January 19th, 2007

happy girl

khai said it best.

"It wasn�t the thing itself. It was your ability to see it. That�s the lie everyone tells you: the truth about forever is that there is no forever. What you think you know is at best a lease you sign on Elysium. Noone ever tells you it�ll run out. Out of this secret paradise you will soon speed. And you�ll never be the same person again. You�ll never ever forget, you�ll never love in that precise aching manner anymore. Part of you has been ripped out. It only comes once, everything else after is a travesty."

**

Random wireless network and leeching and there's a technical term for this. Wait, it's coming back to me...um, virtual trespassing? Something along those lines.

Ruishan's 21st birthday yesterday. I love that girl, I really do; I don't know what I'd do without her. Kel K threw her a surprise birthday party at McDonalds' West Coast. Rui's honestly the only person I know who'd have her 21st birthday party at McDonalds'. That's exactly what makes her special.

People like that are hard to come by. When their paths intersect with yours, you make sure you fight like hell to keep them around.

I had a good time exchanging sarcasm and sexual innuendos with Tris and Kyle. It was very interesting, it was. I can't believe Tris' perception of me changed completely in, like, eight minutes, was it? Like, seriously? I totally thought everyone totally knew that I totally enjoy taking jabs at the bimbo-ish thing by speaking in this totally bimbotic manner. It's, like, totally hilarious.

I can't imagine what his perception of me used to be, on second thoughts. 'Totally' has been one of my new favourite things to say since...I don't know, a long time ago. Just ask anyone, you know? I want to answer the question he posed on his blog but the brain ain't working at its maximum efficiency level right now and questions like that need some serious thinking so another time, if I ever get round to it. If I don't, please remind me that there's something I've forgotten to do.

American Idol is SO FUCKING FUNNY, OH MY GOD. If one ever needs a cure for depression, just watch American Idol. Missed Wednesday's episode 'cause didn't know it started (OMG when's Lost coming back!?!?!?!?!?), got my bro to tape Thursday's, and OMG OMG OMG IT'S THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT EVER. Like, EVER. Generally, while watching the audition rounds, you'd find your jaw dropping further and further towards the ground as you contemplate, in utter amazement and wonder, just how it is that such people could actually exist. Specifically, that weirdo 27-year-old chick with the thick black-framed glasses, weird-looking wig-like blond hair, too-bright lipstick, very bad teeth, and...get this...boobs so fucking saggy that I swear they were hanging down past her bloody ribcage. And bloody hell, I highly doubt she was wearing a bra. Like...SERIOUSLY. The extent of her delusion? Completely shocking. I felt my mind being blown, then put back again when I thought I was over the initial shock of finding out that such people exist, then blown again when her MOTHER showed up and she looked EXACTLY LIKE HER DAUGHTER. Except, the mother had black wig-like hair and her boobs weren't as saggy as her daughter's.

Oh, my god. So damn freaking funny. And that weirdo dude whom Simon commented looked like a monkey who sang 'NSYNC's Tearing Up My Heart? I couldn't stop laughing.

God Bless America Indeed. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Simon Cowell is so incredibly sexy. I think he put on some weight but in any case, he's soooo hot. That British accent, his dry, curt sarcasm, everything about him screams HOT. Everytime American Idol starts again I'd write an entry or two, or more, gushing about how hot Simon is. And it's been a couple of years or so and things haven't changed much. Not that I'm surprised; I've always adored the mainstream/commercial/Simon Cowell British accent, and sarcasm has always been a major turn-on.

Sarcasm is my best defence. It comes to mind when nothing else does, and it's bad when you end up hurting people with your caustic remarks when you really, honestly, did not mean to. Self-improvement, here I come.

