(Purely for my own amusement. If anyone actually reads this, tell me; I'll buy you dinner. Tennis fans don't count, of course.)
FEDRINKA GOT BROKEN OMG. THEY HAD SO MANY BREAK CHANCES IN BELGIUM'S LAST TWO SERVICE GAMES BUT FAILED TO CONVERT. WAAAA. Federer and Wawrinka as individual players already have trouble converting break points; as a team? IT'S EVEN WORSE.
Okay I exaggerate but Fedrinka's down 3-4! How can this happen! They won an Olympic gold medal! I tried the live stream and it was so pixelated and laggy that I couldn't see shit so I gave up. I did, though, hear Roger talking in Swiss German so that was good.
Belgium's on serve now. As usual - BREAK FEDRINKA BREAK. 0-15! There's a tiny chance...OMG 0-30! COME ON GET IT TO 0-40 FFS! "Net winner Federer/Wawrinka - Great interception Federer." OF FREAKING COURSE! YESSSS IT'S AT 0-40. COME ON SURELY YOU GUYS CAN CONVERT ONE OF THREE BREAK POINTS!
HOLY SHIT THEY BROKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fedrinka's on serve, 15-0. Shit I wanna watch this match! Have I mentioned that I don't care about USA v Spain? Okay WTF 15-15. HOLD FEDRINKA HOLD.
Oh yeah, speaking of Stan Wawrinka - there's this Swiss guy in one of my classes who remind me a bit of him, just fatter and older. Hahaha. Swiss Guy is quite cute though, but...yeah, fatter and older.
SHIT 30-ALL NOOOO. OMG NO WAY FEDRINKA DOUBLE FAULT. WHO'S SERVING??! IF IT'S ROGER I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS. FUCK BREAK POINT BELGIUM. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
FUCK BELGIUM BROKE BACK. URGUSRGH SBHSEVBH VBHJRTJA CTG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna die right now. I do. I don't freaking believe this. I WANT TO WATCH THIS MATCH, DAMMIT. SHIT I JUST REALISED BELGIUM'S SERVING FOR THE SET. NOOOOOO OMG OMG OMG.
They're apparently hitting to Wawrinka to keep Roger out. Utterly ridiculous! Wawrinka is #9 in the world!
COME ON BREAKKKKK. SHIT 30-0. SHIT 40-0. THREE SET POINTS. FEDRINKA HAS CONFIRMED DROPPED THE FIRST SET. I WANNA CRY.
Okay lay off the caps, Self. 40-15. 40-30! BELGIUM DOUBLE FAULT! COME ONNNNN!!! BREAK THEM!
SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Belgium got the first set.
ARGH. NO. Okay there are still four more sets. GET THE NEXT THREE. Fedrinka can't lose! They beat the Bryans at the Olympics and they're ranked #1!
AM I REALLY GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT THREE HOURS STARING AT THE GREEN RECTANGLE?
Yes, I think I am. I'm utterly tragic.
Fedrinka serving, 15-0. 30-15! Don't let them break again, not in the opening service game...or ever! Okay 40-15; I can breathe now. First serve fault?! FUCK 40-30 ROS winner Belgium. I'm going to cry I swear, I really am. OMG Fedrinka holds. THEY BETTER! Service winner Wawrinka!
Belgium serving - 15-all. Come on Belgium, DOUBLE FAULT! 30-15. :( 30-30! 30-40! BREAK POINT SUISSE. BREAK THEM DAMMIT BREAKKKKK. Shit not again, inability to convert! Why why why DEUCE dammit WHY. Advantage Belgium. ARGH. This is so frustrating. First serve fault - FAULT AGAIN BELGIUM, FAULT AGAIN. Shit, Belgium holds.
Oh, all the things that could have been. Utterly tragic! Fedrinka has converted a grand total of ONE out of SEVEN break points. I am depressed! These guys didn't win a gold medal for nothing I'm sure. COME ON!
Right, Suisse serving, 30-0. They're gonna hold easily, I bet. 40-0. Hold at love please! Hahaha like I said, easy hold. Less than a minute, that game.
Belgium serving, 0-15. Argh, 15-15, just as I was about to say that I didn't know if I should get my hopes up re. Fedrinka breaking serve because...1 out of 7? Pathetic. Shit, 30-15. They're really not going to break, are they? 40-15. Okay, not this game; the next one! OMG wait, 30-40! Come on get it to deuce!...Fuck, Belgium holds again. This is shit! SHIT!
