March 23rd, 2002

Charah coffee

money is hollow

Went to school for a career workshop this morning. It was boring. The first speaker talked about life sciences, and while she sustained my attention, she did not sustain my interest. The next woman rambled about entrepeurnership or whatever. Like, did I look like I remotely gave a shit? NO! The third one was this law librarian. She's cute. But I was too restless to listen, so I ended up talking to the people around me.

The main point was though to follow your passion. All I can say to that is, "Duh." I don't care if I'm going to end up a suffering artist or whatever, I'm going to make a living out of writing, and that's that. Life sciences put me to sleep, running a business makes me go, "Uh...", and being a lawyer is not my type of scene. So...

I still want to go to New York. Jeff grew up in New Jersey, and the way he described New York made it sound like some horrid place. But I don't really care. I have been sheltered by the Singapore government and my school, and my parents for too long now. I cannot afford to stay sheltered forever, you know? What kind of life would that be?

Yesterday I was the amcee (sp) for the class assembly. It was my first time speaking into a microphone in front of the entire school, and you know what? I didn't care. I went up, was totally calm, and while the other girl was doing her part, stared out into the audience and marvelled at how many people there are in the school. So it's safe to say that I don't suffer from stage fright. Not that it's important, because I've already given up my 14-year-old dream of being a rock star. Ha, ha.

Yay I got a letter from my friend in London! My Biology test would go really well. I expect I'd pass quite well, I suppose. How do I feel about that? Answer: Self, you are an idiot. You are an asshole. You deserve to be struck by lightning.

Me and Yunnie had our friend's answers to this worksheet that the teacher gave to prepare us for the test under our foolscap pads. I had my textbook opened to the eye page in the drawer. The teacher was gone for some meeting or whatever, so the lab technician was invigilating. She was busy with this lamp that needed repairing, and I was seated at the second last row. I got stumped a lot more times than I could proceed. Temptation set in, and I let my hand do the work. I shut my mind off, and refused to reflect on what I was doing. I still don't, actually. I just don't want to think about it.

Truth be told, practically the whole class was doing it, so I don't know why it's bothering me. And I've learnt one thing: it's not peer pressure. It's pressure from within. I know no one can ever pressure me into something I don't want to do, and I obviously wanted to cheat, because no one said, "[insert name], you have to do it, or I'm not gonna be your friend."

Of course, if anyone told me that, I'd shove my middle finger in their faces and go, "Do I look like I care?" But you get my point, don't you? Pressure comes in all forms, and I believe the worst of them all is pressure from yourself, because you can't fight it, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good a person you are.

C'est la vie.

Charah coffee

um, right

I'm not sure if it's my failure as a writer, but I just found out I got this review of my 'to be innocent once more' entry. Apparently, I wrote about mood swings. The jokes I inserted bothered the reviewer.

I read that entry again, and I don't think it's my failure as a writer. The purpose of the jokes were to further highlight the point that half the time, I just want to let loose and go insane and stop worrying about being mature all the goddamned time, because to tell the truth, it's very tiring. Am I supposed to keep an eye out for retarded readers? It's not my fault that sometimes, people don't get my brand of 1) humour, 2) sarcasm and 3) self-expression. It's also not my fault that half the world is blinded by their stupid stupidity.

Do I think I'm better than everyone else? No. I know it. *smiles*

(I need ego boosts, you know.)