March 20th, 2013

happy girl

(no subject)

It is extremely demoralising when you are this close to getting what you want but which remains elusive by the thinnest of margins; it is also extremely shattering when your efforts do not translate into results in the way that you had hoped.

I am going through some emotional turbulence at the moment, and I decided to rip off the Band-Aid regarding my abortion essay and just get the pain done and over with. The absolute disappointment that hit me when I saw what I got, coupled with the aforementioned emotional turbulence, was simply too much for me to take. I sat in Pret with coffee that did not make me feel better and I fought back tears. I wanted to skip my meeting with my Jurisprudence professor; I wanted to skip my lecture; I wanted to skip my tutorial. I wanted to drop out of my programme. I wanted to find a hole somewhere and disappear into it forever.

My day was a haze. I alternated between self-hatred and depression. I fulfilled all my obligations and the only one that amounted to anything positive or useful was my meeting with my Jurisprudence professor. When my obligations in school ended at 5pm, I felt lost, not knowing where to go, not feeling like coming back to my room but having no choice because it was too cold to go anywhere else.

I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. It is an utter joke, the gap between my expectations and reality. I don't know why this is. At the same time, I keep getting distracted by absolutely pointless things and keep getting tripped up by my utterly ill discipline, my lack of work ethics, and possibly my intellectual limitations. Perhaps I need to wake up and stop chasing the impossible...

But accepting failure is simply not an option for me. It is not a reality that I can live with. Perhaps I have finally found the root cause of my chronic unhappiness.

*

On a more positive note, my meeting with my Jurisprudence professor went amazingly well. Contrary to what I had feared, she did not laugh me out of her office; quite the opposite. I am still quite shocked that she actually liked all of my ideas, but rejected the morality one outright because it was simply too massive a task to tackle the meta-physical question that she formulated for me based on my scattered ramblings. She really liked the Satanic Verses/Habermas/free speech/religion one, but seemed to think that I should write about either religion in the public sphere or artistic expression in the public sphere, but not both. I think the crux of what I want to do is a mix of both, but more of the latter that touches on issues of the former when the latter offences the religious sensibilities of a group of people in a plural society.

She liked the torture/Kant one too and actually formulated off the top of her head the entire structure of the essay for me. I was really intrigued by her idea of applying not just Kant's moral philosophy to the issue, but his legal philosophy as well. The moral question is pretty cut-and-dry at this point: you can't use people as means, and therefore you can't torture a person to get information out of him (something like that; I'm missing an intermediate step but I'm too lazy to articulate it now). The legal question, however, is rather more interesting and less obvious; and it's so much less obvious that I know too little about it to write about it now.

In any event, she suggested that I did the public sphere one, so I'm going to do a draft bibliography on Friday or something to see if it's viable. I totally appreciate that she's going to help me with my sources; I am quite clueless when it comes to these things. At least for Theory of Human Rights, I know some of the commonly-cited philosophers/theorists like Dworkin, Waldron and Griffin, so I have an idea of where to start. This Jurisprudence essay, on the other hand, is like being stranded in the middle of the ocean - I have the ability to swim, but I have no idea which way to swim to.

Anyway, I'm glad that's settled for now.

Unfortunately, I did not finish any of the readings for the classes this week. I gave up on the Forst article at 10 past 5 yesterday and went to shower and get ready for the LLM Annual Dinner at Lincoln's Inn; I plan to finish it before the 4pm class. I haven't read the case for Terrorism and I definitely have not read the Derrida extract for Jurisprudence. I don't think I'm going to try; it's another bloody translated article and it's just going to annoy me.

I wish I didn't have to do an exam for Jurisprudence. Trying to memorise all these things is...sigh.

*

I only slept 3 hours so I should go to bed now.