February 4th, 2002

Charah coffee

to be innocent once more

I am beginning to recognise some sort of a pattern lately. I can't get by a week without feeling like shit at least once. Same thing happened today. Got Chinese back, and while everyone was scoring 75% and over, I pulled a measley 69.5%. Obviously not good for the esteem. What's more, I actually bothered studying for this test...I've come to realise that I tend to take things too seriously. And if I don't like the outcome, I'm easily bothered by it. So yeah. Today was another day I made use of to practice self-pity. Though I do wonder why I even bother practicing...I've already mastered it.

And to add to that, I am a very angry person. It may not be very obvious to those I dabble with in school, but I know myself so much better than any of my friends, and I say this, and I know it: I am a very angry person. Very bad-tempered. Very bitter. Very resentful. Get jealous easily. Not good.

The biggest irony is, however, that despite my claims that I'm anti-violence, I dish it out so freely as if the people around me use it to exchange goods and services. Another thing I hate about myself: My hypocrisy. I'm not just plain self-deprecating here...I get violent. Very, very violent. Not to the point where I almost kill though, but I inflict pain on others when I'm angry without thinking twice. I don't think I should have kids in the future. Or hell, I don't even think I should get married. Imagine the terrible life my children would lead, under the harsh hand of a cruel mother...Christ. I can't believe I'm projecting myself into the future, since I hate it so when my mom does that.

Right now I'm reading one of blacwynter's older entries, and this part made me laugh out loud: "Of course my associates knew I never lifted an academic finger at home...unless it was the middle one." (blacwynter, I hope you don't mind that I'm doing this...)

Have I mentioned that I really want to be immature, and to achieve that aim, I have switched my brain capacity, which includes my brand of humour, to the size of a Primary schoolkid's? To further prove that...this is a really funny joke! "One day, Jenny's mom asks Jenny, 'Jenny, are you taking the train to grandma's house?' Jenny replies, 'No, it's too heavy.'"

Ha ha ha! How hilarious! Isn't it just? Another one! "Have you heard the joke about the skipping rope? No? Well, skip it."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The funniest thing I've ever heard!

To fully achieve my aim, I reckon I should throw out my artsy DVDs, like my beloved Quills and The Yards, and get stuff like The Animal, Happy Gilmore, Dude Where's My Car?, American Pie 2 (the first one was really funny, and I mean it), like Sugar and Spice or whatever, and whatever else with that idiot Adam Sandler. *cringes at the thought* Then again, I don't have to go that far, now do I?

I have a friend who's very innocent, sweet, funny, generous, and, well, a little childish. Sometimes I envy her. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of mentality again...to be a kid again...to live happily again...to not lose sleep over things you should do but haven't again...god, I think I'd give anything to be innocent once more.

People really never know what they have until they lose it. I vaguely remember when I was a kid, I was so ready to step into the first phase of adulthood...or whatever, okay? Honestly. I never swore. I never cheated on tests. I never lied to my parents as much as I do now. I never swore, did I mention that? Hearing 'fuck' then was like seeing a man and a woman going at it from behind. Then again, I doubt I knew people fucked from behind at age 12 and below.

You know what I mean? To be a kid again...god. A huge lump just developed in my throat. Better not continue this train of thought any longer.

Charah coffee

imitation of art

I have to write a speech for my ECA, and I've decided to do on, you know, how entertainment/art is always blamed for murders. For example the Colorado shootings that took place a few years back...Marilyn Manson was made the main scapegoat, along with "The Basketball Diaries", both the book and the film (even though in the book, Jim doesn't really fantasise about killing people, but I guess the media chose to conveniently overlook that). So I'm at the Jim Carroll website, and I'm reading this article.

Well, suffice to say that I have found new respect for Marilyn Manson (or Brian Warner, whichever you prefer). I have one of their albums, Mechanical Animals, I think it's called, but I don't really listen to it, 'cause I don't like it that much. But that article is really...it makes a lot of sense. It's thought-provoking.

One would never have guessed.