Miss a few people, miss a few stolen moments, still miss the good ol' days. Jurong Junior and Mel and Pei and study benches and skipping out on Maths lectures and crashing in the ACC room. Lawrence, Weili, Haojun, Basketball Dude On Whom I Had A Crush, Some ACC Senior Who Seemed To Have A Thing For Me But Didn't Do Anything About It (we had this CCA camp and I kept catching him looking at me. 'Twas weird. He played super awesome basketball though, and at that time basketball was a huge turn-on), Makoto, Hong Chuan or something similar (always thought he was quite cute), Eugene Ryan (always thought he was hot), Random Guys That Harassed Me At The Least Opportune Moments, Really Funny Stuff. This guy named Lance who, according to Liying, was flirting with me during Orientation, but of course I was too dense to notice anything. Looking back now, hell yeah it was pretty obvious. First Three Months people, our Dramafest thingy, that Raul-lookalike with a twin brother, the Samuel (short Samuel, not the one in 03A2) and Tong combo plus this other guy whom Mel and I somehow nicknamed Andy Lau. I can't remember his real name. All their retarded comments made during Maths AO. Why the hell did I take Maths AO? Very good question. Sometimes such side-splitting moments were the only reasons I bothered showing up for class. And this Chinese High guy, too. I miss First Three Months; it was when I had the most fun in JC. I mean, that kinda figures, but seriously, the kinda people I met? Absolutely fantastic. Unpretentious and real, uncomplicated, they come as they are.

And there was Mel. We started out with the same pair of Nike shoes - dark blue, simple design. Funny to think how that pair of Nike shoes brought us together. She spotted those on me, pointed to them, and went, "Same shoes!" I remember very vividly that she wore a fluffy white scrunchie in her hair during some assembly thingy in the hall. She sat to my right, a few bodies in front of me. She won't be caught dead using that white scrunchie today. I don't know if she remembers this; probably not.

And that one time when we swapped uniforms, how my SN pinafore was wearing her, how short her AISS skirt was on me. So bloody fun, it was. And how I gave her one of my nametags and we pasted 'genius' and 'prodigy' over a couple of nametags and wore them like honour badges. And how we went to her house and hung out and had many moments where hearts and souls were bared, wrists peforated, minds blown. Amazing.

And this one time when we took the cab to Bukit Panjang Plaza with Tong. I found Tong intriguing because he stood out. It was largely due to his blatantly gravity-defying hair, but it was also because of that attitude of his. I remember thinking, "We're sharing a cab with Tong? Interesting." And so, being the rich bastard he's been since forever, he paid for the cab, we got out of the cab at BP Plaza, and he promptly went off to do his own stuff. How nice of him.

God, the history between us. How can it possibly compare to anything else attempted to be forged with me by new people who happened to stumble into my life by chance? I don't really know what I'm talking about, so I guess Nostalgia is the watchword nowadays.

I miss the good ol' days, moments long since passed, realities that only exist in my mind. Things I remember only because I wrote them down in my diary. I wouldn't remember Short Samuel and Tong and Andy Lau if I hadn't written about them, Lim Chee Guan (Lim Chee Bong according to Tong) and his relaxation exercise thingy he conducted during Econs lecture that made me laugh my ass off, then promptly slept blatantly in front of him with the hood of my Slam Dunk jacket over my head, which invited some 'eh, Jay Chou' comments from the Science students. LCG calling me 'Snowman', like, 'Why's the Snowman sleeping?' Boring teacher, mild and nice person. I always felt bad about skipping his classes, but hey.

Jurong's Science students. On second thoughts, I shan't comment, except to say that they provided a constant source of amusement for my friends and I.

Mel and Pei and the study benches. Year 2. Our hang-out place during that brief thirty-minute break some called 'recess' at 9.25 a.m. Pei's fashion magazines, my desperate annotation of the Bulldog's Prac Crit notes, Mel chewing on her breakfast or playing with the Jurong cat. Reading random graffiti left on the table, laughing at the bad English, leaving marks of our own. There was one that said 'Save the Arts', but this is another super embarrassing story for another day.

Pei and I and Sally C.'s GP classes, the way we were twenty minutes late, the way we didn't give a damn. Until she sat us down for a 'talk' when she discovered that we didn't really go to the toilet when we took one of our many, many breaks during GP. Oh, seriously, in retrospect I think we all know the 'talk' was pointless, that I could've just skipped every GP class and it wouldn't have made an ounce of a difference. Top student and all, you know? Don't mean to brag, but 'tis the truth. And this one time when she and I and a bunch of guys from her class were chased out of the classroom for 1) not paying attention; 2) talking amongst ourselves; or 3) all of the above. We dragged tables outside, faced them to the wall, and were supposed to do some inconsequential and stupid comprehension shit. Did we? Hell no. Ended up talking the period away. Good fun. Funny how Sally C. ended up one of the teachers I respect most in that school, to whom I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, her belief in me, her encouragement. Everything. Notwithstanding even my unfortunate...fling thingy or other with her son. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

