anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

SO DISAPPOINTED.

Okay, seriously, what the fuck? Provisional results:

Programme : Master of Laws


Session


Course


Title


Level


Value


Prov Mark


Prov Grade
2012/3 LL453 International Human Rights V 1 71 DI
2012/3 LL475 Terrorism and the Rule of Law V .5 72 DI
2012/3 LL4A8 International Law and the Use of Force V .5 72 DI
2012/3 LL4Z7 Comparative Constitutional Law: Rights V .5 68 M


What I wrote after CCL: Rights exam: here.

What I wrote after International Human Rights exam:


Today is the day that I crash back down to earth.

International Human Rights exam was an unmitigated disaster. I picked a question that I did not study for, that I never once ever in my entire time here read anything for, and the lecture for this topic took place in the second week of my course - way back in October. I had no idea what the question was asking. I had no idea what to write. The thing was, the question that I studied for threw me a curveball and cited some concept that I did not recognise; later, after the exam, my friend would tell me that it appears in an article that I read a month ago.

I came back. Checked Moodle. Checked what the 'historical antecedents' lecture was actually about. Found out that it probably would have made no difference if I had not submitted my answer.

I do not deserve a mere pass for this course. That is probably what I am going to get because I am going to fail that question. Even if the other two essays were out of this world brilliant (which they are not), the most that I can get is a merit in the low range. At this point, I'm quite willing to settle for that. At this point, I will be happy with anything that starts with a '6'.

I'm so genuinely fucking upset. I have never attempted a question in an exam that I knew absolutely nothing about. I should have done the question that I prepared for; even if I got the third concept totally wrong, at least I would have got the 'Asian values' and 'savages-victims-saviours' concepts right; at least two-thirds of the answer would have been right. Now, now, my whole fucking answer is absolutely dead wrong.

My ambition has just gone up in flames. I can't believe how badly I screwed up. I just can't believe this. I wish I could wake up and realise that it was all a nightmare...but it's not. And I can't believe it.


Let's forget for a second how utterly preposterous it is that I got a 71 in that course. Let's turn to the last course in that table, CCL: Rights. When I clicked on my provisional results the first thing thing that I felt was disappointment when my brain registered the 68 before registering anything else. Even after it registered the other marks, it was not enough to wipe away the disappointment. There is no delicate way to say this, so I'll just say it: I can't fucking believe that I didn't get a fucking distinction for my best fucking exam in my second-favourite fucking course by my favourite professor.

I don't know what's the matter with him. I don't know why he's so damn hard to impress. I honestly thought I killed that exam. My LL.M. in general was pretty smooth-sailing; all in all, it was an affirmation of my already over-inflated ego...except, that is, for the two times when I got essays back from this particular professor which made me feel utterly inadequate - the same way I am feeling right now, looking at that ugly number next to his course title. At least this is the highest mark he's ever given me, I guess. I mean, a 68 is an improvement from a 65, then a 67, right? Fuck this shit.

It is one thing fluking a good mark in a course that I expected not to do well in (or, really, courses, including International Law and the Use of Force which I absolutely hated), i.e. it doesn't make me that happy because I don't feel like I deserved it. It is another thing ALTOGETHER to do badly not as well in a course that I expected, hoped, to do well in, because I thought everything went well. I don't know what went wrong. I don't know what I could have done better - and that's the worst part. I don't know what I could have done better. Do you know how much it sucks and how bad it feels to have done what you think to be your best (god I hate this stupid weak useless self-consoling phrase - your best. As if anyone gives a shit about 'your best' if it doesn't translate to actual results) and STILL, STILL fucking fall short?

I don't have provisional marks for Jurisprudence and Theory of Human Rights Law yet. To get a distinction overall, I will need a distinction in just one of them and a merit in the other. Since Kai Moller doesn't think that I'm smart enough for a distinction, that means that Theory of a goner. But since I fucked up my Jurisprudence exam AND the extended essay (looking back, I'm convinced that my essay was shit), that is a goner as well. In short: 99% chance I'm gonna get a merit in the end.

I hate my life. That is all.
Tags: exams, llm
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