I think I have finally pinpointed just what is lacking in my life. It's not the lack of a male companion who makes me feel special. I mean, yes, it would be nice, but it's not everything. It's not even anything. I've been feeling that emptiness more and more lately because it has never been filled in the first place. Look at the friendships I have. I'd be lying if I said I could rely on the friends to help me out when I reach the end of the emotional road, or need any help with myself. I don't know. Maybe I'm not giving them a chance...or actually, that's not true. I can count on two hands the number of times I've been angry, upset, depressed even, in school, and nobody bothered. Like this entry, for instance. All I have is myself, and I really cannot rely on me alone to make things right. I'm not strong enough, and I don't believe in the existence of a higher power, so don't give me the religious talks that "god is with you" or "allah is with you" or whatever.
I don't know. It's really quite fucked up. I've lived almost 16 years, and the only thing close to a meaningful relationship is the one with Claire. I can't stress enough how much she means to me. She has been the only one whom I can spill my guts to, and whom I can count on to help me and make me feel better. Oddly enough, she understands what I'm going through. We get each other. This is the friendship that I cherish with all my heart. I'm not saying I don't treasure my other friendships, but I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of them emotionally, you know? We have fun, and that's important, but when it comes to the heavy stuff, I'm all alone again.
Of course, I can't guarantee that I'd be there for you if you need me (though I don't see why anyone would), but I can say with complete honesty that more than likely, I would. I try to carry out actions as I speak them, but I'm human. I slip up. When I don't write you back, it usually means I have nothing else to say to you. I appreciate the letters, the notes, the cheer-you-ups...but somehow, I'm still empty.
Maybe when I graduate, things would change? After all, I'd be going to a new school, meeting new people and stuff like that. All I can do right now is hope.
And I'm definitely meeting Claire one day, no doubt about that.
Does anyone know where can I find comprehensive notes on the themes in Julius Caesar online? My test is on Monday. I cannot afford to fuck this one up, so please show me the way if you know it. I'd love you forever.