anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Clarification

Just in case last night's rambling was unclear, the only point that I was making was that Bruno has been the only person - literally the only person - who has made me reconsider my stance on not wanting religion in my life. I was already familiar with all the counter arguments to my apparently staunchly held beliefs: no practical consequence; even if children raised religious, what they decide in adulthood is their own choice; what matters is his character, how he treats me, etc. I was familiar with these arguments because my mother tried to make me understand, but I was close-minded and I didn't want to let go of what I thought was an integral part of my identity.

Until Bruno came along.

For some strange reason which I am presently unable to grasp, I have really questioned what I am holding on to when I reject the idea of a religious boyfriend/husband. I have questioned its fundamental importance. I have also wondered if there is something about myself that I am blind to, something that keeps me going in circles in this seemingly endless loop of the same old pattern, the same old issues; and perhaps I am blind to the possibility that what I thought was important isn't that important after all.

But nobody has ever made me challenge my atheistic assumptions; and by this I mean my assumption that I would be better off with someone who is atheist, like me (though maybe I am agnostic). It seems significant now that religion has never been a deal breaker at the start; rather, it has always played an after-the-fact justificatory role. And even when I was really close to a guy who treated me like a princess but whose religious views fundamentally differed fro mine, I was never inclined to challenge my own beliefs for his sake.

So why do I feel inclined to do so when it comes to Bruno? It seems that other things have taken priority over what was supposed to be fundamental issue. I can't pinpoint it save that it is the sense of security that I feel when I am with him. Maybe it is clouding my judgment; but on the contrary, I have never been thinking so clearly about these issues as I am now.

I have also never really challenged my atheistic assumptions. I didn't even become atheist after some careful period of reflection; it started as a bout of teenage rebellion when I studied at a Catholic school, and it became the position that made the most sense to me (intuitively) over the years. But it's so contingent, the beliefs that we choose (even the idea that we choose these beliefs suggests some kind of contingency). I have never suffered an existentialist crisis that compelled me to seek solace in a higher being. I was brought up in an agnostic household with parents who disliked religion when they were younger. I had stopped questioning the source of my beliefs, thinking they are my own, when the truth is, my parents were just like me ten years ago. We are the product of our environment, at least to some extent; and so is it surprising that I was hostile to the idea of having religion in my personal life?

But I don't think I would be questioning anything if it had been somebody else. I didn't question anything when I was with Dominic. There is simply something about Bruno. Dating him - the prospect of not dating him anymore - has truly forced my hand.

For once, I am ready to admit that maybe I can live with the things that I thought I could never live with; and that maybe I was actually wrong all these years.

Tags: bruno, dating, religion
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