August 21st, 2008

Charah coffee

Be who you want to be.

I haven't mentioned David in a while 'cause my attention has been shifted elsewhere, and also because the obsession has, quite honestly, waned tremendously. Still, I check the Livejournal Cookie community from time to time to see what's happening with him (mostly tour stuff which I don't really care enough to check out in great detail) and I came across an update on his MySpace blog which I'm going to reproduce in its entirety, because I can:

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

PROMISES, SCHMROMISES...

So, I promised that I wouldn't really try to process all of this madness until I got an extended break, but something happened today that really made me reflect. Well, I may be getting too generic. A lot of small things have happened lately that correlated into some fresh perspective. Let me explain..

We had a much-needed, much-deserved day off in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, today. I took it as an opportunity to rest myself not only physically, but mentally. The strain of trying to put everything I have into this tour, on top of the scheduling conflicts that inevitably arise from doing a record while on the road, and not to mention the crazy press commitments, have left me, and all the idols, with an almost humorous non-distinct stare as we enter the home stretch of this tour. So, today I did little but stay in bed and walk around. I went with MJ and Chik to go see "Tropic Thunder". I give it 4/5 stars. Tom Cruise was the only part I didn't like about it. Don't know why...

After the movie, we went and grabbed dinner, and then split up upon returning to the hotel. I went out to the beach, and plopped down on a chair to watch the waves and the lightning in the distance. (Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Massive Nuisance Fay) All at once, it hit me full on what has happened to me this last year. I thought about Omaha, and my brother, Andrew, and the Green Mile, and the top 12 red carpet event, and the hotel, and the finale, and this tour. It really became apparent to me at that moment that the tour will be done in about a month, and we'll all, hopefully, go on to amazing careers and lives away from this "Idol Machine" and apart from one another. After a year with these guys, that thought looms ominous and scary.

I bring all this up to make this point: There were times from the beginning of college to the time that I made the show where I truly was unsure of what I was supposed to be doing. I've been a professional musician of some degree since I was 15, but could I ever really "make it"? This last year has allotted me a new inner peace, and I'm more thankful for that than anything else. It's nice to have the title of American Idol, and the privilege of making a major-label record, but more than all of those things, I want to say thank you for the support you guys have shown, but more importantly the understanding you guys have shown to my limitations as I try to meander through this very new lifestyle of actually being acknowledged for doing something I love. I'm giving everything I can to make sure that you guys feel as appreciated as you've made me feel over the last year. Here's to many more.


~D

I'm glad he takes time out to write these entries to share with the fans. I really liked reading his pre-Idol blog entries; he's articulate, he punctuates, spells and capitalises properly, and I've always felt like he has interesting things to tell the world.

This latest blog entry is no exception. It's incredibly telling that he used the word "privilege" in regards to him putting out an album on a major record label. Despite struggling for a few years to make it as a musician, he doesn't feel entitled to anything. I find that kind of humility, lack of bitterness, lack of any sense of entitlement, so elusive sometimes, especially when it comes to my own personal life. More importantly, it's a huge relief to know that he, like everyone else, had doubts about the direction in which his life was heading, and despite that, he knew what he loved and he went after it.

You know, I admired David Cook for a lot of reasons: his musicality, his intelligence, the lyrics he wrote; but the one thing about him that truly touched me where it matters is how he had the courage to pursue his dreams. Increasingly I'm beginning to understand how important that is, to do what you want to do and not what you think you should do or what you're expected to do. We don't get a do-over button and when time is done messing with you, it's all over. The end.

Pretty humbling, isn't it?

***

On another note, I MUST write about the Greece/Argentina basketball match. It was so utterly heartbreaking, precisely because I was on Team Greece.

The entire match was so closely and tightly-fought that it was literally anyone's game throughout the whole thing. Greece started the first half leading Argentina by a few points, their biggest lead being five; then the second half started and Greece started committing about ten million turnovers, errors which turned out to be costly - and that's putting it mildly. Argentina then scored their biggest lead and the biggest lead by either team in the match, a whopping seven points (okay, it's not exactly whopping in the context of USA v Rest of the World matches, but for the Greece/Argentina match, it was A LOT). At that point I thought, Greece is fucked. There is no hope.

