anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Quel est le point?

I have an hour to Roger's semi-final against Novak Djokovic and I'm already wondering how I'm going to survive the match. I was already nervous watching the Tsonga match. Djokovic is an entirely different opponent. I don't know what I'd do when he's down break point, or has break point and gets stuck in a long rally, or wastes about 35143718 break chances as he always does, or gets broken, or loses the first set, or is down two sets, or wins the first set then loses the next two...

I want him to win so badly. On the other half of the draw, I want Murray to defeat Nadal so badly. I definitely will not be able to watch a Fedal final. 4

This US Open is seriously nerve-wrecking right now. I don't know how I'm going to survive the semi-final, without Twitter on a portable device. I'm just glad that the match is at midnight, so my parents won't be watching with me. Their reactions are rather irritating when Roger's not winning; when he's not winning, I'd like to be left alone with my own groans and curses, thanks.

Above all else, I WOULD REALLY REALLY REALY LIKE FOR ROGER FEDERER TO WIN THE US OPEN. Thanks. And it would be extra special for me because it would be like his 2008 US Open victory: wins close-to-nothing the whole year, then comes out of left field, stuns everyone, and claims the US Open trophy. I will never, ever forget that tournament, and how ecstatic I was when I watched him win, even when I wasn't that huge a fan of his yet. (I started off liking him because I found him exceedingly good-looking. How typical.)


On another note, I'm happier than ever that I'm no longer in my previous job. Hearing conversations about it fills me with nothing but a sense of relief that I no longer need to bother myself with those matters anymore. It's over, over, over, over and I'm never turning back.

As for my next move, no matter the salary, however many judgy sort of reactions I get, I will rest happy knowing that...well, I'm happy. And when that runs out...

What the fuck's ever permanent anyway? Only death, right?

Actually, I still can't quite get over how transient and therefore pointless all of life is. I tend to view the glass as half-empty. Sometimes I'm struck by the absolute pointlessness of life, the hilarious hubris of the human race and its self-importance, its seeming conviction that it's actually important in the grander scheme of things. Sometimes it seems like the universe - life, really - is little more than a big random coincidence, the result of cosmic forces that we're actually arrogant enough to believe that we understand by attributing it to, inter alia, religion, the existence of a higher power, science; who knows anything beyond the boundaries of this planet? The only sure thing is that all this - life, sunlight, oxygen, food, water, resources - will run out one day. What's there to save us when that happens?

Sometimes, I'm absolutely convinced that we're not meant to be saved; that the random cosmic coincidence that created life and the world as we know it will turn its attention to something else. Then again, I'm absolutely convinced that there's really no larger point; there's no grander scheme of things, because there is no scheme. Religion wouldn't exist without humanity (debatable, but whatever); humanity wouldn't exist without the human race; the human race wouldn't exist without the universe, with its complexity and random chance.

In light of this, who really cares what we do with our lives? It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. It similarly doesn't matter that I have a negative disposition, and I am actually not PMSing right now.


On a slightly related note, the arrogance and self-importance of lawyers will never cease to annoy me. Never, ever, ever cease to annoy me. Sometimes I still wonder what the fuck I was thinking when I chose to do law. Oh wait, I know the answer to that question: I WASN'T FUCKING THINKING. That's plenty obvious; if I had use this thing in my head loosely called a brain, I would not have done this.

It's disheartening. There aren't many options for me here. This degree is constricting and limiting. It's nice to flaunt, but who the fuck cares except people that you deem beneath you anyway (see what I said about the arrogance of lawyers? except in my case, I've been arrogant since JC; nothing new here) whose opinion therefore does not matter? What can I do with this; why is it that I'm not interested in all the options that will allow me to reap the monetary benefits of this stupid degree; and why is it that it doesn't seem to allow me to do anything else? I feel so stuck. As usual, I feel so damn stuck.

I would like to be Roger Federer. Just for a day - I'd like to know what it feels like to be him, to be so wildly successful beyond his imagination, doing the thing that he loves every day, and hitting a tennis ball the way that he does (I'd really like to know what it feels like to hit a tennis ball the way he does).

The sad reality is, we can't all be Roger Federer. We can dream like him; all of us have the right to dream. The sad reality is, for most of us we end up average, insignificant, with lives that serve no larger purpose. I've wanted desperately not to end up like that. Now I'm trying desperately - or really, hoping desperately as there's been little action on my part - to avoid the head-on collision with the dead end that I see coming in the near distance.

I don't know. Whatever. I'm going to shower. It's nearly time to stress over a tennis match. Yay. I love my life.
Tags: legal profession, novak djokovic, personal, rant, roger federer, tennis, us open

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