April 28th, 2002

happy girl

i don't wanna be lonely

It turns out Wednesday is Labour Day so even if I did pass the Maths test, I can't be with Gen because my parents would be home. My only hope is tomorrow. I pray and hope and all that shit that the test wouldn't take too much of my very precious time, as I really am not looking forward to a week without seeing him.

This is really me. I have not being brainwashed by the romantic fools in the world, nor have I been abducted by aliens or whatever. This is me! Oh, my god. It's so strange.

Last night on the phone I asked Gen if he had AIDS. (One gotta make sure, right?) He was like, "What?!" I said, "AIDS. A-I-D-S. Do you have AIDS?" He said, "What, you wanna do it?" I said, "No! But I have to make sure, right? Just in case." He said, "Of course not. Stupid question."

I found that extremely funny, but it could just me.

Dad came back today. He bought me Jay Chou's first album which included the VCD of his music videos. It's so damn cheap, man! S$17.95! Usually a CD costs about S$19. I can't believe my dad bought me a CD because he never does. Whenever I mention CDs to him, he would tell me how he has bought less than 5 CDs in his entire life, like it's supposed to make me feel guilty about buying CDs or something, and then he would go on about how it's a waste of money to buy CDs. So as you can see, Daddy buying me Jay Chou is like...I don't know, Daddy telling me he wouldn't mind if I go to Gen's and make love to him right now.

Okay. Self, do not think about sex. You're not going to do it. You're too young. You're not ready. You don't want to get pregnant. You're not in love. Wait til you turn 16, okay?

Seriously, even after I turn 16, nothing changes. I mean, if I were to lose my virginity anytime soon, it would definitely be to Gen (come on, who else can I shag? No one). Even though my entire body is screaming at me to forget everything and just do it, I know I shouldn't, because, well, I'm too young. I know that.

But when we make out, logic does not have a place in my mind, heart, or body. Especially not body. The body never listens to logic, only impulse.

I have never felt this kind of hormonal thing before and when I do think about it, it makes me feel like an animal, but not in the bad, degrading way. It's new, so it's kind of strange, but I accept it because I'm human, and because Gen is so freaking sexy so it can't be just me.

And I'm not the only one who gets horny either. I'm quite sure he does too. I'm not going to elaborate. You think about it. When two people make out, their bodies are pressed against each other's. So...