I'm predicting another easy hold for Suisse. It's breaking serve that they can't do and it's driving me nuts. OMG shit what, 15-15?! NO FUCKING WAY, 15-30!? NOW THEY CAN'T HOLD SERVE TOO?!?!?!?! WTF WTF WTF. FUCK 15-40. TWO BREAK POINTS FOR BELGIUM. Fedrinka saved one - get the other one! OMG YESSS DEUCE! I can't believe I have to freak out when they're serving WTF! Hold Fedrinka, HOLD! Net unforced error Fedrinka?! I'M GOING TO KILL THEM BOTH. I REALLY AM. Advantage Belgium OMG. It's a Federror - I'M GOING TO KILL ROGER. Oh PHEW they saved it; back to deuce. SERVE ACES LAH WAH LAU. JUST FINISH THIS GAME. YESSSS they did as I said - Ace Fedrinka! Okay Game Point. Hold hold HOLD! Okay great Suisse holds.
That was utterly ridiculous. If only I can watch the match.
Argh they're not gonna break this game; it's 30-0 Belgium. 30-15! Get it to 30-40 dammit! Grah Belgium holds in the blink of an eye.
Crap Suisse opens its service game with 0-15. Okay I just read that the Belgian players won tournaments or something; Fedrinka...only won an Olympic gold medal. And we all know that Olympic medals aren't worth a lot in pro tennis. SHIT LAH. But WTF, Fedrinka beat the Bryan Brothers who're ranked #1! They can beat anyone! Oh my god are you shitting me 30-30?!?! HOLD DAMMIT HOLD. Game point - just take it already! WTF THEY DOUBLE FAULTED TO GET THE SCORE TO 30-30 JUST NOW. Who's serving?! If it's Roger...WTF! Roger Federer doesn't double fault hello!? (Okay he does but whatevs.) Okay Fedrinka holds. I'm getting a heart attack.
Fedrinka and Belgium are both still on serve in the second set. This is really going to take all night. ARGH.
Come on, break and serve for the set! Put me out of my misery please. I want my Fedrinka to win! 15-0 Belgium. Give me a glimmer of hope please! WTF forehand unforced error Fedrinka. WAH LAU STOP MAKING UNFORCED ERRORS LAH DAMMIT. 15-15! Fedrinka has NO forehand winners so far, wtf?! Ugh 30-15. 40-15, two game points for Belgium. And Belgium holds. UGH.
This is worse than actually watching the match 'cause you don't know how they're playing and don't know what to criticise. From the stats it looks like Suisse is playing a slightly better game but they're down 0-1 so...ARGH I WANNA WATCH DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.
Okay, easy hold for Suisse: 40-0. Okay this rally is taking forever. COME ON HOLD ALREADY DAMMIT. Okay they hold.
5-4. ARGH BREAK BELGIUM NOW. NOW. Break and serve for the set! WAH LAU BELGIUM IS HOLDING AT LOVE.
Okay I got lied to. I DIDN'T SEE THE BELGIAN TEAM ON ATP'S TOP 50 DOUBLES RANKING. Way to go to make excuses for Fedrinka, whoever the Roger fan was!
Are you kidding?! 0-15 on Fedrinka's serve!!!! NOOOO. Okay service winner, 15-15. FUCK FUCK 15-30. HOLD HOLD HOLD. Yessss serve an ace! 30-30. JUST SERVE ACES LAH DON'T BOTHER GETTING THE BALL IN PLAY! But don't double fault of course. 40-30! Hold Suisse HOLD. (Why is Switzerland called Suisse anyway? What language is that? Actually, what language is 'hopp Suisse'?) Okay they hold! 6-5!
BREAK TO WIN THE SET DAMMIT. BREAK. Ugh no 0-15 (Fedrinka that is). :( 0-30! Oh my god this is so sad. 0-40! Belgium is holding at love. :( 15-40! COME ON TWO MORE POINTS TO DEUCE. SHIT LAH BELGIUM HOLDS.
