August 20th, 2007

happy girl

take a look at me now.

I finally got off my lazy ass and transferred Stereophonics' Language. Sex. Violence. Other? into my phone's memory card. Dakota is currently my ringtone. I so love it when my phone rings, because after so many months, I'm still madly and completely in love with that song.

I don't know why the critics hate the band. I think they're fantastic, if only largely because of the utter genius that's Dakota.

I don't know why, too, that I love that song so much; I just do.

Just like many other things, eh? Things that you do without an explanation, things that happen to you for no reason, things you cling on to without any logical basis. But then again, there's no reason in emotion, there's no reason in love. Whatever the hell that means.

I guess the bright side is, today was truly the first time in...since...everything that I could kind of start envisioning myself with other people. Because I'm beginning to weed out the crap notions I had about flings and whatever, the things I thought would enthrall me in the past, and I have a much clearer picture of what I want now. That is, in a relationship. And I can't deny that there have been a couple of temptations in my life over the past few months, that is to say, I've felt the urge to just throw all caution to the wind and jump into something just because it felt good/feels good at that point in time. But when I hold myself back and think about what comes after, the mind is a total blank. It's easy to use a person to distract yourself from your problems, but is it worth sacrificing a friendship over? I don't think so. Especially when it's patently and glaringly obvious that it's completely impossible because it's more or less like attempting to mix oil and water. Diametrically-opposed principles, you know? No point lah, like Chloe would say.

And in some sense I do feel rather bad about...well, things. Okay, I realise that no one has any idea what I'm talking about, but never mind. Anyway, the original point was, I don't think the impossibility that I mentioned a couple of entries back with regard to my love life is so much an impossibility to love; it's an impossibility only to the extent that after the last relationship, my standards have gone up yet again, and I'm even more careful now - or rather, cautious - about who I choose to open up to. Before, I wasn't exactly very open with my emotions and feelings; I wasn't someone who let herself be vulnerable to pain and suffering. I had tripwires, I had walls, and I didn't want to get close to anyone because I didn't want to get hurt, and because I didn't think anyone was worthy enough. And now, in some sense, those qualities that I held on to for dear life have returned, and they have returned with a bang. I'm not even saying anymore that it's necessarily a bad thing, or that I'm damaged or scarred; because I don't think I am. I think I just know how to protect myself better, that's all, how to make better choices, how not to do stupid, impulsive things like I used to in the past (i.e. first two boyfriends), how to consider things properly and carefully before I go into something.

Mel was right that night, you know. She saw that what I'm looking for now isn't a fling, or momentary fun, or random one night stands; she saw and knew that I want commitment, I want stability, I freaking want to get married someday (okay, I don't know how true this is but I think I would look smashing in a wedding dress so maybe we can do the ceremonial thingies and then get divorced after the wedding photos have come out and I can grow old and look back and think, So once upon a time I was really hot. Okay, whatever, forget it, I'm typing rubbish). But the problem with that is that I don't want to just settle for any random person, not even a guy who's totally devoted to me if I can't ever love him. And it'd take a lot for me to get past all the barriers that I have up again, it'd take a lot for the guy to knock everything down, it'd take a lot for me to find the courage to love again.

That sounded so unbelievably cheesy. But it's true. I think it's not my incapacity; it's the kind of material I have to work with. And the ex-boyfriend set the bar super high. So, yeah. A lot of people aren't going to measure up, and that's a fact. And then I have these conditions that need to be fulfilled or else there's no deal. They aren't really that onerous conditions, really; all I'm asking for is that the guy speaks good English, is tall, is smart, and isn't Christian/Catholic/religious. That's all. And, you know, it's pretty tragic because I've met guys that I get along really well with, whose company I really enjoy, but they don't satisfy those conditions. And it's just damn sad, and it's at moments like these that I'm convinced I'm going to remain single forever.

Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

But I've stopped looking. I think I'm largely just really tired and burnt out. And I've also managed to sort out my priorities in the sense that there are things that matter to me a lot more right now than finding a boyfriend. Of course, I don't want to end up in a situation where my PARENTS and RELATIVES are trying to set me up with people and I hope that never happens, but I suppose we'll never know.

But we'll know to some extent, with some degree of certainty, the direction and path our lives and careers would take. More specifically, career. There's no point in fretting over inconsequential matters when there's a lot more at stake than your freaking love life.

Maybe it's just me. I'm not even the most romantic person in this world, so maybe it's just me.

Anyway, all that shit aside. Because who really cares right?

Today's been a very, very, very strenuous and surreal and tiring day. The presentation, what I attempted to handle but ended up messing up afterwards - the combination of the two made me nauseous like hell for the whole day. All I ate until about 5.30 p.m. was a tuna bun my mom got me for breakfast and a slice of honeydew from the canteen. Wasn't very pleasant at all.

The presentation. What can I say? As usual, I thought it was utterly atrocious. As usual, other people (apparently) think otherwise. I have this immense inability to formulate any coherent, intelligent thought whatsoever when I'm standing in front of a group of people who are all expecting me to say intelligent, coherent things to them. The whole time I was up there, I was either reading off the Powerpoint slides, or I was reading off the notes I prepared which I smartly chose not to put on Powerpoint; otherwise, the whole thing would've became a read aloud session.

When Shaun was nicely talking me through my slides over the phone last night, I felt like I had a lot to say. But when it came to really saying them, I just...blank. Complete blank. Why do I believe in judicial review? Because it has worked. Wow, how intelligent. Why do I think we should distrust the government by default? Because the Constitution implies so. And I only managed to say that because it was what I wrote in my notes.

Ugh, I hate myself. I suck, so badly. So imagine my surprise when I talked to my prof during the break and found out that he thought it was decent (I think he said 'good' but I think he was just being nice), and that he couldn't tell at all that the presentation scared the shit out of me. My initial plan was just to ask him about the bell curve problem I mentioned, and finding out that Masters students will be graded on a different curve was a HUGE HUGE HUGE relief. So now all I need to do is to compete with geniuses like Shaun and the Year 4s and the exchange students. Not hard at all, /sarcasm.

Anyway, so my prof said it was decent and then, funnily enough, he said I'm "adorable". HAHAHA! I'm still really tickled when I think about it now. He's really nice. I hope he gave me a decent grade, i.e. a B.

Shaun is REALLY nice too. He was very encouraging throughout the whole thing and kept telling me to chill. Haha. I'm still really, really, really impressed by how much he knows and how intellectual he is, and he speaks really well too.

I'm in the mood for Sentosa, sand, sea and sun. But it's been raining nearly every day. There's a private party at Cafe del Moar or whatever on Thursday...which I've already mentioned. Have I mentioned I'm so tempted to go? Would be fun checking out hot guys. Oh well.

Time for Desperate Housewives.

Before I end, can I just say that I love Mel very much? Because I do. I love Mel very much. Together forever, okay?