But I was so, so wrong. Greece fought damn hard for their right to lead again and a couple of three-pointers later, they tied the game! And so the rest of the match went: Argentina widened the gap by two points, Greece brought it back to a tie...until Ginobili, whom I usually liked but definitely not last night, scored a lay-up for Argentina with about FIFTY SECONDS TO GO, thereby bringing Argentina up to a FIVE-POINT LEAD.

Oh my freaking god I almost died I swear. Greece needed a couple of three's to win, and so when the ball was in play again they made a three-pointer, bringing the score to 78-80. Ginobili attempted a three and missed, Greece grabbed the rebound, and the clock was down to like, NINE SECONDS. They ran to the other side of the court and attempted a three-pointer with about FIVE SECONDS left in the game...AND MISSED. Argentina grabbed the rebound as if their lives depended on it (their lives did) and held on to it all the way until the buzzer sounded, signalling the end of the game.

Argentina 80, Greece 78.

TWO. FUCKING. POINTS. Tell me how I was supposed to not feel sad? If I were actually Greek, I'd be devastated.

But you know, simultaneously I'd feel damn proud of my team (that is, if I were Greek) for playing such a good game and putting up such a tough fight against Argentina, who won a gold medal in Athens. My brother thought it was a foregone conclusion that Argentina was gonna win, but the quality of basketball that Greece played ensured that it wasn't going to be an easy victory for Argentina. In fact, at so many points in the game Greece had a really chance of winning.

They came so close. It was all the turnovers in the second half that did them in. During the first half, the rate of turnovers was something like Argentina 9 and Greece 1. The two teams were pretty evenly-matched, but Argentina had Manu Ginobili. He scored three consecutive three-pointers in the first quarter that pretty much ensured that Greece wasn't going to lead by more than five, if they were going to lead at all. This other guy from Argentina, Delfino I think (I'm convinced he's gay; his eyebrows are fucking SCULPTED), also scored a lot of three-pointers and he was startlingly accurate from the corners.

At one point an Argentinian committed a foul against Greece's #14 who is built like the Lakers' Shaquille O'Neal but bigger, and much like O'Neal, he completely sucked at free throws. He bombed BOTH free throws which I'm sure will be haunting him for quite some time. Some Greek guy also apparently missed a dunk (MISSED A DUNK) which I missed 'cause I was busy watching the two guys that fell down at mid-court.

It pains me to think of what could have been. Greece was the only basketball team that I actually supported and now they're out of the competition. The teams/athletes I support in competitive sports NEVER win anything. It's utterly tragic.

Well, if anything, that match was the most exciting basketball match I've watched in the Olympics so far, and I think it will remain the most exciting. USA faces Argentina next which means Argentina will have to settle for a bronze (if they manage to defeat Australia. I'm predicting that Lithuania will beat Australia in the semi's and face USA in the finals), and the gold medal match is almost guaranteed to be, once again, unevenly-matched. I was monitoring the results of the USA/Australia match in class last night and the firs quarter actually ended in 25-24 to the USA. I got so excited that I spent the rest of the class glued to the live result page on the official website, but the third quarter saw the USA leading by more than twenty, as usual, so I didn't give a shit anymore.

I was half-hoping that Australia would pull a major - SHOCKING - upset and beat the USA, but alas, that was not to be. All hopes now lie with Argentina but I'm telling you now that it's not going to happen. Ginobili is amazing, but he's one Ginobili against the entire United States basketball team that consists of so many star and quality players that it won't even matter if Lebron James and Kobe Bryant both didn't play. Seriously. Having the two of them ensures the US of a twenty-point difference victory, but without them they still will obliterate the competition.

Bleah, how totally unexciting. I'm still going to watch the last few matches anyway.

Okay time for lunch!

Charah coffee

A true clean slate.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

My Detailed Results:
Physical Touch:10
Quality Time:8
Acts of Service:6
Words of Affirmation:5
Receiving Gifts:1

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

***

I'm pleased to announce that, after nearly a year of getting my licence, I highly suspect that I chalked up my first speeding ticket - or any sort of ticket, for that matter - today. I took the usual route to school, that long road opposite Courts whose name currently eludes me. There are a couple of overhead bridges along the way and my mom has told me before that sometimes there would be traffic police (or companies that the traffic police has outsourced the task to) standing at the overhead bridges with cameras, catching drivers that drive above the speed limit.

The speed limit is 70 km/h. The lane I was driving in was completely clear. I swear, there were NO CARS, and since I'm a very impatient person who likes driving fast, I was cruising down happily at 80 km/h or so...until I reached the second overhead bridge and saw some guy in uniform standing there with a camera-like equipment in front of him.