And KCT. Our notorious, demented European History teacher. Damn fucking funny lah, is all I can say. The way I blatantly cut her tutorials, didn't bother doing her work, plagiarised the essays I was supposed to do but couldn't be arsed to do. Got caught for plagiarising once but what could she have done to me? And in retrospect, again, what did anything matter? Top student and everything. And she hated me the most out of everyone in my class (meaning 03A1). She made some irrelevant comment once about how '[Yelen] is sitting there as if she knows everything'. She singled me out for no reason, when I was really being a good girl and keeping quiet while off in my own fantasy world. I think she's always known that I was smarter than her methods and I wasn't exactly abashed in showing that I didn't care for her at all (to put it politely), and that I really wasn't like the other people in my class. They did work, I did nothing. They showed up for class, I skipped when I didn't feel like going. She caught me skipping and sent me to detention, I didn't give a damn. Just give up, really.

The way we judged people by the extent of their literary knowledge. Ah, our idealistic naivete. How I miss it.

And Tubby, Mr. Anand, Tim Dore. The only subject I didn't blow off was Literature. The be all end all, you know? The thing that's always mattered, that's always come through for me when all else fails. People don't get this thing called 'passion', especially people without a passion. It's a passion because you rely on it, because it makes sense when nothing else does, because it rescues you from darkness and despair. The shining beacon amidst a pitch-black horizon. That's what it was to me. That's what it still is to me - which is why law continues being a pain in the ass. But let's not go there, not tonight. I still remember what Tim Dore said in class once. Perhaps it was in jest, I don't know, but in any case, he was talking about the quality of our exam answers and whatever, about how I was 'good', and then he went, "In the future she might even be better than me."

Seriously. Coming from Tim Dore, that was the highest form of affirmation anyone could ever dream of having. He may be a perpetual drunkard, but the man is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. It's not just the Brit humour or whatever; it's the extent and depth of his knowledge, both GP-wise and Lit-wise, how he made everything so plain and obvious. Why does a dog lick its balls? Because it can. Truer words have not been said. And those words have stuck with me over these past years.

Anand always thought I should major in Lit. He left after our first year and he still owes Mel and I our books. He gushed over Julian Barnes' "Flaubert's Parrot" once, talked about the exam paper in the novel, admired his writing. It was partly because of that that I went out and bought the book; the other reason was that I was becoming a Julian Barnes fangirl. I am now a Julian Barnes fangirl. And the very, very first Lit lecture I had ever in Jurong - I still remember how inspired I was by his passion for the subject. It was one of those things that you sit through and subsequently become a part of, that special moment during which you feel completely alive, all due to someone else's enthusiasm for the subject. I can't even begin to describe it; it was absolutely amazing. He saved Othello for me.

Tubby - where do I even begin? His brilliance remains unsurpassed in my opinion, even after a year and a half of law school. The self-deprecating humour, the quick, witty comebacks, the emails I exchanged with him that still make me laugh my head off whenever I read them. God, the wit, the wit! Why the hell is he still single? At least he was single the last I checked. I showed him one of my poems once, one that I was the most proud of (not anymore - thankfully, 'cause I wrote that when I was 16 and I think I should move forward and stuff), and the only negative thing he had to say about it was the over-dramatic...ness of the title. Isn't he such an awfully nice guy? I think so too. When he was dissing us for our crappy exam answers, the only bad thing he had to say about mine was my handwriting. Like, he just had to pick a bone with everyone, you know? He told me to use a ruler. I just laughed it off. Some disgruntled dude from another class referred to Mel, Pei and I as Tubby's "pets". HAHA. The mere idea? So damn hilarious. But yeah, there was some truth to it, I think.

And of course, the College Day thing a year later. The valedictorian thing. Doesn't mean jack in the long run, but in that moment it was quite exhilaratingly victorious. Of course, I was going through my angsty, I Hate Law School period (well, not really a period since I'm kinda back there) and so I felt like a fraud, but I was the only person receiving money for topping, like, three subjects (I bloody might've got Econs, too, if I hadn't failed my MCQ for the prelims. I was like, 97th percentile or something. Gosh, the extra money I could've got), scoring three A's, and delivering some crap speech in front of everyone. Funny thing? The speech was crap, and the speech was sincere. Fuck, right? The only thing I regret was not including Arthur Kok in my list of thank-you's. I was too embarrassed because, I don't know, the pertinent people knew about my huge crush on him or so I believed, and so, well, that was a bad move on my part. Oh, and I regret what I wore, too. I regret it VERY much.

