November 14th, 2009

Charah coffee

Tired of being sorry, again.

Wanna know what's REALLY bad about having irregular period? You never know when you're PMSing like crazy.

Getting my period today means that my weird-ass meltdown in my car on Wednesday was me PMSing. It means that all of Thursday was me PMSing. Maybe my PMS lasts a week, I don't even know. But I do get it. And when I'm overly emotional, I tend to suspect I'm PMSing, but I don't know for sure because my period is so irregular that I've never bothered keeping track of when it'll come, and thus I only know for sure when it comes.

As you can see, Wei Chuen and I have been fighting like a thunderstorm the past few days. It's our biggest fight ever. I think it's an accumulation of smaller things from previous times (drowsy from cough medicine; English fail at the mo), my failure at explaining what it is that I was upset about, and resultingly, his misunderstanding me.

It's a long story. Actually, it's not. I just don't want to go into the details.

And I'm really tired. And I miss the way things were. Maybe I just need to learn that guys are all obtuse, no matter how great a boyfriend they are. Mag and Chloe are right. My dad proved it last night anyway, when I asked him if he'd do something which Wei Chuen didn't do which I got upset over and my dad was all, "It wouldn't even cross my mind."

See? Men are just like that. And I'm obsessive and nitpicky, and because I'm obsessive I think about things a lot more. I'm also an inherently negative person, so I think about the negative things, probably the wrong things. And these things just add up, until the smallest thing gets blown out of proportion. And when my needs are not addressed in a swift and timely fashion, because I also happen to be an impatient person, it gets even worse.

I'm not good at waiting. When I want something, I want it now. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. And so when something I want takes forever to be given to me, I start wondering if you're sincere, then I start wondering if I mean that much to you.

And of course, the flip side of the coin is, maybe this is just who you are. You're a turtle. You're slow. You do things at your own time and you don't like to be hurried. I get it - or at least, I want to get it. Truth is, I don't. And so my conclusion is this: We just don't know each other enough yet. And there's nothing wrong with that because it's been four months and then some, not four years.

My mom said that my dad is super dense and oblivious; never gets her flowers no matter how many times she hinted that she likes flowers. But my dad is also loyal and faithful and honest and kind.

That pretty much describes Wei Chuen. Maybe I'm not as reasonable as I thought I was. I definitely am exactly as self-centred as I knew I was.

But still, you don't just take back a "let's break up" without an apology. The wounds from those SMSes aren't going to heal just because I'm saying that I'm sorry. It makes me scared to tell you negative things, in case you want to break up with me again. And throughout all our fights I've never once suggested we broke up, because I'd make sure I mean it first before I said it.

And then this stress thing. Truth is, I've failed completey at understanding because I really honestly don't get it. I don't get stressed out very much, if at all. I'm not stressed at all that I haven't studied for the bar exams. I wasn't stressed out over the 2-1 even though I wanted it. I wasn't stressed much in my first month of pupillage. The last I really felt stress or pressure was the A Levels, due to how much of myself I invested in my results, how I pegged my self-worth to the number of A's I got. Did I panic when it was two, three days before a deadline and I hadn't started on a paper? Sure I did. But I didn't get stressed out because I knew I'd finish it, and I knew that my first draft would at least be decent. Didn't get stressed out much before Year 1 and 2 exams, mostly because I didn't care. Good things just happen to me and I take them, but I don't get stressed out in the process because I don't care that much, and because I know they will happen. Just like I know I will pass my exams, nevermind that I currently don't know how.

Perhaps it's true that I'm overly-confident, that I over-estimate my own abilities; but whatever the case, I don't get stressed out. Therefore, I haven't been understanding at all.

Okay I seriously need to sleep and I don't really know why I just typed all that, let alone who I'm really talking to, so let's just move on.

*

Parents left for Beijing for the week and I'm actually sad that they're not around. This is very much unexpected.

Wei Chuen said the other day that I wouldn't be able to just pack up my life here and leave for good, just like that, because I wouldn't be able to leave my family behind.

I suppose he was right. At that time I still wondered if it was true; but now, I think he was right.

Oh wait, who am I kidding? I know he was right.

