It was rather weird.
I had a distinct thought when he finally showed up and sat down opposite me: 'How was I attracted to him?'
This question became slightly clearer as time passed, but it was weird anyway. It was definitely not like before. We talked about things (mostly me bitching about my PhD) as if we'd never shared any intimacy; no throwback to what we used to do, what we knew about each other (however limited). I wanted to ask if he'd eventually read the book that I gave him at Books Actually on our first real date (The Good Soldier; brilliant book) but it seemed inappropriate to bring up the past, for some reason.
It was just so...inconsequential. I was trying not to care in a needless way; trying to be casual. But there was nothing in particular that I wanted to say to him. The primary aim was to see if seeing him again would ignite any of the sparks that existed before.
It didn't. At all.
We left each other with a feeble 'see you'. What does that even mean? Do I still care?
I confess to having unrealistic fantasies of meeting him in a bar, having a meaningful conversation, re-establishing the lost connection. It seemed really nice in my head, romantic even; exactly like how the memories of him were the things that I missed, not him. He is better as a thought, partly a figment of my imagination, my idealisation; in real life, it is disappointing.
I didn't expect much, but I expected a bit more than the nothing that happened. I thought maybe I should try this again, and I do really want to go to this particular bar but two of my best friends are not in the country; but I thought again, There's actually just the one person that I want to have a drink with right now, and it's not G; he's not even in this country.
Seeing him was a good experience. I think I really needed this reality check to finally let go of the memories. I found it rather incredible that he didn't even remember my fake vegetarianism. I mean, he didn't remember that either when we went out, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised; but this forgetfulness, lack of attention, whatever one wishes to call it, will get really annoying after a while, especially since I remember a lot of things when I'm in a relationship.
97 entries and a year later, I think it's safe to say that this is really, really over.
On another note, I am so sick and tired of the PhD. I am so burnt out and unmotivated. I don't know what happened. In Melbourne, something happened. I literally fell sick, I was tired of the library, I had a glimpse of a simpler life and suddenly I resent what I'm doing. If this was supposed to make me happy, it is really failing miserably right now.