June 11th, 2017

kiri win

(no subject)

This current bout of PMS is one of the worst in recent memories. It is debilitating. It saps me of all energy. I am enervated throughout the day, lacking in enthusiasm, feeling overwhelmed by what I have to face, suddenly feeling as if I can't.


PMS amplifies latent unhappiness, right?

I meant it when I wrote, a few entries ago, that putting up with Gareth's behaviour was worth it. But I take it back. Having him in my life in this blase peripheral manner makes me feel even lonelier than I would otherwise feel if he weren't in my life.

I want someone who wants me. His actions demonstrate that he doesn't. And so this is pointless.

I saw him on Monday. He pushed back a meeting that he had to see me. It was nice, etc., he said he'd see me this weekend.

And then...nothing.

I have too much shit to deal with. I really don't need this.

I can't even articulate properly, write proper sentences, because my current dark mood renders me inarticulate. I spent a good 30 minutes after showering breathing heavily, as if overwhelmed by all the stress factors that my fucked up PMS is amplifying.

I feel the same tightness in my chest now, the same heavy breathing coming on, so I'll just stop.


To end on a happy note: I watched Wonder Woman with John. It was really cute how excited he was at the end, all child-like.

It was an enjoyable movie but cheesy and not at all subtle. 'I believe in love,' she said at the end. How cute. Not untrue, but wow, the lack of subtlety was too much for me.