anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Should I stay or should I go?

I quit my job two weeks ago, and a day after I submitted my letter of resignation, one of the partners in the firm asked me to stay and work for him.

That offer had since evolved into "I will take you off your existing files if that's what's gonna make you stay".

My reaction has largely been like this: "................................"

I've been wanting to quit since at least January this year, even before that. The overwhelming majority of the entries in this blog are about how much I hate my job and how badly I want to leave. I had to wait a month before I finally could submit my letter of resignation for various reasons and when I finally could do it, I felt a sense of relief and emotional release that were even greater than what I felt when my employment ended at the previous firm.

I know in my heart that this is the absolutely right thing for me. At the same time, my stupid head has been telling me that maybe I should just stick it out for a year more for the following reasons:

1. Partner is damn nice (he's the one I play tennis with occasionally);
2. I intend to do a Masters next year, which will probably commence in September, and it makes sense to stay on for another year as opposed to finding another short-term job;
3. The money can only get better; and
4. See number 2.

In fact, Reason #2 is the main reason I'm even considering this. But it seems so safe again, so easy, slipping once again back into the familiar, albeit hated, comfort of this life that I've struggled with over the past two years or so. It's too easy, it's too safe; it's going to repeat itself again, the whole vicious cycle, and I just know that whatever optimism that I may feel at the start of it, that things may actually be better this time round, is simply a false illusion that will instantly disappear the minute I get back into reality.

The reality is this. At this point in my life, I can't work in this profession anymore because I have doubts that it's what I want to do for the rest of my life, and because I have so many questions as to what's out there in the real world. This profession is a bubble that keeps outsiders out and traps insiders in. This profession entices me with its ease of entry and transfer, its monetary benefits, its social standing and reputation, its comfort and reliability.

But there's a reason I quit in the first place; there's a reason for my perpetual unhappiness. There's no passion in any of the things that I do here. And I can't go on like this, passionless, always wondering whether the grass really is greener on the other side.

It seems like it's time for me to try something else and explore my options instead of being told, or trying to convince myself, that this is the best option for me. How can it be when it has never once felt that way to me? I may be overly ruled by my emotions but at least my emotions are right in telling me which way to go.

Well, I suppose that answers the "should I stay or should I go" (tm The Clash) question then. But of course, it doesn't answer the subsequent "what the fuck am I going to do with my life" question. It's incredible that I haven't figured that out yet.

Tags: personal, work

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