I count myself lucky that I've only ran into him less than a handful of times. But the one instance when I ran into him last week during which our eyes met was enough to negate all the times I didn't run into him.
Seeing him makes me angry. It almost ruined my day that day - I harboured angry thoughts while walking to Phillip Street to meet Olivia for lunch. But it wasn't so much about what happened back then; as I harboured my angry thoughts, I gradually realised that I was angry to be reminded of the weak, pathetic excuse for a human being I was when I was with him, and how, to my horror, I gradually realised that some aspects of that pathetic human being I was have not gone away.
Back then, I was whining ad nauseum about how much I hated law school and didn't want to be there and his response was, If you hate it, just quit. If not, suck it up and move on. Don't just keep whining about it.
Now, I'm whining ad nauseum about my job and how much I hate it, and it's almost the same feeling I had back then. It's the lack of interest, blah blah, I've talked about this way too many times already and I'm not interested in repeating myself.
But more basically, I'm almost back in the same position: stuck in a place I don't want to be and not quite knowing what to do about it. Years 3 and 4 of law school came along and distracted me from the fundamental problem, but now that law school is over, it's time for me to figure out what to do with my life. I haven't got an answer for that. And when I stop to think about it, it scares the shit out of me.
I hate real life. It's yet another work week tomorrow and I'm already looking forward to the weekend. I'm doing a bloody hearing by myself on Tuesday and I can't properly put into words how much I'm dreading it. Why did I even come here in the first place? I need to stop smoking pot. Fuck it.
What the fuck am I doing with my life, really? What the flying fuck? All I wanna do is read my literary novels and play tennis and write stuff. What stuff, exactly? I don't even know. Why did I even go to law school? Why did I try to be someone I wasn't? See lah, now still paying the price. Fucking idiot.
Why did I date NEB? Why am I even writing this entry?
A short conversation with Wei Chuen on gchat about poetry has made me realise how much I miss literature and what my life was before law school happened.
Can I just please stop looking back already? No fucking point. Milk is spilt. Just fucking MOVE ON ALREADY.