September 8th, 2014

happy girl

An angsty entry.

I can't form a coherent, semi-elegant sentence right now, so I will type out the words that are swimming around in my head in hopes of achieving some sort of catharsis: I hate myself, I hate my life, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I miss being young, I miss the invincibility that I felt when I was 18, I wish I was stupid so that I could be happy, I don't know what I'm doing, I wish I could just settle to be ordinary and have an ordinary life and a job that doesn't matter and be happy to be married or whatever with kids and shit.

I want so much more, but I can't seem to get it, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get myself out of this, to stop floundering about in the deeper part of the sea and start swimming. What I thought was somewhat clear yesterday became trite and boring today. If this PhD doesn't happen in my dream school, my life will be over. I have no back-up plan. I don't know what I would do. I don't know anything.

At the same time, I have stopped thinking about whether it is what I really want because I don't want to confuse myself anymore. I just want to stick to something and get it over with, whatever that even means. I'm just tired of being an absolute fucking failure, of failing at everything, of being me.

Fuck this stupid entry.