Oh. Shit.

I've been driving on and off for a year. I take that route to school everyday. When I first started driving I'd check the overhead bridges for such individuals before speeding, but lately I think I got complacent due to the fact that I'd never been fined before so what the hell, I'll just slack on the vigilance and drive as fast as I like, as fast as traffic conditions allow.

Did I mention my lane was completely clear? And that I cannot stand driving below, like, 60 km/h, and that's a very optimistic estimate? Did you know that I get this urge to tailgate slow drivers but I never give in to it because I still maintain a pretty safe following distance?

And since we're on the subject of driving, my one-year licence anniversary is coming up (September 10) and I think it's quite sad that I still don't really feel comfortable driving people around. I love driving, but if I'm going out with friends, I'd prefer not to drive. Not because I'm cheapskate and don't want to expend the necessary petrol needed to send them home, but because the thought of driving other people around still makes me nervous. When I'm driving by myself, I have only myself to answer to. Cue, therefore, really shitty driving in the form of driving damn fast before a turn and braking really hard a few seconds before I turn, and just braking really hard in general. If I were a passenger in my own car, I swear I'd get motion sickness.

So, yeah, I'm a pretty shitty driver and I fear for the lives of my passenger which makes me nervous which makes me an even worse driver, so don't feel offended if I don't offer to drive you home. It's just my general discomfort with driving other people, which I'm trying to get over (case in point: I sent Chloe home last week. BOOYAH!). And if I do offer to drive you home, you're either really special to me, or I'm just feeling extraordinarily nice that day.

***

On a completely different note, Tingren's post about her love language or whatever results kind of got me thinking.

I've been single ever since the last relationship ended early last year. During this time I have liked maybe two persons, neither of whom I was seriously interested in. I couldn't see myself being together with one of them, and my interest for the other person was purely just a crush. It felt really good to feel excited about seeing someone again, the same kind of feeling that I used to get when I was way younger, less experienced, less jaded. You know, schoolgirl crushes, basically.

But neither scenarios had any chance of working out at all and simultaneously, I didn't want anything to happen. At first it was quite obvious that I was obviously rebounding and no matter how needy I felt, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was quite possibly the worst time ever to confess my undying love for a guy. Then as time went by, I didn't care about whatever happened anymore, I was completely out of the rebounding/needy zone, and I was just really happy with my own company and with being by myself. Being Super Single, basically.

Then the crush happened and I was all, OMGZ!!!!11!1 I ACTUALLY LIKE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON TV!!11!1! That was pretty much all I wanted, really. I didn't want to pursue anything with the person in question for a host of reasons, but for the purpose of this entry, I just didn't feel the need to do so. I didn't feel the need to be with anyone, to answer to anyone and to need anyone. Maybe tied up in this concept is also an unwillingness, perhaps subconscious, to go back to a position where I found myself needing someone else. I don't like being vulnerable or needy and I sure as hell don't like exposing my vulnerability to other people.

So I got the only thing I needed out of the crush: it answered two questions for me once and for all, and I haven't turned back since. I am quite literally unencumbered now: no more emotional entanglements, proverbial tears over spilled milk, longings for the past and what-could-have-been's. I'm not rebounding because there is nothing to rebound from, and for the first time in a really, really long time, I truly feel like I have an emotional blank slate from which to start all over again.

How totally awesome, right? If anyone had told me this last year (and in fact, many people did), I wouldn't have believed him/her. Funny how things that were once of life and death importance to you simply diminish in significance until they dissipate into nothingness. They become just a chapter of your life along with all the others, and when there's no need or reason to flip back to it, you simply let it exist. It's just there - not because you necessarily want it to be there, but because there's quite literally nothing you can do to obliterate its existence.

Besides, I don't think I really want to. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was absolutely spot-on when it said that the only way to move on isn't to forget the person, but to remember him or her or whatever. Eternal Sunshine was also the first film I ever watched that I completely understood so I think it goes to show how deeply-entrenched that principle is in my...I dunno, life philosophy or whatever.