This entry is getting way too long. It's 2.05 a.m., I'm experiencing the beginnings of a cold, I'm super tired, and so I'm going to bed.

I needed this walk down memory lane. I really, really did.

happy girl

blow my mind.

I'm being a hundred percent honest here. I've been in law school for three semesters now, and am currently in my fourth semester of law school. That's a year and a half of drifting in and out of that place, mostly not giving a damn, waking up every now and then to catch something, only to fall asleep ten minutes later.

Well, today changed everything. 9 AM Public Law lecture. I couldn't be arsed to wake up early in the morning and prolonged my beauty sleep for as long as I could before my mom came in and started shouting at me to get myself out of bed. The dominant thought in my head was, Who the hell cares? It's just a bloody lecture that I don't give a damn about either way. So I deliberately didn't care that I was going to be late; in any case, I ended up not being late and was kind of, sort of, not really but still kind of, on time. Life is funny sometimes, you know? It simply doesn't allow me to self-destruct, however mildly and pathetically. Screw you, life.

Walked into the lecture theatre with Mag, sat down, took one look at the lecturer, and turned to Mag and Rui with this "OMG!" look on my face. "He's actually quite cute what!" I said to them. They looked at me as though I was nuts.

Well, I was probably nuts.

BUT, I ceased to be nuts and, you know, had a real, valid reason for being completely smitten throughout the entire lecture when he started lecturing. Because honestly? OH MY GOD!!!!!!!111!1ONEONEONE!111ONE!!!! So bloody mind-blowing, such perfect spoken English, such a stimulating lecture! In fact, most worthwhile lecture ever. I can't remember if I woke up feeling shitty but anyway, that lecture totally made my day. I totally adored the drama! Like AHHH he's totally amazing. I need to crash his tutorials or else I will die. I don't even mind sitting through four hours of Public Law on Tuesday afternoons because today's 9 AM Public Law lecture almost came close to the kind of inspired awe I felt in Mr. Anand's introductory Lit lecture. And Lit and Law aren't exactly comparable in my book (we all know which one wins).

I never knew a lecturer like that could exist in Law. LAW, for the love of all things beautiful! Seriously, he could've been teaching something artsy, going by the way he spoke and everything, but it was actually law. Like, wow, who would've thought? Not even in my wildest dreams, in fact.

Not that I ever dream about stimulating law lectures because I don't give a shit, but seriously, today's lecture changed things for me. Awesomeness. Time to send an email begging him to let me attend his 2 p.m. tutorials. That's like after sitting through my own 12 p.m. tutorial, which is after a 10 a.m. Trusts lecture (bloody mind-numbing stuff). We'll see how things go.

He said a lot of hilarious things that I copied down but I left my foolscap pad in school so well, can't reproduce them. But they're hilarious. Chloe has a couple on her blog and reading them made me laugh out loud.

Halfway through the lecture, when he was talking about law professors holding placards that say 'Constitutional supremacy' or whatever it was, I was thinking about how cool it'd be if the entire law faculty started a revolt/protest/whatever, hence prompting a shut-down of the faculty, hence giving me lots of free time to do nothing but run amok on the streets demanding for the supremacy of the Constitution. How exciting is that? But of course, in this day and age where the rate of contentment with the ruling party amongst my countrymen is apparently 66%, that's not gonna happen. 'Twas a nice fantasy while it lasted. Mostly because I wouldn't have to do my readings and feel irritated when thinking about preparing for tutorials.

Okay, irrelevant.

I tell every new person I meet when they find out that I'm in law and then proceed to make comments about asking me for my legal services in the future that 1) I don't intend to be lawyer; 2) I don't intend to have anything to do with the law and with law after I graduate; and 3) assuming I have no choice but to be a lawyer, I would want to go into Criminal law and be a defence counsel.

You see, Point #3 was the only real, meaningful reason I entered law school. It seems completely stupid and impossible to me now, but to some extent, it still contains some degree of truth. It's still what I would want to do if I truly became stuck in this profession. It doesn't make money, but fuck money. The money-spinning shit bores me to death.

But of course, I'm not heroic, I'm not noble, and so I'll say right now that if it's a toss-up between two money-less jobs, namely defending criminals and writing, I'd choose writing anytime, anyday. Duh, right? I know.

