Random thought that I've had for a while: I'm really curious as to how people who don't play tennis are able to watch tennis with the kind of passion that they feel. Okay, maybe their passion is directed at a particular player (i.e. Roger Federer; I only talk to Federer fans. Duh. I'm irrational as hell when it comes to him) but I still don't really understand why people follow a sport, or sports, closely when they don't play it. In the context of tennis, how would you understand the difficulty of what the pros do day in and day out unless you've actually experienced how difficult it is to just play tennis, let alone sustain a 25-shot rally at full power and energy and strength and speed, let alone eke out some crazy defensive slice winner from some acute angle?
This really puzzles me. There's this hardcore Roger fan on his official forum who's been following him for years, who knows the most obscure Federer trivia, who's always posting pictures after a match, who knows what he wore in a random tournament in a random year, but she's never played tennis. How do you do this? I'm pretty sure my interest in tennis would have waned if it weren't for the fact that I actually picked it up.
Then again, I think I prefer to put it this way: I can't imagine obsessively following Roger/tennis (one and the same, really) and not want to at least try to pick up the sport. I'm not an athletic person by any stretch of the imagination; even then, when I was obsessed with Slam Dunk, I tried playing basketball. I failed miserably and was never as dedicated to it as I am to tennis, but I still tried anyway.
I don't know what my point is. I don't think there is a point. It's just something I wondered about.
Since I'm on the subject of playing tennis, though, I think I'm slowly and finally picking up the backhand slice. Today I spent the last half an hour my tennis session hitting slices after slices. At first it started out disastrous - I did what I always did, which was some weird shit that's totally wrong. After a while, I started thinking about the motion before I tried to hit the ball; a while after that, I started visualising Roger hitting a backhand slice.
It was really helpful. The great part is that I know what I'm supposed to do now, and what a proper slice shot is supposed to feel like, and what it sounds like. The hard part is remembering it and doing it often enough that I'm able to do it without needing to think hard about it.
But it's really fun. Tennis makes me ridiculously happy. I genuinely feel at peace and free when I'm on a tennis court, in sharp contrast to how I feel on other days of the week.
Using the above as a point of departure: This entry is entitled "moving on" because I am quitting my job.
It's a long time coming. It wasn't a difficult decision at all, but I did struggle with it a little, wondering if it's too soon, if I shouldn't just stick it out a few more months, if I should leave at all. But talking to Wei Chuen definitely made up my mind for me - he said there is no point in going down this path if I already know that this is not what I want to do. It's a waste of time, and I can't turn back the clock, and I don't want to waste anymore time.
I know in my heart, in my fucking mind, that this is absolutely the right decision. I feel so much lighter just thinking about submitting my resignation letter, serving notice, and finally, finally leaving all this unhappiness behind. There's nothing about this job, this fucking profession, that is right for me. There's not a single bone in my body that can be bothered with petty disputes, trying to trip up your opponents, exploiting every weakness in your opponent's conduct of his client's case. I know this is what litigation is about. That is why I don't want to do it.
I really took a gamble when I accepted this job. I didn't want to do any civil litigation because it bores me and does not engage me at all, but I did want to do criminal. I thought I would feel passionately enough about getting people out of trouble that I would maybe enjoy the process...but I don't think it meant to me as much as I hoped it would. I can't help but wonder if it would still be the case if I went somewhere that allowed me to do pure crime, and real crime too (drugs, rape, murder); but seriously, the entire ordeal of 2010 in which I was tortured by the legal profession has definitely shut me off to wanting to "try" at yet another law firm.
Being around lawyers for so long also made me question whether I would be happy to have that kind of life. Wait, what am I saying? There isn't much of a life to be had. My boss said that I shouldn't care about my social life; but that's not even remotely what it's about. Until I find a job that I'm passionate about, I'm simply not willing to give up the things that I love for a thing that I can barely tolerate. I want to write. I want to play tennis. Yes, I want to go out with my friends and, obviously, spend more time with my boyfriend. I'm not going to apologise for that. I'm not going to bow down to some job that makes it almost mandatory for me to give all of that up for a questionable end, one which I really have no interest in reaching.
Not to mention - I really, genuinely, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, think that lawyers are a bunch of insufferable, self-important pricks. The biggest contributing factor to this incredible phenomenon of lawyers thinking they're the saviour of the human race and no other profession is as awesome and important as the legal one is undoubtedly this fucking retarded time cost shit. See, I don't give a shit how much you bill an hour, because it doesn't make you a better, or more important, person than the guy that cleans up after you at McDonalds'. Who gives a flying shit? Who gives a shit when the work that you do is ultimately meaningless?
I think academia is probably the best career option for me. I just can't see myself working in some private profit-driven firm or company, because I've discovered that there's nothing about working for profit, for someone else other than myself, that interests me. I'm just not equipped to care that my client got screwed over by its customer and now wants to sue the customer for some debt owing to the client. Maybe I'm just an effing stupid girl choking on her own grandiose that's worse than the self-importance that afflicts all lawyers the whole world over; but I honestly believe that I'm meant for greater, more important things than that.
Above all else, I don't want to settle for this life - this steady progression, utterly predictable, stay in here long enough and you'll become a partner, even though you're utterly unethical and dishonest, or you're just plain stupid with no real skills to speak of. I can have a great career here if I wanted it, and the money would be pretty fantastic and stable.
But I want more. I want so much more. The thought of this being the rest of my life makes me feel like I can't breathe. I've gone along this comfortable path because it's what everyone else is doing for so long that I honestly cannot remember when was the last time I made a decision that was truly my own. Taking the bar exams, getting called, working in a law firm - I know I said I wanted to quit only after I'd tried, so that I'd be sure; but I was already sure in the first year of law school.
I don't regret wasting the past 6, 7 months though, because I know now that I won't be tempted to remain here. I don't know for sure what I'm going to do; but this general uncertainty in the face of all the options in the whole fucking WORLD opened to me sure as hell beats the living shit out of the misery and unhappiness I've been feeling for the past one year.
In conclusion, I'm tendering my resignation either on 21 January 2011 or 24 January 2011, depending when my salary is deposited into my bank account. And you know what? I really can't fucking wait.
I had dinner with Yuenmei and Peixuan on Wednesday. It was just so nice talking to them, people I knew from JC, the best time of my life. Talking to Yuenmei was especially helpful; she gave me hope that my sense of despondence towards work is not shared by one who enjoys what she is employed to do.
(This entry will become public after I tender my resignation.)