November 22nd, 2004

kiri win

stupid retard.

How did History completely blew up in my face? Let me count the ways...

1. Question Two was horrendously, astoundingly, stupefyingly disastrous. It was only until I finished my "essay" that I realised that it was asking on the general political impact of colonialism, and not specifically indirect rule. What did Yelen the Genius shit about? Nothing but indirect rule and I could hardly remember the stupid fucking details about the Malay College and the traditional monarchy or whatever stupid other bullshit I was supposed to remember but didn't.

2. And what was source based mercilessly on? The Malayan Bloody Union. What's that, I hear truckloads of Singaporeans asking. EXACTLY. WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE MALAYAN UNION? The stupid exercise was so boring that I was falling asleep, and since I thought that the MU was too insignificant and retarded to come out, I barely touched my MU notes and thus, I remembered nothing. What happened in 1948? Uh, sorry, you're asking the wrong person even though I topped History.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am such amazing proof that JJC is a huge unfunny joke.

Look, the only two things that made me stop cursing and swearing at Singapore history were the separation from Malaysia and the communist threat. That's all. Imagine the fun I would've had if something came out on either.

I'm too un-arsed about the stupid numbering thing I started so I'm gonna ditch it completely.

This is GP all over again. I can't decide which is worse though... but maybe it doesn't matter because the fact is, both were terrible and I'm gonna get an abysmal B for this stupid subject.

I can't believe I screwed up one whole question. I mean, I did my non-studying with the self-granted leeway that it would be my worst question, but to such an unprecedented (and it really was, for I've never mis-interpreted a question before) degree?

And I'm not consoled in any way, shape or form by the thought that I churned out 7 pages for my nationalism essays, solely because I had no idea what the fuck question five wanted of me, and I also managed to screw up my beloved post war nationalism/decolonisation because I couldn't decide if the question was a turning point question or not so in the end I attempted to combine both but because I had memorised different case studies for the different question types, my attempt was hilariously mediocre and shitty.

I'd need two 20s to get an A for Paper 2. That is impossibly impossible.

So, that's it then. History is a goner too. Just when I was thinking that I had an A delivered to me on a silver platter the minute I signed up for it last year.

And Econs? Goddamn MCQ robbed me of the A too. Since when was the Phillips curve in the bloody syllabus? Never, right? Was even stated in the ten-year series and all. But guess what? It came out in question 29. Had no idea what it was on about so I chose option A. Whatever the hell natural unemployment is.

So, I can't get the 25/30 anymore and the most I can get is probably a 20 if my guesses were correct, and since I've never got beyond a 20/30 for my stupid case study and I can't remember my highest score for DRQ but it wasn't great, this basically means that prelim is repeating itself and my Paper 3 is gonna be let down by my shitty MCQ, just because I can't really think hypothetically and some other stuff which I can't articulate right now because I'm so damn pissed at myself.

So what do I do now? I have Lit Paper 4 on Thursday but I'm damn fucking tired. I can't take this anymore. Why am I allowing myself to be so completely taken by it? What do I do now?

If my worst expectations come true next March, I think I'm going to hang myself in front of the useless general office. That's it, man. The end of the beginning. What beginning was there to begin with? A new beginning specially tailor-made to iron out all the creases in my life? Was that it?

Well, I'm sorry self, truly I am, but the iron has just burnt a huge ugly black fucking hole in your nice perfect little mini skirt.

God, I just can't stop screwing up! My intelligence is truly fucking wasted on me, for when push comes to shove, I choose to be absolutely butt-stupid instead.

GOOD GOING SELF. You have my utmost respect for being such a true blue pseudo-genius.

Of course, I'm hoping that I'm just being paranoid, but then again, "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you", to quote Kurt Cobain. How true, how true. Do I even dare to hope for the outcome that I so badly want? But why set myself up for the devastating, crushing disappointment that is inherently inevitable?

I told him this once and it's true. I am me. Hence, being me, whatever I want will always turn to shit. He didn't believe me, of course; nobody does. But it's true. I can't prove it, but it is.

To sum it all up: I really don't like myself very much right now.