On the way to work this morning (Friday morning) I suddenly had a sinking feeling. This sinking feeling was confirmed when I reached office and hurriedly called up Singapore Airlines.
I had missed my flight.
The flight timing was Friday, 13 January 2011, 0045 hours. For some bloody inexplicable reason, I kept thinking it was at the end of Friday, not the beginning. The best part of what was possibly the biggest fuck up of my life (apart from the ex-boyfriend) was that a small nagging voice at the back of my mind kept reminding me to check the dates of the flight, because 0045 is always fucking confusing.
Okay, fine - it's just me. I swear, nobody else would have been capable of this. Nobody. I started panicking over the phone and the entire conversation with the SIA guy took place at my cubicle. My office is very quiet. The two people to my left and the person to my right can hear every single word that I said - which made it doubly embarrassing.
While I was on the phone, I tried to check other airlines for available flights - but my office computer is so lousy that virtually none of the websites loaded. Jetstar didn't load; Qantas didn't load; only Emirates loaded and all flights were full.
Ergo, when the SIA guy was halfway through putting me on waitlist for tonight's economy class flight, I decided to fuck it all and told him, "Please put me on the business class flight on Saturday morning."
The consequences are as follows:
1. I paid an additional S$1,600 for my hair-brained mistake;
2. Instead of spending my Saturday in Melbourne's south yarra area (or whatever - that's where my hotel is for the first night) like I'd originally planned, now I will be spending my Saturday on a fucking plane;
3. On the bright side, it's first class at least; and
4. My brother will forever have something to hold over my head the next time I laugh at him about his [insert silly mistake/random incompetence here, like god-awful reverse parking skills].
For all my intelligence...for all my education...I still did this.
In my defence, I'm a fucking lawyer and we're allergic to numbers. BLEAH.
I only play the lawyer card when I'm faced with an impossible mathematical situation. Usually I have a love-hate relationship with it. It's quite sad that I'm still wishing now, from time to time, that I'd done English/Literature instead.
Anyway, I was massively involved in some silly Internet contest and it started off as a joke at first, but as it went on it lit my competitive fire and towards the last few hours of the contest, I quite literally went all out in a bid to win.
In the end, I lost narrowly - it would be like losing a fifth set tie-break 20-18 after crawling back from two sets to love down. That was what it was like - essentially, I lost by one measley vote It was just a silly Internet contest, but I wanted it so badly because I had set my heart on it and when I want something and I try to get it, I would accept nothing less than success.
The disappointment that I felt when the contest ended and I lost was almost as painful as when Roger loses a match. A beat-down would probably had been easier to swallow. It's the feeling of coming so close, you can smell victory within touching distance, just to have it all yanked away by such a razor-thin margin.
It's the bitter taste of disappointment; of failure; of not getting what you wanted to get. Interestingly, my involvement in this contest made me realise that it's been a while since I wanted something so badly and tried really hard to get it. It's of no real, substantial consequence, this contest, none at all; yet, I can't really remember the last time I felt this way. I feel insanely involved when I watch tennis/Roger, but the difference lies in the fact that I have control over the outcome of a tennis match. When it comes to the things over which I do have control, for the past couple of years I haven't really been arsed to do anything.
I'm not someone who takes well to defeats, disappointments, failures - perhaps this is why I don't consciously set realistic goals that I can consciously work towards anymore. These days I increasingly feel as if my life has been a massive disappointment that has gone pretty much nowhere. I've lost sight of what I want, of who I am; stuck in a rut, really, grasping at straws and blindly trying to crawl my way out.
I don't even know what the point of the LL.M. is except to boost my own ego and to finally leave the country. I wish I had more in my life. I wish I had a different life.
Lastly, I had lunch with the f!n@nce m!n!ster on Wednesday. When he asked about the recent spate of problems that surfaced in Singapore and whether we read the news, I had to avert eye contact just in case he put me on the spot. It wasn't so much because I was intimidated; it was, quite simply, because it would have been quite awkward to say that I got my local news from The Online Citizen and that I thought the proposed ministerial paycuts were too low.
He seemed like a smart, articulate man. I'm sure he is. It was an interesting experience.
Finally going to shower and sleep, finally going to Melbourne. I AM SO EXCITED. It's almost surreal, the thought of seeing Roger in the flesh. I can't wrap my mind around it. I hope I don't faint.
(I love how I have a "stupid people" tag but not an "I'm stupid" tag.)