November 9th, 2006

kiri win

the endgame.

I am very disturbed by the fact that my layout looks like shit on Firefox. I didn't even know until Ruishan pointed it out to me in the middle of Company lecture yesterday. ARGH. None of my layouts work on Firefox. Why? What is so special about Firefox that my crappy HTML-ing completely screws up on it? I even downloaded the browser so that I can try to figure out what is wrong, but well, I kinda woke up 45 minutes ago and I'm so not in the mood to stare at HTML right now. And even if I were in the mood for that, I highly doubt I'd figure it out anyway. </p>

Time to start trawling the 'net for help forums.

After ten million years, I still love Dakota a lot a lot a lot. I have no idea why; I usually find my love for a single song waning after a few days. But whenever I think about the song, I get all happy. Hence, it really sucks that I've been getting Drops of Jupiter stuck in my head for the past few days (more specifically, the part that goes 'something something five-hour phone conversation, best soy latte you ever had').

I should be studying now but I don't study in the morning, especially not after just waking up, hence this entry. And because I reached home too late to update yesterday.

Yesterday was awesome. I'm bummed more than ever now that Siming is in Business 'cause that means I don't get to see him and disturb him, ever. That's like SO sad, because he's so fun to disturb and talk to! The three of us (plus Agatha) were sitting in Food Republic, eating and drinking, and laughing a lot, and laughing very loudly, and talking, just like old times. Post-LAWR research binder crappy shit rubbish, Crystal Jade lunch then Coffee Bean at Holland Village, and that was really fun. And last night was like that, but better. Siming is such a hilarious dude; he was entertaining us with his embarrassing stories, of which he probably has more than ten million, including stories about his (past? Haha) love life. He's so...completely funny. And he made a shocking confession to which I was totally appalled and grossed out, but I think my reaction was stronger than it would have been if I weren't so high on caffeine last night.

Yes, I was high on caffeine last night, I realise that now. I had this medium-sized iced latte from Starbucks at around 4.30 in the afternoon, accompanied by the last chapter of Glenn's comparative legal traditions textbook (which was a great read). That lasted me a couple of hours, after which I happily walked into Esprit and bought a new top. Yayness. But anyway, the caffeine in the latte was pretty strong as it massively messed with my head, made me all oozy (don't ask; it just happens), but despite that, I bought an iced yuan yang (coffee + tea) after dinner. Hence, caffeine overdose. I haven't felt that high in a quite a while. You should've seen me in Siming's car; I think he was traumatised. I was all crazy and rambling non-stop and laughing like some crazy-ass psycho. I even told him a deep dark secret of mine that only, like, five (or six, kinda) people knew about, only because I told them about it. Lesson to be learnt? Too much caffeine is a really, really bad thing.

Actually, not really. Siming is trustworthy so all is good, and he gave me his take on that deep dark secret of mine, and I was quite surprised when it turned out he shared other people's opinions (is 'opinions' a word? Gosh my grammar sucks) on that deep dark secret, too. Quite interesting, it was.

Anyway, Siming drove me home which saved me the trouble of getting pissed off on public transport so all is good. And Mag also came to join us at 9-something, after her super long business at Cineleisure. I'm sure she was sufficiently entertained. Haha!

So, yesterday was a good day, despite everything else. I also had a nice chat with Simon when I got home, 'cause I needed to whine and bitch and moan about something quite retarded. I like talking to Simon; he's a very good listener and problem-solver. And sometimes, you really need a male perspective on things, so it's always good to have a good guy friend who's willing to put up with your childish, girly nonsense. I can count on one hand the number of people I'd whine to the way I whined to Simon last night, and obviously he's one of them. Here's to more great years of friendship, and don't hesitate to whine to me! I think I'm quite a good listener too. Well, kinda. I hope. Um, I don't know.

I still haven't started studying - like, at all. I'm still more interested in finishing my readings for the Chinese law thingy, which was covered in yesterday's lecture. This is so wrong. And it really pisses me off to no end that I'm reading about my own fucking tradition in English, from an ang moh point of view. Like, wha? And it pisses me off, too, that people don't use hanyu pinyin more, 'cause I don't know what the Chinese terms are when spelled in something that isn't pinyin. It's so irritating. I was trying to figure out what the hell 'chien jen' or whatever it was is in Chinese, but to no freaking avail. Damn, I can't stand this. But it's also the only excuse I have for bailing on studying and reading something I'm a lot more interested in instead, since it's technically "for school". Suffice it to say that everything I've read so far is completely new to me. I'm so ashamed of myself.

