February 12th, 2002

Charah coffee

am i really sinking this low?

Just got home after 5 hours of visiting relatives and such. I'm so tired and giddy. Did I mention I get car sick easily? Well, I do.

I can't remember anymore what was so exciting about fucking Chinese New Year. Certainly not the money, because I found myself being absolutely lethargic throughout the whole process of receiving money. Not the food, because...I don't like food. I did eat a lot of chocolate though. And, yeah. I don't know.

On the flip side, I finally have money to get myself a couple of long-deserved CDs. I borrowed 3 from my cousin today, Radiohead's "OK Computer", which I have been dying to get for months, Coldplay's "Parachutes", which I have also been dying to get for months and this compilation CD that includes bands like Deftones and the Smashing Pumpkins. Always a good thing.

Other than that. I'm very tired. Not at all looking forward to Thursday, when school starts again. Um, then again, what am I saying? I'm not looking forward to the rest of the year.

My brother is an immature prick. I made a typo of "the", and he was snorting. At something so stupid. God, the humanity. Why can't people just, like, grow up?!?!?!

Oh yeah. This distant cousin of mine? Went to her house. We used to play when we were kids. Today I saw her, and not even a look of acknowledgement. I know things change, people change, all that shit, but getting the cold shoulder from someone I used to be friendly with was way too nostalgic. Like the whole deal with the ex-best friend. Can't even look at her in school. I actually wrote her a reconcilation letter last year and asked her to write back, but that bitch didn't, so all I can say is, "Oh well, I've tried."

Happy Chinese New Year to any Chinese reading out there, or whoever celebrates. I hope you had more fun than I did.

Short description from "The Bends" by Radiohead.

Charah coffee

colour test

Colour Quiz results:

Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.

(I have to say...I was completely bawled over by how true this was. I wasn't even thinking when I took the quiz.)

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. This subjects her to considerable stress, but she sticks to her attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Finds the situation uncomfortable and would like to break away from it, but refuses to compromise with her opinions. Unable to resolve the situation because she continually postpones making the necessary decision as she doubts her ability to withstand the opposition which would result. Needs the esteem of others, compliance with her wishes, and respect for her opinions before she can feel at ease and secure.

(Do these people know me or something? This is so true, it's scary. Especially that part about allying myself with others whose standards are as high as mine.)

Your Restrained Characteristics

Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.

(Eh...)

Your Desired Objective

Wants to swipe aside the things that stand in her way, to follow her impulses, and be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way she hopes to deaden the intensity of her conflicts, but her impulsive behavior leads her to take risks

 

Your Actual Problem

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or her reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting her own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.

Your Actual Problem #2

Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for her personal accomplishments.

(Too true, too true...)

I highly recommend this test. It's so accurate.

I ate a fortune chocolate today, and this is what it says: "Don't refuse a proposition you will be made next week."

Yeah. Okay. Ate another one, and it said something about some person I was supposed to meet today being part of my destiny. Strange. I don't recall meeting anyone new.

Total amount collected: S$438. That's a lot. :)

Charah coffee

survey says 2

Got the survey from urban-faerie. I'm bored, and waiting for my hair to dry so that I can sleep, so I thought I would amuse myself by doing this. So. (I swear, 'so' is not my favourite word.)

<lj-cut>

--------------------------------------------

Your name: What's in a name?

Nickname: Yelen, lanny, yel, yal, trip, edith.

Year You Were Born: 1986.

Zodiac sign: Cancer.

What 3 Words Best Describe You?: "Piece of shit". (That was supposed to be funny...)

Do You Get Along With Your Parents?: Mostly, yeah. We have our spats, but who don't?

What's On Your Mouse Pad?: A fox.

Choose 3 bands (past or present) To Play At Your Birthday Party: silverchair (duh!), Radiohead, A Perfect Circle.

Most Embarrassing CD In Your Collection: Limp Bizkit's "... Damn, forget the title. Oh yeah, "Significant Other". I bought it because fucking Ian said it was nice. I shouldn't have trusted his lousy taste in music (silverchair not included, of course). I mean, the guy listens/listened to Korn. Enough said.

Dream Car: Mercedes Benz.

Current Car: I don't drive.

Future Son's Name: Legolas Greenleaf Jr.

Future Daughter's Name: I thought of "Laurel". You know, honour gained from winning something or something like that? But I think it's dumb. Whatever.

