anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

The art of trying.

The relationship had been growing stale of late. Worse, indifference was slowly creeping into the ever-increasing gap between us. It all culminated in a teary 3-hour conversation Saturday night, during which I sat on his bed and mentally prepared myself for what I thought was the inevitable break-up. I couldn't speak at first; I couldn't speak again later. I was silent, he asked that I said something, I had nothing to say.

Thank goodness, then, for our 9.45 movie (Pirates of the Carribean 4) at Cathay's new platinum suites. Before that, I pushed aside my stubbornness and slipped my hand into his and caught him before he walked further away from me. Before that, he said that we should resolve the problem; otherwise, we should just break up that night.

During the movie, the comfortable chair and the warm blanket, and the tiredness of my eyes caused by crying for 3 hours, caused me to intermittently fall asleep. Halfway through the movie, he looked over at me and caught me with my eyes closed. Seconds later, I willed myself awake and saw him looking at me.

What ensued was the best kiss that we'd had in at least half a year.

These few days I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. I'm remembering what made us so great, the romance and the intimacy and the passion that pushed me head over heels a year and a half ago, which compelled him to catch me and break my fall. He's special, and sexy, and imperfect, but it's okay, because he's mine. He's starting to matter again, in a way that I haven't felt like he did in a really, really long time. I've missed the emotional closeness, the connection; that look of longing on his face when he kisses me goodbye and says, "Oh no, now I'm going to miss you."

I distanced myself from this relationship a little in a bid to avoid getting myself upset when he had to cancel on me, or when he didn't do something that I hoped he would do. In the process I started to learn to not need him. In the process I started to become indifferent towards the relationship. I made the token gestures, said the token lines; told the correct people the correct things, the correct things that someone in a stable relationship ought to say.

But we were almost empty. It almost stopped to mean anything; it almost didn't matter anymore. These few days, when our conversation is great in an organic way, when I feel close to him again, it's obvious to me that the past 6 months at least of the relationship have made a complete mockery of the relationship that we had, that we deserve. I could see myself marrying him two months into the relationship; a month ago I'd forgotten why I ever thought that. How could I have let that happen?

We're not completely out of the woods yet, but these past few days have been infinitely better and genuinely happier than the past 6 months combined. Saturday was painful, but it was ultimately the timely wake-up call that I needed...perhaps one that we both needed.

I hope this works out. He means so much to me.


In other news:

1. Pirates 4 didn't have much of a plot, but the mermaids single-handedly saved the show. And Barbossa is my favourite character bar none. Geoffrey Rush is just amazing.

2. Roland Garros: the top 3 seeds on the women's side are out of the tournament before even the QF stage. Utterly hilarious. Roger's playing his QF soon against Monfils, which I expect him to get through easily. The real test is the fucking semi-final against the Serb That Refuses to Lose, aka Novak Djokovic. Fuck, I cannot take YET ANOTHER FUCKING LOSS to Djokovic. If anyone should end his streak, it's Roger Federer. So: HOPP ROGERRRRR I COMMAND YOU. ALLEZ!!!!!!

3. Just watched final set between Troicki and Murray. Troicki, you big fucking choker. Served for the match at 5-3 just to lose it 7-5. Brilliant. I have nothing else to say.

4. I can't wait for my notice period to end. Going to work is quite pointless now. Oh well.
Tags: andy murray, love, movies, novak djokovic, relationships, roger federer, roland garros, tennis, wei chuen

  • Cold Weather is Running Weather

    Now that we’re stuck indoors with nowhere to go, the sunny weather that we’d been having for the past week or so had begun to feel like a personal…

  • (no subject)

    I spent about 45 minutes this evening writing my first entry in a while in Notepad, just to lose everything save for the last bit which I took a…

  • Cambridge Half Marathon 2020: SUB-TWO FUCK YEAH

    On the one hand, I achieved my goal, broke the two-hour barrier. On the other hand, my finish time of 1:56:32 does not reflect the effort that I'd…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.