*

In tennis news, bleeding Jo-Wilfried Tsonga totally did NOT take out Rafael Nadal. I AM VERY DISPLEASED. He better not reach the final. The gap between him and Roger CANNOT close please, thanks.

UGH WHY DID ROGER LOSE TO FREAKING STUPID JULIEN BENNETEAU WHO WENT ON TO LOSE IN THE NEXT ROUND. SERIOUSLY.

Okay, I was touched when I saw how hard Benneteau cried after he beat Roger. I saw the last bit of the match (didn't watch it obviously; never watch matches he lost unless I'm watching it live, which is why I prefer to watch matches live. Gives me more Roger. Roger Losing is better than No Roger) when they played it before Benneteau/Monfils, and the dude was SOBBING. He'd never taken a set off Roger prior to this match, and he won, and he was SOBBING. So yeah I was touched. Whatever, HE STILL SUCKS. If you're gonna take out the GOAT himself you better make sure you win the tournament, but did he? Noooooo. Lost to MONFILS. Ugh.

Okay gonna play tennis in the morning and have to wake up even earlier to make own breakfast so have to post this now.

Charah coffee

WTF IS THIS FUCKERY.

CAN THE PLAINTIFF, WITH HER PERSONALITY, BE REASONABLY EXPECTED TO LIVE WITH THE DEFENDANT?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN "REASONABLE"?

I AM SO SICK OF THIS STUPID OVER-USED AND OFTEN-MEANINGLESS WORD IN LAW.

IT ANNOYS ME THAT THERE WOULD EVER EXIST A SITUATION IN WHICH A TOTAL STRANGER WOULD SIT IN JUDGMENT OF SOMEONE'S GRIEVANCES OVER HER MARRIAGE AND THEN PRONOUNCE HER GRIEVANCES "UNREASONABLE". IS THERE REALLY AN OBJECTIVE TEST WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS OF THE HEART?

TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE. TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE. LET'S SEE HOW YOU TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE CRYING OVER A BROKEN MARRIAGE.

I'M SO GLAD I DIDN'T TAKE FAMILY LAW IN SCHOOL. THIS IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

Charah coffee

Yes, I'm bored.

Okay something funny:

Last night at the airport, my brother and I were with our parents who were throwing a hissy fit over the seats that they were assigned. It was a Very Serious Moment.

Out of nowhere, this big lady wearing this garish-looking tie-dyed slouchy dress lumbered up behind us. She was talking damn loudly on the phone. She said, and I quote, "Hello? Wo zai da bian. 20 fen zhong hou da gei ni!"

(Translation: "Hello? I'm shitting now. I'll call you back in 20 minutes!")

Brother and I cracked up. As in, CRACKED UP.

WTF, wo zai da bian? Putting aside the fact that she was clearly not, even if she were, who the hell announces such things to the poor unsuspecting soul on the other line? Damn gross. DAMN GROSS.

Charah coffee

-

Was feeling down en route to buying dinner and thought, "Oh there's tennis later!" and felt considerably cheered, then came home to find out tennis has been pre-empted for...World Cup qualifier.

Er, really?

I fucking hate football right now.

Because I'm feeling lonely and sad and down and depressed and there's no tennis on TV to cheer me up because football is apparently more important. It's the semi-final and somehow the qualifying stages of the bloody world cup are more important.

I don't understand this.

I feel like shit.
Charah coffee

Bad mood.

Possibly the first time in a long time that I don't feel like eating anything post-tennis. I'm still sick but that's not really it.

I lose my appetite when I'm upset over something.

Anyway, tennis was okayish. It was challenging playing with phlegm (looks like it's spelled wrong) stuck in your throat which refuses to come out, and it rained after a while, so that wasn't too good.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I miss my parents AND I DON'T WANT TO DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY and I pissed myself off tremendously trying to buy lunch home for my brother and me just now. All the damn car parks were full. Fuck, it was so irritating.

I don't feel like eating.

I'm fucking tired. I slept 5 hours. And there's this stupid exam thing. And I'm back to feeling like I have fuck-all to look forward to.

Oh, and the previous entry sucks balls.

My neck hurts my legs hurt I don't want to do anything I just want to lie in bed all day long and DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.