February 23rd, 2014

happy girl

I need a break from this.

It seems like these days, I write only when I'm upset. It's always made for marginally higher quality writing but I would like to write about happy things too.

Unfortunately, if I did that, it would largely - mostly, wholly? - be a lie.

There is a small part of me that can be rather manipulative. I am mostly oblivious to it and generally I wouldn't consider myself a manipulative person...but I do set 'tests' and 'traps' for the unwitting party to fall into, especially when said unwitting party has the misfortune of dating me. I could easily drop him a text when I wake up in the morning to say hello, but I don't, because this stupid issue has become such a big issue that I set him up to fail - and I hold it against him when my self-fulfilling prophecy comes true.

Sometimes, I feel like I am going absolutely fucking insane. I feel like I don't even know how to function like a normal person anymore. I am plagued with insecurities that I have never felt before. And I keep thinking about everything that could go wrong, and I can't focus on the things that could possibly go right.

Sometimes, it's pretty apparent that it's not always the distance that bothers or saddens me, but the thought that he could actually be okay with it.

I think the only way that I can not be bothered by this whole fucked up situation is if I were to emotionally distance myself from the relationship, but what's the point of a relationship if you're only halfway in? In the same vein but on the flip side, what's the point of a relationship that makes you sad?

The horrible conversation from a few days ago which prompted the previous entry keeps replaying in my head. I know you're tired, but so am I. Who do you think is the more emotionally worn-out between the two of us? I know what you want from me but I can't give it to you. I can't pretend to be happy and normal for longer than two days and when I so pretend, I'm doing it for you; but the fucking negativity ends up erupting at some point, because it's just the way it is. I feel desperately alone. I am infuriated at myself for being the rotten half of this relationship; for being the one to drop the ball and causing our plan to fail; for being the one who's bringing an excessive amount of negativity into this relationship, for causing you to say, Our relationship is on the line here, for dragging you down with me. It's one thing to have failed professionally, but quite another - and a rather excruciating one, if I may add - to fail at love, too.

Sometimes, it really does feel like everything I touch turns to stone. How can I take a vacation from myself?