Of course, the best way to deal with that is to not think about it.
Therefore, I will proceed to talk about things I don't really care about. Like PLC.
So yesterday's tutorial was a snoozefest in which I sat in my seat and stared into space. What a great way to spend $1.50 on ERP, $1.50 on parking, x litres of petrol, and 50 minutes of my time driving to the Sub Courts. Not to mention the one hour in which I couldn't hear anything the tutor said. I honestly have no idea why we're being made to take this course that relates to the transaction of property. I mean really. It's about time they updated the clearly outdated syllabus.
In fact, I find this whole thing so mind-numbing that I miss law school now more than ever. It's not the slack life, or the social life, about law school that I miss. It's the intellectual rigour, the way I felt like my brains were worth something, that my intelligence was worth something. Now? Not so much. Not at all.
In a way, it's beginning to feel like the first two years of law school. Pedantic rules of constuction, plodding drafting, consequential but ultimately unimportant tiny little details. I feel the same way towards PLC (and I suppose by extension, practice - but at least practice lets me deal with real people, real cases, real money) as Contract Law and Company Law and LAWR. Basically, I am bowled over by how little I care.
If the world were perfect, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be taking the bar. It's a waste of time if it's not my grand plan - and it's not. Have I mentioned before I never once wanted to be a lawyer? And if truth be told, that hasn't changed very much. My focus has shifted from writing to something else, to be sure; but that something else is definitely not the legal profession.
So what the hell am I doing? That is a very good question. The short, convenient answer is that I need to finance my own Masters degree because once you reach a certain age, it becomes ridiculous (and even a little bit unconscionable) to turn to your parents for money, for a degree that, objectively, you don't need. Subjectively, of course, I need it; but objectively, anyone in my position wouldn't need to take a Masters because that person would be set for life. I am pretty much set for life.
Still, I have to believe there's more to life than this. There is more to life than the four closed walls of this tiny island state. There is more to life than the petty litigations that take place in the Subordinate Courts and the High Courts. Maybe I just think too highly of myself, and maybe I am doomed to spend my whole life over-reaching, and then failing massively; but if I don't, I'd feel like my entire life was wasted, and the last thing I want is to wake up 10 years later and regret the past 10 years of my life - 10 years that I'm never going to get back.
Well, this subject has officially depressed me further. Geez, I sure know how to cheer myself up.
The problem with me, though, is that I'm fucking exceedingly lazy. It's a huge problem. It didn't get in the way of law school eventually, but it's a huge fucking problem. I don't know what I'm doing.
Another problem with me is that I'm a fucking girl, now and forfuckingever. YAY. How utterly wonderful.
Aaaand now I'm hungry. Something is wrong with my digestion system. Thankfully I only had 1 cup of coffee today; I drank 2 yesterday against my better judgement and was a caffeine high all the way to the Sub Courts, and it wasn't a good kind. It was a kind that made your limbs quiver and shake and it's nearly impossible to control. Very nasty shit.
So here's the thing: People don't change. Parts of you are kept hidden until there is a reason to drag them out. And most of the time, they're parts that you'd rather not acknowledge exist.
I guess there's no choice. And I wouldn't be so averse to this if things didn't go so horribly wrong the first time round.
Anyway, I think the conclusion I've reached for today is this: I need to stop unnecessarily complicating things.
Thank you and good night.
Back to building my cities. YESSSSS.