February 5th, 2013

happy girl

(no subject)

This comment on my LSE Library check-in, with the accompanying status update that read "Omg I'm so sick of studying", made me laugh to myself when I read it on the bus:


W* Z* I think I saw you outside the library just now but I am not sure...as the one I saw was with angry face...


I am frequently told that I look fierce when I don't smile. This means that my default expression is pretty much an angry one - which rather fits with my personality, if you ask me. What can I do about that though? I'm not gonna go around with a smile on my face 24/7 like a lunatic; not to mention, if this means that more weirdoes are deterred from being weird, then even better. It's not as if there aren't enough weirdoes in London to begin with.

*

I had an utterly unproductive weekend and Monday. Fuck, I am beginning to lose focus again. This is not good. I was gonna finish this Palestinian terrorism article that I started reading in the library which I stopped reading one-thirds in because I was hungry and wanted to have dinner, but now I'm too tired. What did I do the whole night then? I don't even fucking know. I had dinner and watched the latest episode of Person of Interest (which MADE ME CRY OMG - Reese and Finch!!!! <3 <3 <3), then I replied to some messages on Facebook, then I washed some bras and did the dishes, and then I spent some time typing this long email to the LLM Committee president containing my grievances regarding my LSE experience so far...oh, and then I read this superb piece on the New Yorker about this woman that shot her Ph.D. colleagues when her request for tenure was rejected. I don't usually read articles that are so long because it takes up so much time, but this one was so absorbing that I had to finish it. I feel so sorry for the parents, more than the woman herself. I can't imagine being in their shoes and going through the tragedy of the son's death (shot by the woman 26 years ago - parents claimed that it was an accident and case was closed as such, but recently re-opened for what appeared to be politically-motivated reasons) and then, 26 years later, the tragedy of the daughter's murders. No one deserves such a fate.

*

I'm yawning my face off. This is a sign that I have to go to bed.
Charah coffee

(no subject)

Thoughts after meeting my international human rights law tutor (which may or may not be relevant to what I'm going to say):

Being ambitious + being afflicted with chronic laziness = worst combination ever.

If I were unambitious and lazy, I wouldn't have thoughts about achieving difficult things - which means that I would be happy being mediocre...which is a state that many people are in and it seems to work for them, so it may not be a bad state to be in.

If I were ambitious AND hardworking, I would obviously have a higher chance of realising my ambitions which would likely not make me feel bad about myself - also not a bad state to be in.

Alas, I am ambitious and lazy as fuck. This means that it's gonna take a lot of mental effort on my part to rise to the occasion and overcome my inherent personality defect. But it has to be done - I'm fucking tired of being mediocre because it makes me deeply unhappy. We should all start going after our own happiness at some point; for me, at least for now, this is it. There are no alternatives or escape routes and there is no Plan B. I don't care what comes after this, if it doesn't eventually get me anywhere; I want it for its own sake, as a vanity project, some sort of vague self-validation.

Whatever. It has to happen. There is no other way.

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