If You Could Have Dinner With Any 3 Persons (Dead or Alive), Who Would They Be?: Joaquin Phoenix, for one. Candlelight vegetarian/vegan dinner sounds fantastic. Not that I actually eat vegetarian food, but anything goes if it's Joaquin. :) Um, silverchair, because they're cool and I am dying to meet them/see them live. Peja Stojakovic (I think that's how it's spelled), because, well, he's so darn gorgeous. And a great ball player as well. Did I mention that he won the All-stars long distance shoot-out match? Hehe.

Do You Have Recurring Dreams (Describe): Nope.

Do You Dream In Color?: Definitely. I had this dream with Commodus, Joaquin P. in Gladiator, where he and I were trying to make love to each other. He was naked down there, and um, I shan't go into details, but let's just say it was...pretty colourful. Ha.

Do You Have Any Tattoos/Body Piercings (Describe): None. Not even the ears. Not getting them pierced either.

What Physical Characteristic Would You Change About Yourself?: So easy. Be thinner around the waist. You couldn't tell by looking at me that I have a tummy...it's embarrassing. I hope I lose it by the time I'm ready to make love. Other than that, I'm okay.

What Bad Habit Would You Change About Yourself?: Eh.

What Do You Collect?: Um. I don't know. Things.

What Is Your Most Prized Possession: My diaries and those books I write my poems in.

Pet Peeves: Traffic jams. They give me a headache. Pop-up ads. They give my computer a headache. People. They just suck. (Except a selected few, of course.)

Worst Job You Ever Had: I, the sheltered middle-class girl, never had a job.

What Do You Wear To Bed?: T-shirt and shorts. Not big on pj's.

Place You'd Most Like To Visit: New York. New York. New York. Please. New York. I think it would be good for my writing.

Preferred Way To Die (other than natural causes): Self-inflicted: Pills (I've actually thought about this). Others: Gunshot to the heart. Not the head.

Words Or Phrases You Overuse: "Oh my god!", "shit!", any variations of the word everyone loves ("fuck", what else?), "shut up!". etc.

What Are You Afraid Of?: Knives and being ordinary.

Name 3 Male And 3 Female Celebrities You Find Attractive: Ooh, urban-faerie finds Danny attractive! So do I! :) Joaquin Phoenix, Peja Stojakovic, Leonardo DiCaprio, Daniel "Danny" Johns, Ben Gillies, Chris Joannou, James Dean, River Phoenix. I know you said 3, but I'm never one to follow instructions. Kate Winslet, Claire Danes, and not Liv Tyler.

Would You Ever Go To A Nude Beach (in the buff, that is): I doubt it, though I wouldn't rule it out.

The Person You'd Most Like To F**k: Joaquin, and I'd like to make love, thank you.

FAVORITES...

Cartoon Character: I don't do cartoons.

Time Of Year: November/December, when school's out.

Food: Italian.

Drink (non alcoholic): Water.

Drink (alcoholic): Beer. It's the answer to everything, man.

Magazines: Juice, but you can't find it anywhere. Time, Empire. I don't really read magazines though.

Board Games: Monopoly, Life.

Tv Shows: Gilmore Girls, Charmed, Buffy (Spike is hot), The Practice, ER (Luka is still hot), Lizzie McGuire, Boy Meets World, and MTV. Asia, that is.

Movies Of All Time: Quills and Rebel Without A Cause.

Smells: Eh.

Number: Sixteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! It's Peja's number! I found a Peja homepage, with lots of pictures. My life is complete! (that was also supposed to be funny. So laugh.)

BLANK OR BLANK...

Night Owl Or Early Riser: Night owl.

Sports Or No Sports: No sports, unless it's Peja.

Kids Or No Kids: No kids.

Cat Or Dog: Dog.

Indoors Or Outdoors: Indoors

Hot Or Cold: Cold

Mountains Or Oceans: Oceans.

Beatles Or Stones: Beatles. I'm not too fond of the Rolling Stones (that's who you're referring to, no?).

Thunderstorms - Cool Or Scary: Friggin' cool.

Toilet Paper Roll - Over Or Under: What?

Are You Righty, Lefty, Or Ambidextrous: Righty.

Are You More Of An Introvert Or Extrovert: Introvert. I don't like to talk much.

Ex- Boy/Girlfriends - Friends Or Enemies: I wouldn't know.

Zebra - White With Black Stripes, Or Black With White Stripes: I wasn't aware there were black zebras with white stripes.

