anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

fuck exams and law school.

I'm woefully in the wrong course and it's so plain now that it's completely ridiculous. For some odd reason or other, the exam results were leaked last night; they were supposed to be released a day after Christmas. Ruishan told me about it and I was all, "Well, I don't care, I don't wanna know." Unfortunately for me, the thought of knowing just how badly I screwed up was way too tempting to resist and eventually I succumbed.

I succumbed, and I got the biggest shock of my life, and it only further reinforces what I've known since the second week of Year 1 Semester 1: I AM IN THE WRONG FUCKING COURSE.

C for Company, C+ for Property, A+ for CLT.

My Company grade is pretty much expected and I'm relieved I didn't fail, so who cares. But C+ for Property? Oh my god. Like I said, this is completely ridiculous. It doesn't matter at all that I didn't hate the module, that my feelings towards it weren't as negative as my feelings towards all the other eight-credit modules I've taken save for Criminal Law. Have I mentioned how ridiculous this is? When I thought I might manage a halfway-decent grade for a fucking eight-credit fucking module, it comes back to slap me in the face with a goddamn C+.

Seriously. What the hell am I doing wrong?

Oh wait, I know the answer to that: I'm in law. That sums up every.single.fucking.thing.

Getting an A+ for CLT is pretty cool but I still got a pathetically embarrassing C+ for Property and it's been more than 12 hours and I'm still pissed off. That's it - I'm throwing in the towel. No more trying, no more giving a damn, I'll just do what I always do and get a 2-2. Who the fuck cares. I hate law school, I hate law, I'm meant to write and that's the be all end all.

Okay, so if we consider the fact that I didn't even manage to touch on any of the topics I did for the Property paper before the exam, it'd be obvious that I was severely over-reaching when I thought maybe I could get something that looks like a B. But still. I'm so sick of the old tried, tested and fucking boring excuse, "Oh I didn't study anyway." "Oh I didn't try anyway." "Oh I didn't care anyway."

Because seriously? Once you're out of JC you're not allowed to say such irresponsible bullshit, not anymore. Childish, immature, lame, a bunch of lousy excuses. Just grow up, once and for all.

More than ever I can't wait to get out of law school and get on with my life. This is the worst mistake I've ever made, bar none. Sucks for me, then, that, on a fucking balance of probabilities, this is more or less the rest of my life.

I want to do Literature, I want to write, I want to read poetry and die with a smile on my face because there's nothing else in the world that could be more beautiful than words. I want out so devastatingly badly and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. How tragic, how wrong, how irrevocable.

But I'm still me, and therefore I will find a way to deal.

**

Suddenly, I don't want to go to Bangkok anymore. The enticingly cheap shopping, all the short denim skirts I could buy, pure animalistic shopping madness, none of it do anything for me, not anymore. It's four days in Bangkok, then it's a couple of weeks of the semester break, then it's school all over again. I'm caught up in the moment, I'm struggling to compartmentalise, I'm exactly where I want to be.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The mocking irony in this phrase has never been clearer than it is now.

Tags: exams, grades, law school, neb
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