions are also important questions - precisely because I know myself too well to pretend that they're not. It's not so much because I love money; it's more because, sad to say, I'm a stupid arrogant entitled snob and therefore I will judge you by these silly materialistic things. Qualifications, salary, job. Sad yardsticks with which to measure one's intelligence and competence, to be sure; but that's the truth of the matter. Not just for me, but for...well, pretty much this world, really.

I feel really sad for the individual I've become. Sometimes I wonder if I'd still be this person if law school never happened. Law school groups people together in a small, intimate setting, and this tiny bubble tricks you into believing you're better than everyone else. Whether that is true or not is debatable, to be sure; but simultaneously, it's an irresistible pretend-truth. Who doesn't want to be special? Who doesn't want to be important? Who doesn't want to be envied?

At the same time, being an insider gives me the benefit of knowing that there is nothing envious about being in the bubble. It's made question all these things about myself that I took for granted to be absolute truths. It's a hell of a roller-coaster ride, intellectually and emotionally, and it insidiously limits your choice until you feel as if you have no choice but to soldier on, down a route you didn't actually genuinely want. Of course, somewhere along the way you lucked out, chose the modules that interested you, had the luxury of choosing the firm and having the firm not reject you. Those are good things, really good things...but sometimes I wonder if this honestly-unpleasant person I've become isn't an inevitable outcome of this law school thing, taking into consideration the snob that I already was in Jurong Junior.

But back to the original questions. Can I do all of those things? Prima facie the answer is a no. A loud, resounding 'no'.

But then, sometimes, it's still about the person, not the thing. It's about the substance, not the form. And I'm still a stupid, stupid little girl, back at the starting line, hoping to get it right this time.

***

Fuck this dumb entry. I'm gonna go off and do something productive now. Like watch tennis. Bwahaha.

Oh yeah, I totally love tweeting to Andy Roddick even though he tweets back to like, 1 out of every 239425 person that tweets to him. Let's see if I can get a 'happy birthday' out of him when my birthday rolls around. And since it's also commencement, let's see if I can get a 'happy graduating'.

Oh, and also, omigosh bloody French Open draw has so many names, it made my head spin. Dunno how I'm gonna make my ATP Challenge picks. And I'm probably never going to bet on tennis because I'm chicken. Yep.

Then again, when money starts rolling into my bank account, I might just re-consider that.
Tags: andy roddick, guys, law school, legal profession, personal, pupillage, roland garros, tennis
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