Threesomes - 2 Guys And A Girl, Or 2 Girls And A Guy: 2 guys and a girl (me), please. Not that I'd want to be in one.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

Love At First Sight: No.

God: No.

Hell: One implies the other.

Aliens: I don't know.

Horoscopes: No, but I read them anyway.

Ghosts: Yes. My English teacher can see ghosts. I'd elaborate, but it's late and I get spooked easily...

Charah coffee

blasts from the past

On ICQ right now after a million years of not using. The Ex-Best Friend is online. I am not going to IM her. It's dumb and suicidal.

Hair still not completely dry. Obviously still bored. I read a few of the messages I exchanged with the male friend, whose name is - shall I do this? what the hell - Cain (tell me if you mind, okay?) out of boredom, and it's just hit me how long it has been since I have last conversed with him on ICQ. One cannot blame me, as ICQ is a bitch and my computer does not have that much brainpower.

He has acess to this journal because I told him about the entry where I talked about him, but I really don't care. I think I do miss talking to him online, because it has been fun, sometimes infuriating. But still fun. There is nothing more fun than exchanging tips on how to further hone one's craft of sarcasm, and I look down at myself and realise I did not button the very first button of my brand new pyjamas. Oh well. I like it like that.

Looked up Ian's user info, and the reason I don't care that I'm typing his name out for everyone to see is because I don't think he'd ever see this, and even if he does, I doubt he remembers me, that is we're assuming he hasn't killed himself, but then again was that even real?, and was hit by a brief sad-attack. As much as I want to forget him, I can't, because you really cannot forget those whom you felt have made a difference in your life. Ian certainly has/had, both in the positive and the negative aspect.

Do I need to put an 's' behind the word "aspect"? Does anyone care?

Dammit Cain, why aren't you online? I am so bored, and the blasted hair ain't dry yet. Can you create a diary so that I can read it? :)

The Ex-Best Friend's user info made me want to laugh. In the bad way. Just opened it. It's really funny. Under "homepage", she wrote this: "[+lif�is�bitch�ndth�ny�udi�][s�f�ckth�w�rld�ndl�tsg�thigh.]]." Like, could you even read that? When I did my mind went, "Oookay..." And under past background, she listed a whole array of words synonymous with pain. Yes, pain over lost crushes...how heart-wrenching. God, get a life, bitch! Be glad you aren't like me, going on 16 and never been kissed! Never had a 'real' conversation with a male before, except the online ones! And since when did the English become so good, because I have the letter you gave me in Primary 5 on my birthday, and your English was almost, if not already was, laughable.

That part about the English being good? Sarcasm. Just wanted to point that out. Felt like doing some bitching this morning. Cain still isn't online, no one interesting is, and I still have nothing to do but type, and the damn hair still isn't completely dry. What am I to do, write poems about how bored I am?

12.16 a.m., and still no sign of life on ICQ. Am not even bothered to open it up and check whether Ex-Best Friend is still there, because I'm not going to talk to her anyway. I hate ICQ, and I don't feel like going on MSN IM. IMs really suck.

But that's because I don't have anyone to talk to.

I want love. I want to look for love. I want love to find me. I want love to hold, to touch, to praise, to feel. Dammit, I really want it. But from whom? I don't know anyone, and Dad is too uptight to allow searching. This longing has been in me for the past few days, and I didn't want to mention it here, but it seems to have a life of its own. It surfaced and forced me to say it. I bloody want love, are you happy now? Are you happy now that I have admitted what I refused to admit one, two, three years ago? To total strangers too? What the hell do you want from me? What do I have to do to get it, excluding the sex?

What is it that is so wrong with me that nobody seems to like? I may not be a knock-out, but I'm not ugly either. I have seen guys check me out. I have seen men leering at me before. And my mind? I kind of like it. I pride myself on being different. You don't like it? Fuck you then.

I wish I could truly say that. But truth be told, how could I, when I want the exact opposite?

Maybe I'll just go to sleep or something. Not sleeping has obviously brought out the weirdest in me. 12.25 a.m. No change on the ICQ front. Not exactly waiting, but maybe I'm doing that sub-consciously. Whatever it is, I'm tired. I'm pissed off that it's Valentine's Day on Thursday, and it's still the same marital status-wise. Has been the same for 16 years already. How could one not tire of it?

Repeat like a mantra: I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity. I will not sink into self-pity.

I actually did type them all out. What a loser.

PS. I will not sink into self-pity. 12.29 a.m.