February 24th, 2002

Charah coffee

no one has the right to feel sorry for me, except myself

Went with the family to play basketball. Halfway through, the paternal figure and the sibling made a nasty comment about me that pissed me off. I got sick of playing and being hot. I went to sit down.

It was quite plain that something wasn't right with me, but as usual, I don't say a thing about it. Dad asked if I was tired. I said yes. And that was it.

When Nasty Comment was made, Mom shot me a look that I interpreted as, "You poor thing." That was about when my mood took a 360 degrees turn...I'm instantly reminded of lunch. My aunt's husband took a jab at my 3/4 vegetarianism. Everyone was all concerned about what I was going to eat, and stupid shit like that, which does not rub me the right way. Not at all. I don't even bother saying anything when they pull that stunt. I just let my folks do the talking, because quite frankly, I'm tired, absolutely tired, of people going off about what I eat, or don't eat. And quite frankly, I hate it when people feel sorry for me. For whatever reason. No one has the right to pity me, but myself. It just completely annoys me. Nothing is deep anymore, you know? All my relationships with people I interact with face-to-face are all so shallow. So on the surface. Nothing ever goes beyond what the surface holds. And when I try to let people in, they disappoint me. Stab that penknife into my heart and start twisting savagely, without even realising what they're doing.

So here's the deal. I've came up with a new mantra, and a life philosophy for myself. Brutus in Julius Caesar is a stoic. I'm thinking I could be a partial stoic. I'd take pain and all things fucked up as they are and don't dwell or whine over and about them, and when it comes to things I enjoy, it's self-indulgent time.

I can fake as well as anyone. I can be as fake as the next cat down the block if I want to. And you know what? It's about fucking time I start doing that. Being honest and sincere has led me nowhere. So it's time to slip that facade back on and cut everyone out. I don't need meaningful relationships anyway. Who does?

Charah coffee

you pay me no attention

I should be asleep. I have been extremely angry/upset from the last we talked until about 10. Now I'm just comfortably numb. I feel like I need a lobotomy...or at least some sort of surgery to remove thoughts. I cannot stand being surrounded by my own thoughts all the time anymore. It's driving me nuts, and I mean that in the literal sense. I just want to check myself into a nuthouse and forget everything else. Be as happy as the lunatics in them asylums. Be graded "terminally insane", so that I don't have to take responsibility for my own actions and thoughts. Be strapped in a straitjacket, so that I wouldn't have the ability to inflict harm on others or myself, since lobotomies aren't very common nowadays.

If I can't have that, then give me someone who could calm me. Someone in the form of the opposite sex. I don't even know, I'm all lonely and empty, and all I have is myself, and I hate myself sometimes, and I'm the last thing I need, so something should balance it all out, right? The concept of yin and yang? It should only make sense, but then, nothing ever does.

I don't know what the hell my folks want. I have the ability to write, and they don't even care. They want to see all-rounded good grades. They want to see 6 A1's at the end of this year. They want to see me get into some top 5 junior college. I don't even give a shit about getting A's and going to a top 5 school. I'm only attempting to work towards it because that's what they want. I know I'm not the person they had in mind when they conceived me. I know the perosn I turned out to be isn't who they would lvoe to have. But you know what, dear folks? Too fucking bad! I'm not going to do JACK SHIT to change anything. You either live with me, or without. Put up with my mood swings if you must. I put up with yours all the time. Listen to me when I talk to you. When I say 'no', it means 'no'. It does not mean 'yes'. Don't blame me if you refuse to listen and things go on to fuck up in your face, because I've already made my point loud and clear. You simply refused to listen. And that's really not my freaking problem.

Like it isn't obvious enough...I'm not exactly a ray of sunshine right now. To make matters worse, silverchair's new album is coming out in July for the rest of the world, when Australia and New Zealand are getting it in April. How's that for fair? I've never really given a shit about things like that, but since it concerns me, I'm very pissed off by it. And that waiter, he's filled my thoughts the entire day. I need to see him again. I'm just so pathetic, aren't I.

Wrote 4 poems in a row. They all suck.