January 6th, 2011

LoVe

A funeral.

It's almost true that I question my relationship every day (just so I know I'm still in this for the right reasons), and thus sometimes I wonder if it's got so comfortable that the spark and the possessiveness have kind of been drowned out by the ease, the familiarity, the comfort. In the same vein, I also wonder if the fact that I'm not jealous of his ex-girlfriends as much as I used to be means that I don't care as much too. The reason I pondered all this is because towards the end of last year, when I was literally working on weekdays and doing little else, much less spending time with him, I was quite happy that I had a boyfriend who didn't whine to me about not seeing enough of me, who didn't clamour for attention all the time.

Of course, I had no choice but to wonder if that was because his feelings towards me had waned; but I've moved on since then.

The point I'm trying to make is that I question my relationship almost every day - I think about it when I'm walking to lunch, when I'm bored of whatever it is I'm doing at work, when I'm showering, when I'm on the goddamn MRT. Sometimes I wonder if I'm falling out of love without realising it, only to be caught red-handed when I'm thinking about something cute he did and smiling to myself, and then feeling as if my heart was full and swollen when I see him in my mind's eye.

And tonight, randomly chancing upon an old blog of his that I didn't know about in JC (I knew about his other one - I used to read that in JC or post-JC, I can't remember) and reading the things he wrote about/to his ex-girlfriend, I initially thought it wouldn't bother me. But then, it did. And then it bothered me enough to almost make me cry and I had to make myself stop and close the tab.

It obviously doesn't matter anymore. But because I'm a girl, and all women are irrational by nature, I was sad that he didn't say all those things about me (the counter-argument is that he's said a lot of other things, and that he's broken up with her already. Duh). On a less selfish level, his entries revealed a surprising amount of idealism and blind, hopeful devotion. I know he's devoted to me, but I also know his past experiences have - I won't say 'scarred', exactly - changed him, shaped him, made him who he is today.

Therefore, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to date the idealistic boy hoping unconditionally and unguardedly for a stab at lasting happiness with the girl that he loves.

After the initial irrational reaction has passed, I think that's the thing that makes me sad.