November 14th, 2006

kiri win

it's been a long time coming.

Taking a break from reading about charges in the Walter Woon textbook. I swear, if I read another word on negative pledge and crystallisation and contingency and priorities and equitable charges and whatever else, I will fucking explode.

It's 4.09 p.m. and I haven't even started on my pre-exam seminar questions. The deadline is midnight today. FUCK I AM DEAD. All things considered, I really shouldn't be writing this entry but like I said, I need a break or I will definitely go insane.

Well, on the bright side, this is the first time over the whole semester that I'm reading Walter Woon without going "what the fuck?" every ten seconds. It helps that this is the first time I'm reading the charges portion and that I actually tried listening in tutorials so I kinda already had a vague idea of what the whole charges thing was about and so reading the textbook confirmed a lot of things and cleared up confusion and doubts and jolly good things along those lines. I look at my textbook and I think to myself, Shit, I can't wait to get rid of you.

I can't wait for the day when Company Law ceases to have any impact whatsoever on my life for good. December 5. I'm not going for my tutor's post-exam lunch thingy 'cause it's my mom's birthday and I want to have lunch with her, and no Mom, I don't care what you say, I'm choosing you over listening to people talk about corporate practice because I'm sure about this and it's rare for me to be sure about anything so stop confusing me and let me do what I said I will do. Thank you.

That, and I'm just not interested in corporate practice. I'd rather die, thank you. It's like the ultimate form of soul-selling to the proverbial devil, and I think I've already sold a large part of my soul to the said devil just by being in law school. I have principles, man, and I intend to stick to them.

I didn't do jack last night. I really wanted to finish my pre-exam thingies by last night but no, I couldn't because the phone is the most evil invention in the world and it's freaking distracting and by the time I hung up it was almost three and I was super sleepy and so I went to bed. I think it will do me good to stop being so damn transparent but other times I just can't be bothered. It takes way too much energy to pretend, to be something I'm not, to mask things that don't really need masking, so whatever. I'm zen and so nothing matters.

Also, I think I should stop correcting other people's grammar; it will probably get really irritating after a while, if it's not irritating already. But sometimes I just can't help it. Like, if someone tells me, This girl writes really good, my first instinct is to say, No, she writes really well. And you know, I realised today that I'm still confused over when to use 'will' and when to use 'would' so it's really not like I'm some expert on grammar so I should just stop doing it. Honestly. One day someone's gonna call my bluff and that would (will? I think it's would) be utterly embarrassing indeed.

I woke up at 1 today. Look no further for a definition of the word 'decadent'. I woke up at 1 today and I still feel like sleeping right now.

No more late night phone calls. At least, no more late night phone calls for now. I think I ought to just stick to SMS but SMSing takes so damn long and I'm so lazy to punch out what I want to say, letter by letter. Sometimes it's really more convenient to get things done and over with by calling up the person and telling him/her what you want to say. Of course, the initial purpose of calling instead of SMSing - that is, you want to save time - is completely screwed with when that person goes on to talk to you for like ten million hours, even though your original, bona fide intention was honestly to just ask him/her one very simple thing.

And of course, you can't lie for shit and so you can't say that you didn't like talking to that person, because that's simply not true. But then there are things that you like and then there are things that screw with your head, so I think your choices are pretty obvious - namely, you don't really have a choice. Namely, you have to do what you have to do. That's the end game for the next couple of weeks.

This is completely annoying. I hate Company Law. It's taking up way too much time but what's to be done about that?

It's been ages since I last walked in the rain. Since it's raining almost every day, the next time I feel like killing myself over something completely stupid and mundane, I will make a date with the rain and get myself soaked and drenched, just for the heck of it.

Oh yes. I'm going to Bangkok for four days after the exams with my mom and my cousin. I've never been to Bangkok before. How exciting. I can't wait to go shopping.

kiri win

i am totally screwed.

I fucking failed my final theory evaluation - AGAIN. Each time I fail it's bloody $2.10 wasted, and passing only lets me book a freaking final theory test date. I HATE FINAL THEORY. I get asked all sorts of stupid questions like, "When a cyclist turns his head to the rear, what does he intend to do?" Like, who freaking cares in the first place? I think this is the question that Baoyue bitched about the last time we met up, and dude, I SO TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. I read that question, thought about you, and started laughing to myself.

I'm going crazy.

In other news, I am proud to announce that I haven't done jack. I haven't started studying, I haven't started on my student exchange application and the deadline's this Friday, and there's this pre-exam seminar for Company on Thursday and we're supposed to submit our answers by tomorrow midnight and I've just downloaded the questions and I've just looked at them, and I'm very alarmed because I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I don't know how to do anything. I am so dead.

I want to die. Now. Before the exams kill me.

I need to find some really strong coffee; I'm falling asleep in front of my laptop and this happened to me yesterday which is why I couldn't study, and yes I'm making excuses. I can't study. I don't know why but I just can't study. I can't study in school, I can't study at home, I can't study with people, I can't study by myself. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING. That's a rhetorical question. There isn't even a question mark to indicate that it's a question so I guess it's not even a rhetorical question since it doesn't qualify as a question, and so OMG my grammar sucks too?!

I like the new Internet Explorer browser which is basically a rip-off of Firefox. Unlike Firefox though, my layout actually shows up properly on IE. I tried tweaking the HTML so that it'd work on Firefox but to no avail. I'm simply clueless, period.

I realise that I have way too many issues, even for myself to handle. Sometimes I get the urge to stay out all night with my cellphone switched off, not bothering to tell the folks where I am, not giving a damn that I'm making them sick with worry, just me walking aimlessly along empty roads, all the way till sunrise, and I will compose poetry in my head and stop and scribble them down every now and then before the words disappear forever. Sometimes I get the urge to act on my impulses and do things without considering the consequences, simply because they make me feel good, and because I can. It's always been about carpe diem, except I don't actually practise it and merely sprout it like a cliche when it really shouldn't be so. But Dead Poets Society has always been one of my favourite films of all time.

And now? I know what's important and so I'm telling myself to shut the fuck up even though it's hard sometimes; I'm telling my mind to leave me alone and to compartmentalise even though I've always seen things as a whole, every element related and nothing is ever mutually exclusive; and I'm telling myself to stop being stupid and just be the person that does things properly and at the right time, who lives up to her responsibilities and ignores her whims and fancies.

Whims and fancies fuck you up and when you realise that it's not worth it, it's really way too late. And of course, you have all the time in the world to do whatever when the most important thing right now is over.

What I really wanna do right now? Go shopping and trim my hair. Most of my bottoms are too damn big; the short skirts I always wear now hang loosely around the lowest portion of my hips, which is bloody ridiculous, and EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF JEANS I OWN, which totals up to like, FOUR, needs hiking up every ten seconds. I am tres annoyed and I can't freaking go shopping because I have exams, nevermind that I'm this close to having nothing to wear. And my hair? It's ugly. Period.

But hey, in the name of maturity and responsibility, I shall put those two very important activities off until the exams are over. In the meantime, I have to go kill myself over Company Law, so have a nice day and a nice life.