February 7th, 2017

kiri win

(no subject)

I did not have a productive afternoon. The goal was to finish the first draft of Chapter 2. The goal failed. For some inexplicable reason, I found myself feeling really sleepy at 4.30pm and gave up on work at 5.30pm. I wrote a shit paragraph about Aristotle's human good based on a Stanford Encyclopaedia of Philosophy (or something like that) entry on Aristotelian ethics (I think) which I barely understood because what are Aristotelian virtues? To answer this, I would have needed to read on, but I was too sleepy and I didn't feel like it. I cannot decide if it makes more sense to refer to Aristotle (given that the whole idea of the distinctive common good which I am using in this bit is derived from Aristotle) or to Finnis (given that I referred to his argument against homosexuality in the previous section, which contains ideas of how marriage is a basic good...on second thought, this wouldn't assist me because he says that procreation is a human good, but homosexuals can't procreate. Or maybe the argument is that 377A doesn't serve any human good at all so it has nothing to do with the common good). I am going back to the library after dinner so I guess I will figure it out then.


I cooked some British leeks today (by that I mean I put them in my beehoon). Why do they not taste as yummy as when my mom cooks them at home? Oh well, my dinner is on-the-whole yummy anyway.


During my coffee run today, Matt complimented me on my tartan-with-stars scarf from Esprit. How nice to know that he has good taste. I chatted with him a bit while he made my coffee. I told him that he made me really happy yesterday with the cake which was timely as I'd had a crappy weekend (though I didn't say why I had a crappy weekend) and that it even motivated me to go to the library after my me-time. He said that he has the next two days off, which prompted me to ask what he does in his free time. Blah blah blah; and 'Read,' he said. Comics, that is; but still, the word 'read' coming out of a man's mouth is music to my ears. And he watches movies, too. He highly recommended Whiplash (from the director of La La Land <3) which I'd been wanting to watch for a while, so if I finish work at a decent time, I think I will watch it tonight.

I told Barry that Matt gave me free cake yesterday which made me really happy. He said, 'Why don't you guys just hook up already? He clearly fancies you since he's giving you free stuff.'

'Really? I think he's just being nice,' I said.

'No guy would give a girl free stuff unless he likes her. Do you really think he'd give free things to some other girl that goes in as much as you do whom he doesn't like?'

Maybe Barry has a point. It's also probably my fault for showing up at Fitzbillies with a bunch of different guys over the past few months (though only one was prima facie, but not actually, a date), and definitely my fault for being stupid enough to hold hands with V when he popped by Cambridge to 'correct a grave mistake committed at the LSE when he didn't kiss me' (ugh so fucking gross I wanna puke) which Matt saw as we walked past him; but still, he'd had all this time (since last September when he first started talking to me) to ask for my number but he never did. So his inaction directly flies in the face of Barry's hypothesis, and so I conclude that he was just being nice.

In any event, I don't want to ruin this little friendly bantering thing I've got going with him. Given my shitty luck with men, it would probably go south if anything more happened, and it would destroy my little happy space where I sometimes go for a pick-me-up. It's precisely because things have remained exactly as they are that I was able to feel really happy for a while yesterday, which then prompted my heading to the library, which led to my refining of the Finnis point. So it follows that the status quo re. Matt leads to a better PhD. Hence, in the interest of producing a good PhD (or one at all), I shall maintain the little friendly bantering thing I've got going with him...and hope that he continues to give me free stuff every once in a while because, yes, I am shameless like that.


Oddly enough, Matt appeared in my dream on Monday morning; as such, B wasn't the first person that I thought of when I woke up. Alas, this was not to be the case today.

I know time will take its course, and I know that it hasn't been that long, but I still find my thoughts wandering to thoughts of him every now and then, still see his face in my mind's eye when I am trying to write my PhD. This frustrates me; but what frustrates me more is the gaping loneliness that he's opened up. He was fun and interested in me as a person and so easy to talk to; and so the raw honesty we shared facilitated the sudden formation of the connection between us, the kind of connection that I crave for, the kind that one can't quite get in a friendship. So I miss that. But I don't want to miss him. And so I won't.


More help from friends: Elissa texted to say, 'You can do betterrrr.' Azi texted to ask if I want to go to a gig with her on Sunday. I really want to so I hope I get my bloody work done on time...but since I am who I am, the perennial lazy fuck, that is looking quite unlikely.

I really should have got a second cup of coffee from Fitzbillies, but I didn't want to anymore when I walked past at 4.10pm because Matt had gone off and I don't trust anyone else there to make it properly (except the other guy Alastair, not sure of spelling, but I haven't seen him around at all since I got back to Cambridge). Perhaps, though, desperation for stimulant to stay awake should take precedence over taste of said stimulant. I am still sleepy. But I shall head back to the library, if only just for a little over an hour.