anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

if you think you belong enough

Just to quote Radiohead...

"if you think that you're strong enough

if you think you belong enough...

nice dream."

Doesn't necessarily read that way, but that's how I read it. I feel like I'm suffocating. The void that has been in me for so long now has never been more vast. The reason? School. And something else. Friends, or lack thereof. I mean, I have them. I just. I don't know. The only person who can really understand and listen to me is in Liverpool. Sometimes, I get so sick and tired of Fate yanking my chain and fucking with my head. Sometimes, all I really want to do is to jump off a fucking building and leave it all behind. I don't get it. I don't get the point of working so hard, when all you get in the end is death. I don't get the point of human beings' existence in the world, when one day our race is going to perish (and trust me, it would). I hate being so angst-y, but I'm sorry, I'm just sitting here, feeling like my life is squeezing the life out of me. A while ago my chest/heart actually HURTS.

There is an explanation, a real one, actually I should say a cause, but I don't feel like getting into it right now. All I can say is, I hate my life. There, I've finally said it. I hate my goddamned life, and I want a new one. I hate living in Singapore, I hate going to my school, I hate that my friends are not really mine, I hate that the only person who knows me, really knows me, is in Liverpool. I hate being negative, but I am, so what are you going to do, sue me? I hate my school, but I'm glad to graduate at the end of next year, so that I can leave it all behind. I wish I could do that right now, but my life is mapped out in such a way that it's impossible.

And what is really sad about me is that I need to watch a movie to feel understood. That movie is "Rebel Without A Cause". I have never, ever identified more with a character from a film than I have with Jim Stark. The need to be understood and to belong, and to be loved, and having parents who genuinely care but don't understand and can't guide, god, I truly wonder if my mom sees any of me in Jim when she saw the film. I wonder if she understood Jim, or even Judy and Plato. I wonder if she understands that "Rebel" is fucking timeless, and as long as I'm a teenager, I'm going to identify with it.

I wish James Dean was alive, so that I could thank him for giving me "Rebel Without A Cause", for giving me a character I can relate to with my entire being, for touching me so much that tears form in my eyes whenever I think about the film. And I really wish that I had a different life, that I went to a different school, and had different friends. If you're reading this now, and are someone I know, I apologise, but thank you so much for being there for me. Thank you, truly, with all my heart, for bothering to attempt to talk to me when it looked like I really needed someone. Thank you for listening to my crap, and for being so goddamned self-obsessed. Thank you so much, this has been such a great year. I wish we could do it ALL. OVER. AGAIN.

All hail James Dean.

Tags: angst, james dean, personal, radiohead, rebel without a cause, school

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