Oh shit, what the fuck, "v"? Obviously I meant "vs". No one is suing anyone here.
Anyway, I would love to sleep till noon again but I really want to catch some of these matches. Thankfully Wozniacki starts first (again) - I don't have to wake up for this because I don't care for her, at all. And to be honest, the only reason I wanna watch Li Na vs Vika Azarenka is because I wanna see Vika's dress. Have I already mentioned that I love tennis fashion?
Roger leads Robredo 9-0 and Robredo has no game, so I'm definitely expecting a straight sets win in under 2 hours. I hope Roger doesn't stay on the court for too long; he needs all the rest he can get.
Venus Williams retired against Petkovic last night, which is huge relief for me as it means MaSha has a higher chance of making it to the QF. I really hope like hell she'll win but um, that said, I'm not holding my breath.
I'd love to see Stan upset ARod here but ARod is the easier opponent for Roger (20-2, anyone?), so hmm, kind of torn. In any event, I just want to see some good tennis, so I hope they deliver.
(While I'm half on the subject of ARod: I swear, without his serve, he wouldn't be still in the tournament right now. He was dying against Robin Haase yesterday. Or rather, Robin Haase was definitely hitting him off the court. It was spectacular to watch, that second set - winners after winners, from all parts of the court. Too bad Haase was injured. And ARod's approach shots are still pathetic.)
Anyway, in other news, tennis today was pretty awesome. I think I played pretty well, save for the 50% of the shots off the backhand that didn't have any fucking net clearance (this really pisses me off) and one too many forehands that I accidentally hit way wide. I actually hit a serviceable volley today, as well as a slice that cleared the net, AND one unintentional backhand slice drop shot hahaha. That was pure luck and nothing more, as was this backhand lob that I unintentionally hit when all I wanted was to get the ball back.
Also, today was the first time I truly understood why some tennis players grunt audibly when they play. At the beginning, after maybe 20 minutes, my crappy fitness began to take its toll on me. I couldn't make my legs move; when I stopped for water I felt slightly nauseous; and when I started again my chest began to hurt and I couldn't breathe steadily in the middle of a rally (when the rally ended, I felt like I was handed an oxygen tank). So I recalled what NUS Wall Guy told me about teaching his students to regulate their breathing, by breathing in when preparing for a shot and breathing out when hitting the ball. The breathing out part is what produces the grunt, as some players find that it gives them added power or whatever.
Me? I just wanted to breathe properly and stop my chest from hurting. So I started to consciously regulate my breathing and it really helped my concentration when I breathed out audibly.
Obviously I'm not gonna start shrieking like MaSha or producing sounds like Nadal; that's just kind of weird on a recreational court. But I'm gonna remember this the next time my chest fucking hurts when I'm playing tennis on a Saturday morning.
I must be the most negative person in the world though. Despite the fact that I hit a really good backhand cross-court winner that had a pretty solid angle on it, really flat and unreturnable, the only thing that I could think about when I came home was an intense rally I had with Mr Topspin - two heavy forehands by me, and then on my third forehand I went for the winner. Unfortunately, I went for the lines a bit too much and totally missed. But I didn't miss by much - it was maybe an inch or so. I was so disappointed; that could have been a really great shot. I'm still quite disappointed, actually. I know it doesn't matter, but I just like to be able to nail these things - things that I actually care about.
Mr Topspin said, "You improved from the last time we played."
The last time I played with him was maybe 3, 4 weeks ago, also known as the time I strained my tailbone ligament. Since then, apparently, my shots have added depth.
To be honest, I'm really wondering if it's just a case of my fucking strings being too loose and needing to be restrung. It probably does - the last time I got my racquet strung was more than 3 months ago. Bleah.
Things that I care about. That's a tough one. I feel out of touch with myself, as if I've lost myself in this endless game of trying to stay afloat, trying to survive.
I'm not afraid to leave now, and I am ready to go. The thing is, I'm holding back because I can't tell if my blase belief that things will just work out for me without me even trying is real confidence on my part, or just a reckless knee-jerk reaction that's quite allergic to logical analysis, a result of me focusing too much on the negative things, without taking a step back to consider the whole picture - including a future that goes beyond the next two years.
I suppose my problem is still the same: I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I have some ideas, but they still feel like escape routes that I can't properly commit to.
Maybe it's reckless confidence. Maybe I really simply don't give a shit. Maybe I believe that I can do whatver I want not so much because it's true, but because I haven't had to work for anything that I've been given over the last 5 years. Yeah, I suppose I'm privileged; but truth be told, I think I prefer the word "lucky".
I'm tired of luckily stumbling and falling into my privileged position. I'm so resentful, in fact, that I'm thinking, "Fuck this shit, I don't care about any of this, I just want to fucking start over." I'm so sick of all this, of thinking about something so simple and so instinctive, of still wanting to try to do the right thing, as if that even means anything, of second-guessing a decision that I thought I'd already made. I'm not the kind of person to deliberate something over and over - that is, I analyse shit to death in my head (and on my blog, it seems), but when it comes to the actual decision, it's usually a snap moment in which I just know what to do, or decide, firmly, to do something. I'd been whinging about needing to diet for the longest time, but it was only until last week that I actively began to do so - and I literally just woke up one day and decided to do it.
I knew that my decision was the right one when Wei Chuen told me that there was no point wasting anymore time. I'm sitting around waiting for my life to happen and I'm so goddamn sick of it. I'm sick of taking a backseat in my own life and letting this powerful, nefarious force that inexplicably overwhelms me take control. I'm just going through the motions, and I know that I'm already mentally checked out; I knew that my decision was undoubtedly the right one.
So what's with the fucking hesitation? My sense of self-preservation, I suppose - I don't want to inevitably fuck things up.
Simultaneously, I can't go on being so damn unhappy all the time. I can't keep waking up to a new work week with no other emotion but dread. All my instincts are screaming at me to get the hell out before any more of my time is wasted on something that I don't want.
I realised a few days ago that I'm 25 this year, and with that realisation came a sense of panic, a sudden urge to rush to do all the things that I said I wanted to do, but which I never got around to doing. I can't even begin to name them, and the list has changed over the years; but I really - I need to stop being afraid. I need to snap out of this inertia. I need to stop analysing everything and over-thinking things and second-guessing myself.
Above all else, I need to be happy. That's the only resolution I made this year. Because the whole of last year, apart from my personal life, was just one painful memory of how I let things happen to me and then got unhappy and blamed everything and everyone else but myself, conveniently forgetting that the ball has always been in my own court.
If I were a pro player, I won't wait for my opponent to make the error; I'd go for my shots and make sure I wrestle the match from the person standing at the other side of the net.
This is the answer, really - this is why I'm in a rush. I'm tired, so goddamn fucking tired, of not living my life. And I won't worry about the consequences, because I know that things will just work out.