January 23rd, 2002

Charah coffee

life sucks, deal with it

Today I learned that I failed my English test. Woo, am I not a genius, or am I not a genius? What kind of loser fails English and claims to be a writer? (Me.) That put me in a self-pitying funk for 3 periods, until I decided to stop caring about the results and just do whatever I have to do to get through this year, which is already hellish. I have taken like 5 tests so far, and I've failed all of them. Including English.

To be totally honest, I'm still reeling from that blow. I remember how upset I was last year when I got back my English exam and found that I didn't get an A1, but an A2. How am I supposed to feel now that I failed? I find my life to be a giant spider...to be more precise, the tarantula, that would not stop spinning webs of lies. (My brother was reading something on the screen, and he went, "Huh?" I told him, very loudly, to "fuck off lah, wah lau*". He's 12.) My dam almost collapsed when my teacher told me, not too tactfully, that I failed the stupid English test. I mentioned it some entries back, I wrote about the new bus driver? The reason I failed, she said, was/is that I was off-point, because I never showed the guy driving a bus or stating that he's a bus driver. Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the topic The New Bus Driver? Isn't it kind of understood that the fuckhole's a bus driver? Am I in primary school? Because I feel that way sometimes, by the way teachers treat the students, like they're 12-year-olds or something.

The only person I wanted to talk to was my English friend Claire. I was giving myself these stupid and useless pep talks that went something like, "It's okay, it's just a test." And then the irony hit me: I'm surrounded by all these people, some who shamelessly claim that they gave a shit what I thought, what I felt, whether I lived or died, and yet I had to, as per usual, for it's always so, rely on myself to be strong. For myself. And I can't, okay? It's always me, me, me. I have to be there for me, 'cause there's no one else (and the only person is miles away). I'm my own pillar, my own backbone, the only thing I have to fall back on when things fuck up in my face. But I'm sorry, dear world, this pillar isn't strong enough.

I have to say though blacwynter's poem made me feel better, because it is clear that she understands. (at least, that was how I see it.) I came *this* close to breaking down a few times, and one of those times was when I read that poem. I'm so grateful for it, so thank you again, blacwynter. You kick ass.

This entry is really immersed in the negative. Too bad, 'cause life sucks, and the only thing one can do is to deal with it. And that stupid English test, it's very discouraging. I'm not the type who could fail something important and get over it...I'm beginning to seriously question my ability as a writer. Not that I am one, but whatever.

I don't know, this day really sucked. Walked in the rain though. One of the many groups of people that I laugh at are those who carry umbrellas when the rain is a mere drizzle. I mean, can we say lame? It's just a fucking drizzle, for chrissakes! It wouldn't kill you to get wet!

During Geography my teacher was on about how kids my generation, or at least those that go to my school, cannot do with anything less than a branded good, and the specific example she gave was, "I would not be caught dead with an Ericcson, sp, handphone." (We're doing developement.) Wow, is this really how the older generation views us, as spoilt rich kids? It's so offensive! I don't even own a goddamned handphone, for chrissakes! The most "branded" and "expensive" piece of clothing I own are my 3 Levi's jeans, and the only reason I bought them was because they're comfortable! Like I could care about the fucking brand! Oh, I forgot my Nike shoes, but come the fuck on, I happen to find them comfortable. Is that a reason to brand me a spoilt child of the 21st Century? That is really retarded. I mean, honestly, get over it. Just because the majority of the youth of today happen to be living in luxury and all that bullcrap, does not mean everyone has everything they ask for, because I for one don't. And guess what? I'm not ashamed to have easy Internet access, or a stable roof over my head, or a high quality of living, or a good education, whatever. I'm not ashamed to be a teenager in the 21st Century. I'm not ashamed to like sleeping with the air-conditioner on, and dammit, I am not ashamed to admit that I would just die if I can't sleep with the air-con. Welcome to the new millennium, old farts! This is the real world. You either deal with it, or shut up and don't whine about it, because it really grates on my nerves when you do, and god knows I ain't got that much nerves to spare.

we are youth we'll take your fascism away
we are the youth apologise for another day
we are the youth and politicians are so sure
we are the youth and we are knockin' on death's door
never knew we were living in a world with a mind that can be so small
never knew we were living in a world with a mind that can be so sure
never knew we were living in a world and the world's an open court
maybe we don't wanna live in a world where innocence is so short

- silverchair, "Anthem for the Year 2000" (duh).

PS. *Singlish, which means broken English, which means Singapore English, which means Singaporeans have bad English, and I just happen to be the exception (I know, how thick, but hey, I've wallowed in self-pity for the entire day. It's time I get my spirits up). "wah lau" is distorted Hokkien for either the guy's dick or urine, I can't remember.

Charah coffee

black winter

I've been reading blacwynter's (I've linked to her quite a few times now and I'm too lazy to type the a href crap) older entries as I haven't time to read them until now, and I realise that she and I are somewhat alike. Blacwynter, if you're reading now, please don't be freaked out. It's just an observation I made. For example, there is the love for chocolate. Another example, the seemingly unfillable (word?) void. And yet another example, the desire to get out of the country. Oh, how I want to leave Singapore...how I want to be in a relationship, although I doubt I'd ever admit that again...it's a lot of effort, to just type that, especially for I who needs no one. Because I'm so strong, right? So sturdy and "constant as the Northern star". Ha! Web of lies, indeed.

Anyway. Blacwynter's a goddess. I love her (not in the sexual way).

Let's see, what else? Let me try to think of things that I'm looking forward to...um, I know. "The Two Towers", which is coming out at the end of the year. Anything else? Anything at all? Oh yeah, "Diorama", silverchair's new album. Um, that's taking place in April...okay, what else? Nothing at all?

Why is it that I am soooooo not surprised by the knowledge that nothing really excites me anymore? Besides Joaquin, that is. But fuck, he's so far away.

If I'm happy, I'd post my stupid poem that was a product of my depression, however mild. If I'm happy.