August 17th, 2015

Charah coffee

The Cruelty of Fate

I am really tired, so a quick note:

I spent almost 14 hours with G on Sunday. We went to Sentosa where we relaxed on the beach for hours and swam together in the sea, then to Glutton's Bay at the Esplanade for dinner because he wanted hawker food, then sat at a Starbucks in CityLink Mall before going to Potato Head for drinks.

I wish that there was a way that we could be together. I could listen to his intellectual ruminations all day long. It is startling how we are so similar in many ways and yet different enough to keep things interesting. The best part is that he has things to say about my field; I especially liked it when he was talking about the importance of the law and said, "Law is the last line of defence."

Simultaneously, we have so much fun together and he makes me laugh. I love his silly side almost as much as I love his intellectual, serious self.

I don't know. I know it's crazy to think that we could have a stab at something, specifically something long distance, but I just feel like I don't want to let him go. He is amazing. He is almost like the male version of me, except he's the version of me in a weird alternate universe in which I am a mathematical prodigy. We have fundamentally similar values and we want the same thing in life - the best academic career that we can have. He is ambitious, as I am, and he demands of himself the highest standard, as I do (though he's definitely more disciplined and thoughtful than I am).

But I guess there is a flip side to the ambitiousness - we would each probably choose a career opportunity over a relationship. Case in point: as crazy as I am about him, the thought of giving up my Cambridge PhD to stay in Singapore and be with him has never seriously crossed my mind; and when it does cross my mind, I dismiss it as the most ridiculous idea ever. Studying in Cambridge is my DREAM and I will be doing a PhD in my dream school. How can I possibly give this up for anyone? I can't.

And yet. I wish I lived in a perfect world where I can have the academic qualification and the man all at the same time. I just don't know why it is that, when it seems (at least prima facie) that I have finally found a suitable match, the timing has to be all wrong.

I need to sleep.

(PS. I absolutely loved that he wanted to have dinner at a hawker centre. Also, he totally mastered how to order kopi c kosong peng. Can I really be blamed for thinking that he's totally my kind of man?)