Tie-breaker! Suisse got the first point! Come on, get the mini-break! YES THEY DID IT! 2-0! Wow big backhand Wawrinka - I WANNA SEE! Shit 2-1. Crap, another long rally. AIYAH SERVE ACES LAH. YESSS 3-1, Fedrinka still serving! YESSS 4-1! TWO POINTS TO THE SECOND SET! (Or is it three? Can't remember if they need to get to 6 or 7.) Come on mini-break! Crap, net forced error Fedrinka. Dammit, 4-2. Another long rally. COME ONNNN BREAK BREAK BREAK. YESSS 5-2! Big volley Wawrinka - once again, I WANT TO SEE. Shit 5-3. TWO MORE POINTS TO THE SECOND SET. SHIT LAH WAH LAU WHAT THE FUCK 5-4?!?! I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING, DOUBLE FAULT FEDRINKA?!!?!?! OMG I WANNA KILL THEM. 5-5 OMGGGGG I'M GOING TO DIE. SHIT 5-6?! SET POINT FOR BELGIUM?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! OKAY THEY SAVED IT. 6-6. COME ON TWO MORE POINTS DAMMIT. Huge volley from Federer to get to 6-6...I WANT TO SEE UGH. 7-6 SET POINT FOR FEDRINKA. OMG OMG OMG OMG GET IT FUCKING HELL GET IT. Shit this set point is taking forever. What's going on. I WANT TO WATCH.
YESSSSSS THEY BAGGED THE SECOND SET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god that was SO nerve-wrecking. I swear, that set point? Took FOREVER. It felt like HOURS. Net forced error from Belgium, "incredible point". CRAP I REALLY WANNA WATCH THIS!
As a bit of a side note: You know you've watched too much tennis when you can actually picture the 'amazing crosscourt volley' from Wawrinka in your head.
I'm really gonna be at this all night, am I not? This better not take five sets to complete; I don't have that kind of patience.
First serve fault from Belgium - FAULT AGAIN COME ON FAULT FAULT FAULT! Great, I shouldn't have jinxed it. It's 15-0. Forehand unforced error?! Must be Roger. 30-0. Break lah wah lau. ... 40-0. Wow, an actual ROS winner from Fedrinka to take them to 40-30! SHIT IT'S 40-40! There's a chance! Crap, advantage Belgium. Overhead winner from Belgium and they hold. DAMMIT.
Man, Fedrinka had three double faults in this match! Unbelievable. But then again, Ferrer had like, 6 in one set alone against Roddick and he still won. 30-15 Fedrinka now. Come on, hold and break! They hold!
WHAT IT'S 10 P.M. ALREADY?!?!?! Ugh my whole night is gone. The things I do for Roger, seriously!
Okay, still on serve so far. Fedrinka's serving now; hope it's an easy hold. I'm playing Elven Blood 'cause it's tiring to keep looking at the numbers and I'm bored and I want to watch the actual thing, but can't.
"Backhand Unforced Error (R FEDERER/S WAWRINKA) - close but no banana" - WTF?! Eh wha? Belgium sure held serve real quick, 'cause Fedrinka's serving again...and it's 15-30. ARGH why can't I leave it? Why why why? Fedrinka holds, as they ought to.
Belgium serving - 0-15! Break break break! 0-30, ROS WINNER!!!! THERE'S HOPE! (OMG Wawrinka's backhand I wanna seeeee.) BREAK SUISSE BREAK. THREE BREAK POINTS!!! OMG please please PLEASE convert, PLEASE! Ugh another long rally omgggg. YESSSSSSSS THEY BROKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG THEY DID IT!!!!!! THEY CONVERTED!!!!!!!! And they broke Belgium at love!!!!!!!!1
Okay, they have a damn good chance of bagging this set. Just hold serve please, hold on tight!
Eh, I swear, if Belgium breaks back? I'm not following the match anymore. My heart is about to explode, okay? OMG are you shitting me? 0-15 Fedrinka?! ARGHHHHHH NOOOOOO. Serve aces. Aces! Oh freak, 15-30! Noooo. 30-30. Get it to game point come on! Okay game point Fedrinka. HOLD!!! Oh crap, net forced error Fedrinka?! Deuce?!?!?!?! Nooooo! Okay advantage Fedrinka and game point - go get it! Hahaha overhead winner Federer. :) OKAY THEY HELD!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! Phew, that was nerve-wrecking. I wanna see Roger's overhead winner.
15-15 on Belgium's serve! Break again lah. Secure the third set! 30-30 with a drop shot from Roger apparently. Shit, game point Belgium. OMG DEUCE?!?!! There's a chance! Eh no, advantage Belgium. Crap. From a Fedrinka unforced error. Unbelievable! ... Overhead winner from Belgium and they hold.
