July 9th, 2006

Charah coffee

this is where your sanity gives in.

I'm awfully bitter when I find out that people I know from Jurong are going to universities like Imperial College while I'm stuck in NUS. The reasonable, nice part of me knows very well that they (okay, he*) deserve it, but the horrible part of me is screaming, "I totally deserve it, too."

You have no idea what I'd give up to be able to go to Cambridge or Yale or whatever. Instead, I'm stuck in NUS. Stuck. In. NUS.

Worst fate ever.

To make matters worse, now I can live happy in the knowledge that I had the chance to change my situation but I ultimately gave it up.

In fact, I had four chances and I passed all of them up for law school in NUS.

God, I'm the biggest idiot ever. I could've chosen KCL and lived in London. It's not New York but it's not Singapore and it's a city and that's all that matters. Do I regret this? Of course I do. Am I going to whine about it some more after this entry? I'm trying very hard not to.

I guess I'm a changed person as compared to the whiny...thing I was a year ago. So I'm stuck in a course I never wanted to be in. So what. It doesn't mean I should be resigned to my fate and screw up the next three years. It just means that I'd have work harder at not flunking out and trying not to be as depressed as I was a year ago. You know, simple things like that.

School is starting soon. I'm mostly wishing it'd never happen, or that I could, you know, kill myself before it happens, but simultaneously I don't mind that much. At least it'd be something to do.

And then there's the whole new campus thing. At the very least, that'd keep me interested for the first couple of hours of the new academic year. Better than nothing, right?


I'm never going to like law school, let alone love it.

I think I can, however, tolerate it.

In Yelen speak, that's as good as liking it.


I watched the Constant Gardener and my urge to get the hell out of this insipid country grew even stronger.

I want to see the world, live life to its fullest, suck the fucking marrow out of it. Carpe diem and all that Dead Poets Society espouses. I love that film for a good reason, and at the same time it makes me sad because it reminds me of all that I don't have in my life. It's unthinkable to live for twenty years and to have seen almost nothing, and yet, that's exactly how it is for me.

I'm disgustingly sheltered, I so need to get out more, in fact I need to leave. I knew this when I was 16, but I'm convinced of it now, deep in my gut. This country will murder my spirit before I kill myself.

I need to figure out a plan, my 'get out of jail' card, I need to be free. Once and for all.


I still haven't sorted out that other issue. The more I try to think the more confused I get. I just...can't.

Slightly unrelated but kind of along the same vein of thought, I find that my experiences with non-Singaporean males have been significantly more interesting and exhilarating than my experiences with Singaporean males. The latter has largely been uneventful, dull, boring; while the former...I haven't even the words to describe it. Suffice to say, though, that no Singaporean has ever kissed me before, or wanted to kiss me. So, there you go.

Anyway, I'm still severely bummed about the stupid, pathetic $77 in my stupid, pathetic bank account. I was thinking of going shopping tomorrow after my appointment thing at the modelling agency, and I was even getting excited and kind of happy, until I remembered the poor health of my stupid, pathetic bank account. I feel like a vagrant. I have no home. I have no money. I have no life.


I need to lose weight. Badly.

The only thing that's keeping me from pulling the trigger with regard to the whole MY BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY NOOOO! thing is that I'd be having lunch with Mag and Ruishan. Seriously, it's like salvation, the one thing that makes everything better. I honestly can't remember the last time I had lunch with friends on my birthday, my 18th one notwithstanding because it was in school and they kinda had no choice.

At the same time, my 18th birthday was still the best birthday ever. Funny how fond memories always find their way back to Jurong.

Jurong Jurong Jurong. I have to get over you, haven't I? Oh, but I wish I knew how to quit you.

I still haven't watched Brokeback Mountain. If I'd gone to Taipei a bit later I might've been able to get it on DVD.

I hate censorship.

I should shower.

* my friend from junior college. I used to call him Mr. Nerd in this journal.