I consider myself Chinese first, a human being second, and Singaporean last. It gets me, every single time, when I realise how little I know about my own tradition and culture, and how brainwashed I've been by Western concepts. It's this eternal tug-of-war between the East and the West that's always going to exist within me, how I subscribe to certain values and beliefs without really making a conscious choice, because I've been indoctrinated by the media and the government and the education system to think that it's right, that anything that doesn't conform to these values are wrong or outdated, but that's too simple and life is never so simple, it's so much more complex than that, it's a question of who you are and why you are who you are, and right now I can honestly say that I'm what I am because I haven't thought about it at all. Why do I automatically, even instinctively, reject Society Above Self when it's a concept so deeply-rooted in my own culture? Why do I not question the validity of the universalism of human rights when it's essentially a Western concept? KW and I talked about this before and he was so right about everything, and I'm beginning to see that now. The more I know, the more I'm going to question, and I will gladly suffer an identity crisis all over again if it means knowing for sure that the values I hold on to for dear life are truly mine, and not the product of a schizophrenic country without an identity of its own.

I need to be more than just Singaporean. I need to be Chinese, once and for all.

kiri win

hello, square one. nice to see you again.

I honestly just wanna die now.

I wrote an entry before this and deleted it a few minutes ago because it isn't true anymore. Because I feel like I'm on a freaking rollercoaster all the time and I hate rollercoasters and once again, just as I was ready to FINALLY give up, he turns around and pulls something that makes me want to hang on for just a little while longer.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm completely amazed by how little willpower I have, what a sucker I am, how far gone I truly am. You should've seen my reaction. I wailed. Like, literally WAILED. I ran out of my mom's room and went, 'OH MY GOD! I WANT TO DIE!' My mom thought something bad happened to me. My brother actually came out of his room to see what was up; he never does that. Now my mom thinks I'm crazy.

I think I'm crazy.

Wait, I know I'm crazy. That's the only possible explanation I can think of to account for my wailing, my inability to stick to one decision for more than ten seconds, and the fact that I'm even typing this entry. Luckily for me, insanity is so a defence under...I don't know, some random provision of the Penal Code that I've obviously forgotten.

It was an email. Things would be a lot easier for me if he didn't bother with the email, but he bothered and that defied and exceeded all expectations. Like, I thought he was just another insensitive, self-absorbed asshole who only cares about himself, but that's not true, and you have no idea how much I wish it were true, at this juncture. It'd give me the perfect reason to forget about all of it and move on with my life, yadayadayada, but now I'm back at square one, staring at the weakling in the mirror, not knowing what the hell to do with her.

If there's anything about him that I'm absolutely sure of, it's that he's completely unpredictable. I can't peg him to anything else because to do so would be absolute folly, and so there's no point in attempting to do so. He burns hot and cold and it gives me the impression that he doesn't give a shit, and maybe he doesn't give a shit, maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better, but I'm sitting here thinking, I don't think that's true at all. I had no idea that he'd even care about what I said to him; I thought it was done the minute I walked away with my parting shot, "Enjoy the death stick." But he emailed me with an apology and somehow, that turned everything around.

I'm painfully aware that I really need to put my emotions on hold and stop letting them rule me all the time. Unfortunately, I've always been ruled by my emotions, which is why I'm here typing this instead of doing all the stuff I ought to be doing, like, oh, studying, for instance. I'm screwed for the exams. I'll deal with that later.

I think now is a good time to get so pissed that I throw up all over myself and start babbling my deepest, darkest secrets to whoever cares to hear. Yeah, I don't think I'd ever have a more opportune moment than now.

Actually, I'm kind of wondering: What if you wear contacts and you get drunk? How are you going to remove your contacts before you crash onto your bed? 'Cause sleeping with one's contacts on is extremely bad, especially for me, so much so that I don't even take a thirty-second shut-eye with my contacts on. Does this mean that I'd have to wear my fugly glasses if I ever decide to go out to drink?

Talk about jumping the gun. Once again, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. I'm such a procrastinator.

I haven't answered his email. I spent the past hour and forty minutes letting it sink in. I think a part of me is still in shock.

Well, it's always nice to know that there's hope for humanity, still.

the title of this entry is from episode 3x05 of Veronica Mars