To say that I am exhausted would be a bit of an understatement.
To start things off on a positive note, I feel so happy. That's not quite the right word; I feel so accomplished. I had a sandwich at Pret on Kingsway after I was done with everything and just before I got up to leave, I put on Britney's Blackout on my phone. With Britney singing ridiculous nonsense to me set to irresistible beats, I felt a sense of euphoria as I walked down the now-too-familiar Kingsway to get my bus 243.
Whatever happens, no matter what happens when I get my results in two months' time and feel like committing suicide because it won't be what I have been trying to work for - whatever happens, right now, in the immediate aftermath of completing my LL.M. degree, let me enjoy my all-too-rare moment of satisfaction, of accomplishment, of sheer pride that I did this. Yes, I fucking did this. I will have an LL.M. degree from the London School of Economics and Political Science and yeah, it could be better, but life is pretty sweet as it stands.
On a slightly less positive note, I am a bit worried about the actual quality of my two essays. I am worried because this sense of pride is also related to those essays - I feel like I did a good-ish job. That is not a good sign for the actual quality of my work.
In all honesty, I know that I fucked myself over with my super last minute work. If I had spent more time on them or started earlier, I'm pretty sure my bibliographies would not have amounted to a sorry two pages for each essay. If I had spent more time reading the things that I found in a serious manner, I might have actually used more than 50% of the stuff that I printed out.
Alas, I got distracted by life, and the exams just sapped so much out of me that I couldn't find the motivation. I know for sure that I will regret this when I get my results and I don't get what I want, but whatever it is, what's done is done. I can't undo it. All I can do is hope that I am actually as smart as I think that I am, and that the two essays which I spent the past two, three weeks writing are not just good in my imagination.
Of course, I must write about how stressful and terrible the past few days have been, especially the past two days. I miraculously managed to get to a stage that resembled a completion of my Jurisprudence essay on Monday night. My initial aim was to finish it on Sunday. Clearly, I fucked up my own timeline, so instead of two days to go over my virtual child pornography essay and reduce it by 3,000 words, I had a grand total of one day: Tuesday.
On Tuesday, I woke up damn late, had lunch, went out to get groceries, and got back at 3.30. What did I proceed to do for the next hour? Absolutely fuck-all. I literally sat in front of my laptop and surfed useless things online. I didn't get started until about 4.30, which meant that I only properly started at 5 - which meant that I worked for like, 30 minutes, then went to cook. My room is fitted with an induction hob so it takes a while for me to make something as simple as bloody pasta, and by 'a while', I mean 45 minutes. At the minimum.
I took forever to eat the food that I took forever to cook. I don't even remember what I did for the rest of Tuesday; all I know is that by the time I went to bed, my word count was something astronomical like 11,000 words - for an 8,000-word essay.
Wednesday was terrible. I was forced to go to school to work on my essays because there was some maintenance work going on in my room and obviously I didn't want to be here while that was happening. I reached the library at 11 in the morning and by the time I left at like, 7 pm, I had not finished even one essay. VCP essay was something like 10,000ish words; Jurisprudence essay was 9,000ish.
I only managed to get the Jurisprudence one down to 7,997 at 2 a.m. this morning.
I spent the next three hours trying to fix the VCP one. Couldn't do it. Was too fucking tired. I literally felt giddy when I got up from my chair. I went to bed with the word count standing at 9,000ish words. Slept 3 hours, woke up at 8.30, worked on it until noon.
My VCP essay was rather precious to me. I used the philosophy of my favourite modern political theorist, Ronald Dworkin, and I worship virtually everything that he wrote, so I could not detach myself emotionally from what I wrote enough to be discerning about what is relevant and what is not. I kept taking things away from the parts dedicated to John Stuart Mill (who was a bloody racist!) and now I'm honestly not sure if I took away too much. Oh well. Not to mention - I spent so much time explaining the theories, working out in my mind and on the page how the two theories relate to each other, forming links which, granted, probably don't exist, and it really, really hurt me to have to amend any of it at all. That's what happens when one gets too emotionally invested in her own work.
I don't even know how I got through the whole day. The essays were due at 4 pm and I had to submit hard copies in school. My friend Vlada asked me to submit his for him as he's already back home. I had problems with the stupid printers - paper jam like ten million times and they changed the configuration of the printers such that the double-sided printing was fucking upside down, and I had no clue how to get to print right, so after 3 failed printings (don't even want to think about how much money I wasted), I decided to just print everything on one side. I had to settle 8 different copies of 4 different essays written by 2 different people. Doesn't sound that bad, but I was running on a combined 6 hours of sleep over the past 48 hours, AND I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. I was tired. I was hungry. I got everything done in the end out of sheer adrenaline.
The deadline was 4 pm. I submitted at 3.40 pm. Vlada texted me at 1 pm asking how it was going which only stressed me out so I didn't reply until like, 3 pm, when I was waiting for the essays to be bound. He was like, "lol, that's really last moment. Hope you make it."
OF COURSE I WAS GONNA MAKE IT. Not only am I Singaporean (we don't miss deadlines), not only did I work as a lawyer (we definitely don't miss deadlines), I am also the Last-Minute Queen. Submitting something early for me means submitting it more than 1 minute before the deadline. If something is due at 4 pm, it will be uploaded at 3.59 pm. (In fact, my soft copy essays were technically uploaded at 3.59 pm but I had to re-upload cos of some issues with the files.) And I make it every single time; I don't remember ever having missed a deadline for an assignment.
Was supposed to meet Arnaud but he was damn late and I was too tired to wait, and I have to go for dinner behind my hall which started 9 minutes ago, so I am going to leave now.
Today has been a day of miracles. I can't believe I got through it and got everything done the way they had to be done.
I will end off by saying...I am so fucking proud of myself.
Oh my god, I hope I get to attention graduation. (i.e. I said before that I won't attend if I don't get a distinction.)
PS. Title for Jurisprudence essay was a fluke of inspiration. I had no title until 1pm today when I was filling out the cover sheet and remembered that I hadn't thought of a title. Alas, the most interesting part of the essay is the title.
PPS. Thank you, Maurice Ravel, for making such beautiful music that accompanied me through thick and thin throughout these past couple of weeks. Love you forever.