anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Caught beneath a landslide.

On Sunday, I unwittingly sprained a ligament in my tailbone while playing tennis. I remember complaining about an ache around my bum area when I got home, and a few hours later, it got so bad that I couldn't stand up without feeling the pain. I was brushing my teeth and making myself hurry so that I could get to my bed and lie down, in hopes of easing the pain a little.

It did feel better, but it still hurt even when I was lying down.

Because of this, I missed two days of work. In spite of that, I felt like I never really left work; that it was still a part of my day even though I wasn't physically there; and even though I was at home, I still felt stressed out thinking about the things that I had to do, the deadlines I had to meet.

More than ever, after these two days, it's crystal clear to me that I need a change. I can't keep being so damn unhappy all the time.

Also, I did waver on this over the last few months, but after an incident that occurred on Monday, I'm convinced that I have to go overseas and take that Masters. Even if it's just a temporary escape, I absolutely have to do it.

I'm still really inclined towards the London universities though, if only because I love London and I would quite like to study and live there for a year. The only problem is that I'm allergic to exams and all the courses have at least a 50% examination mode of assessment. The reason I eventually got a good degree in NUS is because I had the option of not taking an exam and submitting something written at home instead. Is this really a good reason not to go though? I don't know.

And I'm quite tempted to apply for next year's intake, but I haven't got my shit sorted out, so I think I'll wait until the 2012 intake.

I don't know. I just feel like 2010 has been an utter waste of time squandered on doing things I know that I don't want to do, on the pretext of "giving it a fair shot". I suppose it's easy to say that I should've left after pupillage, but then, if I were to do this thing where I look back and pinpoint the exact moment I screwed things up for myself, I very much doubt the result would be anything other than 2005, not leaving law school, and ultimately giving up the path that I've always wanted.

It may not seem like it, but I do try not to look back in regret. But when my life is a daily reminder of the mistakes that I made, I can't help but continue to wish that I had done things differently.


On another note, sometimes I wonder how this relationship is going to work out. I wonder how much family means to me, how much it matters to me whether my boyfriend gets along with them, how much it matters to him whether I get along with his family.

I don't know the answers to those questions.
Tags: angst, family, law school, personal, relationships, wei chuen, work

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