August 9th, 2014

happy girl

(no subject)

My life is a microcosm of my potential PhD topic. My life is the yawning gap between the 'East' and the 'West'. I am the free-wheeling liberal 'West' - and on the other end of the extreme, my dad represents the unmoving conservative 'East'. This eternal tension between us is constantly present in my life, rearing its head varying degrees, sometimes hidden beneath the surface - but constant nonetheless. It is the reason I didn't do anything when I was younger: no wild parties, no vacations with boyfriends, little to no travelling with my friends. It is the reason all hell broke loose, so to speak, when I got to London and lived without my parents for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life, at the preposterous age of 26, I got to do whatever I wanted - I went out at night and went home whenever I wanted, I got drunk, I travelled to places, I went out with boys.

There is a reason I exalt freedom as the most important value in life; there is a reason I wrote about liberty for one of my LL.M. papers. I hate being restricted. I hate it when people tell me what to do. I hate restraints on my freedom of choice. Life, though, isn't perfect, and sometimes compromises have to be reached; but with my dad, it is not about compromising. It is about bending to his will.

He doesn't understand my point of view and I don't understand his. There can be no dialogue between us because we talk across each other - or rather, we shout at each other and it becomes a contest of noise. I do not understand, let alone share, his conservative values, and he does not understand why I think it is perfectly okay for me to crash at my boyfriend's after my lease in The Hague has expired. He is frozen in time, merely observing as the world moves on - and takes me along with it.

I love my dad. I don't want to not have a relationship with him. But it is my life. I am tired of living it for him. This perennial tension - it is killing me. I cannot do it anymore. This time, finally, something will have to give. I just hope that I will be able to handle it.


On a happier note, Wouter is Perfection.