This is soooo dumb, but it's 4-3 Fedrinka now so yay! Hold serve now please. Crap, 0-15. OMG WHAT 0-30?!?!? SHIT DON'T LET BELGIUM BREAK BACK!!!!!! Okay 15-30. Come on, HOLD SERVE DAMMIT. Another ace to get to to 30 all! Haha forced error from Belgium to 30-30. COME ON HOLD! Game point Fedrinka...can they do it? YES THEY CAN! HAHAHAHAHA.
Break again to end this set early! 0-15 Belgium. Now it's 15-15. 15-30! 15-40, TWO FUCKING SET POINTS! TAKE IT FEDRINKA TAKE ITTTTT!!!!!!!!! Shit they lost one. BUT THERE'S ANOTHER ONE! Break them Suisse, break them and take the third set and end this match early so that I can go to sensible things! YESSSSSSSSSSSS THEY DID IT!!!!!!!! SET THREE GOES TO SWITZERLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, Wawrinka's totally dominating the match. Another backhand winner from him to take the set point! Hahahaha to think Belgium actually thought that hitting to him would hurt Switzerland's game. As if they'll put some random half-fuck on the team, right? And helloooo Fedrinka won a gold medal, don't forget! And did I mention Wawrinka's #9 in the world?
Belgium hasn't got any break chances since the first set. I'm quite sure Fedrinka's gonna take this one. AS THEY SHOULD. Have I mentioned they won a gold medal? Maybe this can end by 11! Or okay, 11.15! (It's 10.30 now. I'm kind of dying.)
Good, 30-15 Fedrinka. Hold serve please! Yay 40-15! They hold after 40-30 but they still hold!
Unforced error from Belgium to give Suisse a 0-15 lead in Belgium's service game! Not only is Stan on fire, Belgium is disintegrating! This makes me really happy. Does that make me a bad person? I don't care! 15-30, "great return Federer"! Haha break break BREAK and end the match early! 15-40, TWO BREAK POINTS! COME ON CONVERT! First serve fault from Belgium - they can fault again! YES THEY BROKE!!!!! For a 2-0 lead!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Maybe it really can end by 11!
Hahaha WTF, I went out to get water, came back, and it's 3-0! How many aces were there? Oh my shit, Fedrinka - 10 aces on first serve! YAY!
Oh my god, 0-15 on Belgium's serve, another Belgian unforced error! Okay, 15-15. A bit too much to ask, hoping for Fedrinka to break twice in a row. 40-30 and...DEUCE! Holy shit, Fedrinka is on a roll! I'm so proud of them! Eh, crap, advantage Belgium and they hold.
Fedrinka opens with an ace! Roger must be the one serving. Net winner 30-0, "what a volley Federer". Totally bursting with pride here! Yesss, an easy hold for them!
4-2 Fedrinka after Belgium holds. Fedrinka opens their service game with yet another ace! 40-0, another easy hold I hope...and I'm right! Game is over in a flash.
Fedrinka, please break now to win so that I can stop looking at the green rectangle, thanks. It's 10.50 already!
Ooh 0-15 on Belgium's serve - are they going to fulfill my wishes? 30-30...break for the match! Break for the match! YESS MATCH POINT MATCH POINT MATCH POINT. Crap, Belgium saved it. Deuce now. Shit, game point Belgium. AIYAH FASTER FINISH THIS LAH. CRAP! Belgium holds.
Okay Fedrinka serves for the match and please, four straight aces and finish it off ASAP! Oh god I'm so nervous. 15-0, a net winner! 30-0, service winner! Two more points!!! Four more minutes to 11 - you can do it! Let me off the hook please! Shit, ROS winner, 30-15. I swear if Fedrinka gets broken NOW...I'M REALLY GONNA FLY TO SWITZERLAND TO KILL THEM. COME ON SERVE IT OUT! 40-15, MATCH POINT!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!! THEY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, my life would be complete right now if I can get my hands on Fedrinka's adorkable faux CPR/massage victory celebration. YouTube!!!
YAY THEY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh man, when am I next gonna get my tennis fix? :(
Edited to add at 11.36 p.m.:
THEY ARE TOO FREAKING ADORABLE.
MADE. OF. WIN.
Also? I listened to some version of Swiss German for the first time in my life. And um, it sounds like they're trying to spit out something from the back of their throats. But for some reason, when Roger is speaking in the language/dialect/whatever, it sounds utterly beautiful even though I don't understand a single word he's saying.
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW HOT IT IS WHEN A GUY CAN SPEAK MORE THAN TWO LANGUAGES?