Change of subject. Chloe's Trusts tutor was my Property tutor. I miss him. I hope he remembered to submit a report for me for SEP because I forgot to remind him. I think British professors are so interesting because the whole British thing is just so cute and completely entertaining. Even BC has that Brit thing going on which completely amuses me, although I don't understand his lectures at all.

Anyway, moving on.

Had lunch with the Sisterhood in school (the bloody lemon butter was bloody sour and I'm never eating it again and hell it was butter which probably meant it was FATTENING), then headed down to Orchard with Rui and Pingying to shop. While walking out of the campus and down the slope, we noticed that the pavement and the road was littered with dead bugs. It was completely disgusting, and after a while I started screaming like a total retard, and it didn't help that there were random milipedes or centipedes or whatever crawling about, and that there were some flattened mili/centipedes on the ground. SO. TOTALLY. DISGUSTING.

I said I'd blog this so here goes. Pingying made this hilarious comment: "I'm allergic to sweat." HAHAHAHA. Made me laugh my ass off.

I hate Spinelli's. For some reason their macchiato was only half a cup full. What the hell? Starbucks' espresso tasted a lot better, too. Rui's whatever weird drink was disgusting too. Rui started doing funny hand movements after a while, as always, and as always, it was very amusing.

Met Simon and his friend Justin after that. Justin is like, the biggest food fanatic ever. No wonder Simon's friends with him. Interesting guy. I had a nice time. We had dinner at Glutton's Bay which shot my throat to a whole new level of hell because there was chilli and pan-fried stuff and yeurgghhh I'm coughing my lungs out, dammit. Had a good time.

So what I really wanted to do today was to sit in a bar by myself and have a drink. I mean, hanging out with friends and meeting new people were all swell activities, but I've always wanted to do the 'sit in a bar alone, all emo and shit, having a drink, contemplating life' thing. And I thought today was a rather good day 'cause it's a Friday and I had no laptop and I was in town area and everything, and I was at the Esplanade and there was this place called Harry's there which of course I've never heard of let alone been into, and just outside the Esplanade is a bus stop from which I take my bus home. It's a good place for bus-taking 'cause the bus is always empty which means I'll always get a seat, and I always sit at the same spot, for some odd reason. Anyway, my point is, today felt like a good day for me to strike that sit alone in bar and drink thingy off my checklist of Things to do Before I Die.

But remember what I said earlier about how life doesn't allow me to self-destruct in whatever degrees? Well, here's another perfect illustration of the clicking of the machine: I only had ten dollars with me. What the hell can you get with ten dollars? I was too embarrassed to walk into the establishment and ask if I could get anything for ten bucks, including service charge. I'm, like, a total loser. Seriously.

So the drinking was thwarted, much to my dismay. But hey, silver lining and shit, and I noticed that there was a gig going on at the Waterfront area. I walked out, sat down somewhere, saw the Yellow Project Line or whatever shirt on one of the band members, and knew instantly that Khai would be there.

And guess what? She was. I finally got to meet some of the people she hangs out with that she's told me about, and very interestingly, this Jurong Junior senior (junior senior okay nevermind) whom Mel has mentioned a couple of times is friends with her and I never knew that. I sat down next to him and was all, "Are you from Jurong?" Haha. Jurong reunion. How fun. He's a Tim Dore fan, too, so all's good.

The gig was good, despite my indifference towards punk rock. I liked the cover of the Nirvana cover they did. Especially liked the way the heavy riffs and pummeling beats pulsed through you like a second heartbeat. Now I kinda see why Khai is addicted to this; it takes your mind off things, takes you elsewhere, and isn't even remotely as damaging and potentially detrimental as alcohol. I left after the second band did three songs 'cause it was kinda late, my phone was flat and so I couldn't tell my folks that I'd be home slightly later. Was gonna get some alcohol with Khai and Vivian (spelling? The Jurong senior) but decided against it.

Vivian is very nice and easy to talk to. I'm still surprised that he and Khai are friends. I don't know why that is.

Rented Brick at VideoEzy. There was an article published somewhere that compared Brick to Veronica Mars, hence it's a must-watch.

Veronica returns next week. My only reason to come home after school instead of looking for reasons to stay out.

I tried on a pair of size 34 jeans at Mango and I'm very pleased to announce that it didn't fit! Had major difficulty pulling it up my huge-ass hips. Wahoo. I'm not completely anorexic after all.

I need clothes. Bottoms especially. Life sucks.