anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

quarter-life crisis.

I sat down next to an ang moh guy on bus 170. It was the only available seat and it was one of those three-seaters that face the side of the bus, as opposed to the front of the bus. At Chinese High he turned to me and asked, "Is this a secondary school?"

I said, "Yeah."

Then the mind blanked and I didn't know what else to say, I wasn't feeling chatty, I really just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts, and so I didn't say anything.

Turned out he was going to Ngee Ann. He asked me a while later again, "Is Ngee Ann poly nearby? This bus is taking really long." I decided to be polite and asked a few polite questions, and found out polite things about him, like he was from Germany, he was doing Computer Science, he was doing an attachment at Ngee Ann. He asked me what I was doing, the usual polite questions, and I ran out of polite things to say and the mind blanked again and I spent the rest of the bus ride wishing it'd reach Ngee Ann already.

I'm bad, aren't I? On the bright side, he pointed to the greyish skulls and hearts Mango racerback I wore and said, "I like your shirt."

At the back of my head I was cynically and sceptically wondering if he really liked my shirt or he just liked the depth of the neckline.

I'm bad, aren't I? But he seemed like a nice chap so it was just me being cynical and bad. He wasn't that cute though; his friend was cuter. Uh, yeah.

So, that was the one non-samey thing that happened to me today.

**

I officially hate the sight of my body. Trading one body image issue for another - how idiotic, isn't it? I think it is. I think my self-esteem with regard to my physical appearance is at an all-time low. I've never felt this disgusted when I look at my naked body in the mirror, not even before I lost weight and had fats all over my body. I think I need to do something this. But I don't know what to do about it.

Sometimes, things get out of hand. They really do. You think you have everything under control and you cruise along, optimism springing eternal in your breast, your smile silencing the pessimistic, rational voices around you. You want to believe that it will work, that everything will be okay eventually once you get there.

But things get out of hand. You slip just a little and you lose your grip. Then you lose control, then you inflict damage, then you find yourself in the middle of a wreckage not knowing where to start rebuilding. You're lost in a way you haven't been in a very, very long time, no longer grounded, but drifting in and out of every single day, aimless and dazed.

It's one thing to lose control over things that are not strictly and necessarily within your control. But when you start losing control over the way your own body looks, it makes you wonder, it makes you pause. It frustrates you. And that's just putting it mildly.

**

Can't believe half my friends are going for exchange the next academic year. Will be missing them.

You know, I can't be bothered with a lot of things nowadays. The exams in particular. Like, I know it's like, 29 days or whatever, but I don't care. I just want this entire semester to end because I'm sick of it, I hate 2/3 of my modules, I only barely like one of them, and even then I have so much to catch up on that I don't want to start.

I'm irritated with so many things, I'm lost and I'm confused, I don't feel social, I don't feel like talking to anyone, I just want to be left alone, I don't feel like driving, I don't feel like reading, I just want to sit in my room all day long and watch mindless dramas like Grey's Anatomy to take my mind off things, I don't even want to talk to my parents, I can't be bothered to clear my bed which is cluttered with stuff so I sleep in my brother's room every night, I've lost my rationality and my fucking anchor and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, once more.

This is turning out to be one hell of a horrible, horrible year. At this rate, all I want for my birthday is for some really nice friend to slip me some really fucking strong sleeping pill so that I'd sleep through the whole damn day and wake up the next day and just be 21. My mom wants me to a celebratory thing and I'm like, "I'm really not up to it. I can't be bothered. I don't want a room full of people that know me but don't know each other because it's bloody awkward and I don't want to deal with such situations, and I don't want to feel awkward playing host which I can't do anyway, so just...no."

I wish I had my licence because I think driving fast is really fun. Even though I can't slow down properly. But driving fast is really fun. Especially when you're feeling like you can't sink any lower and need some semblance to a near-death experience to cheer yourself up.

I've always said that I'd go sky-diving when I feel extremely suicidal. I think there's still hope for me 'cause the thought of going sky-diving is damn bloody scary.

**

I don't know what the hell Administrative Law is. I think I should go find out. I'm SO not going for Prof W's class tomorrow. Like, over my dead, boob-less body. Thank you.

Tags: angst, conversations, driving, i'm fat, law school, personal
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