Anyway, I think I've felt this for a while now but I didn't really think about it until I read Tingren's post. So here goes: OMGZ I FEEL SO FREE.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Having said that though, I do get what it feels like not wanting to need anyone or to be needed by anyone. I can't go the distance of saying that I want either (though admittedly, the latter would definitely give me a huge-ass ego boost and I'd rather be needed than to need, thanks) but I think there will come a point when all your past hurt and heartbreaks simply stop signifying anything. "It is a tale, told by an idiot - full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." (Macbeth, I forgot whose soliloquy - at least I think it was a soliloquy - it was, I think it was from Act 5 Scene 2.) And when that time comes, you won't feel so repulsed by the idea of needing/being needed anymore.

I'm not saying that I'd fall all over myself to put myself back into that position again, because I won't. All I'm saying is that it's not an impossibility anymore the way I thought it was an impossibility, like, way back when. I've always thought it was so cliche, what I'm about to say, but it's really true that when you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up, because there's no way you can sink any lower than the lowest point of your life.

Of course, the trick lies in identifying that lowest point and it seems to always change but these "lowest points" (forgive the contradiction) don't happen simultaneously. And I don't really know what I'm saying anymore so hopefully this entry made some sense at the very least.

***

On another but peripherally related note, I meant to write about this sometime back but kind of forgot. Early this month I received an SMS from my JC boyfriend at like, 2 in the morning, wishing me happy birthday. He apologised for the extremely belated birthday greeting and said that he was overseas or something.

That didn't surprise me; he's made it a point to SMS me once a year ever since JC ended. What did surprise me was his usage of the nickname he had for me when we were together, and even before we got together ('cause, you know, we were friends before). It was weird, but in a strangely endearing sort of way. And I, in a rare burst of good will, answered with a 'thanks' and also used the nickname I had for him, way back when. (At least, I think it was my nickname for him. My memory might've failed me.)

Then I started wondering when I'd ever get around to apologising to him in person for the way I treated him after we broke up, and if I do get around to doing that, if we'd ever talk normally or be friends again. Before the whole mess, we were really good friends and I really enjoyed his company. During the whole mess, I was way too emotionally inept and just fucked up, period, to deal with it the way I should have dealt with it, the way I would deal with it now. And the most amazing thing about him is that he never held it against me, the cruel and insensitive way in which I treated him. I don't wanna go into details 'cause I'm really not proud of it at all, so suffice it to say that if I were in his shoes, I would totally hate my guts; there are just some things that I can't forgive.

Apparently, he's way more magnanimous and forgiving than I am. Perhaps if I made the effort to be friendly, a renewed friendship could be established. I don't know. The thing is, I don't know if I can do it. I have absolutely nothing against him and theoretically I'd love to be friends, but the idea is just so weird and strange and foreign to me. Maybe I'm more conservative than I thought, but the idea of being friends with a guy you used to call your boyfriend, a guy whose hand you used to hold, doesn't really make a lot of sense and it makes me feel unsettled and uncomfortable. It would entail talking about the past and joking about the past and I just don't see how I can ever do that. Even saying things like "the nickname he had for me when we were together" made me feel weird.

Is this normal? Then again, I don't consider myself a very emotionally normal person, most unfortunately. So I guess if anyone wants to end their friendship with me, the most definite way of doing so is to date me and then break up with me (or vice versa). Um, should I even be joking about this?

In any case, I didn't do anything to lay the foundations of a possible friendship and I doubt I'd ever do anything. I'm just not the kind of person to stay friends with an ex, even one like my JC ex towards whom I feel no animosity and vice versa. I think on some pragmatic level I don't really see the point. We try to keep so many friends but we only truly spend time with a select few and chances are, I won't have time for him anyway. Besides, what would we talk about? I haven't spoken or seen him in literally years. After the requisite catching up has been done, what then? I don't know.

***

Shit, I don't want to pay my impending speeding fine. I tried to pout my way out of it when I was telling my mom the incident and I think it worked, a bit. We'll see what happens if/when I get the letter from LTA. Hopefully I didn't get caught. HOPEFULLY.

My mom was all, "You have to take responsibility for your own actions!"

Okay, so theoretically I'm on board with that idea and I think we should have the balls to bear the consequences of our actions; but realistically, I don't wanna pay the damn fine. And I know my parents will pay for me. And I want to take advantage of that because I'd rather spend my money - which I don't even have a lot of - on clothes, thank you very much.

I am SUCH an unapologetic spoiled brat, I swear.

So it all goes back to: HOPEFULLY I DIDN'T GET CAUGHT.

Fuck man, the stupid lane was CLEAR, dammit!