anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Plan B.

Maybe I should go on anti-depressants, because feeling, the act of it, feelings, all of the above, can be a real drag sometimes ('a' because 'real drags' sounds funny and just pretend 'all of the above' is collectively a whole which then justifies the singular 'a'). Anything remotely British makes me cringe now, even Julian Barnes...thankfully though, I managed to read the fourth chapter of Metroland early this morning and was wowed again by how brilliant he is, so yeah.

I think the main reason I got rejected is because my written test was really, really, really atrocious. I was never awesome at prac crit in JC, but that piece of shite I wrote at the Hwa Chong auditorium last year was worse than all of my bad pieces combined. And no, spending one year away from Literature did not help at all and certainly did nothing to remove the blank that suddenly materialised in my head, so that even my essay was an absolute piece of nonsense.

I suppose Cambridge has a reputation to safeguard; hence.

Still, it sucks all the same, more than words can possibly describe. I think I'm coming to terms though.

Worst-case scenario? Stay in Law and try not to kill myself between now and, oh, I don't know, the rest of my freaking life.

My biggest issue is that I've pretty much decided (okay, realised) that my defining passion is writing. Nothing can ever replace that. I don't and can't get any sort of satisfaction doing something else, and while it is true that being in Law school doesn't mean I have to stop writing, it is also true that my writing is more flawed than I'd like to believe and I'm not well-read enough to give it the depth it's possibly capable of. There's only been one thing I'm even vaguely good at my whole life, and that's writing.

Needless to say though, the Cambridge rejection cast a long, dark shadow of doubt over that, too. It did nothing to help my already-weakening self-esteem and my sort of non-existent optimism for my future and my life, and a part of me still thinks that the rejection pretty much means I'm shitty at English/Literature.

But you still hear stories of people with even better grades than yourself getting rejected from Oxbridge and somehow, your own rejection doesn't seem that special anymore. You're sore and bitter and upset, and so are the 80% of Oxbridge applicants who received the same thinner-than-toilet-paper letter in the mail and had to read the same words of quasi-consolation: "After careful consideration of your application, we are unable to offer you a place. Blah blah blah, we are unable to forward your name to the inter-colleges pool, blah blah blah, applicants rejected from Cambridge/Oxford go on to be really successful in their course of study, blah blah blah." Of course, you wish it'd turned out differently, but you can't change what's already been written in stone; all you can do is to grin and bear it, then accept it, then move on with your (stinkin'?) life.

Well, that, and also this curious thing about how the things that I want always turn to shit because that's been the story of my life thus far but I don't feel like delving into that right now.

To be honest, I think another reason for the rejection might have had something to do with the fact that I was from Jurong Junior. I could be wrong, though. The main reason is, of course, that lousy, horrendous, incompetent written test I took, and MAYBE even my retarded "James Joyce is a Medieval writer!" insinuation during the interview.

Whatever though. School starts tomorrow and I'm filled with dread. My self-calculated CAP score/GPA/whatever it's called is utterly embarrassing. You know, if I get over the whole I Hate Law School thing enough to actually study, maybe I can start thinking of getting better grades. Because, you know, getting bad grades suck a lot of ass. I wonder what Legal Theory is about and where the readings in the reading list are. They're probably in my mailbox, which is apparently full but I haven't been bothered to go back to school to open it and retrieve all the reading materials. And guess what sucks? I'm sitting in the last freaking row for Legal Theory - there goes any tiny hope of me saying more than two sentences in class to get a decent mark for that 25% class participation portion.

I want to sit in front! Gah.

I finished my fifth viewing of Veronica Mars Season 1 and whenever I watch that awesome scene between Keith and Veronica in the last episode, I still get a lump in my throat. Talk about touching! I hate the way Veronica treated Logan though. Couldn't she have confronted him about whatever instead of always running the hell away? The girl is dysfunctional, I tell you - which is exactly why I'm so in love with her. It's exactly what I do, too - run away instead of confront. Sometimes you badly need confrontations but you choose to run and things get even more out of control. It's so crazily realistic and awesome.

Also, I finished watching Cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model and I'm pleased that the winner won. She's absolutely gorgeous.

Off to do SAT Math now. I did the MCQ practice questions and I got, like, 11 out of 18 right. What a freaking waste of money.

Oh, and I'm in love with Jay Chou Jie Lun again. I watched his music video for Si Mian Chu Ge and I so wanted to be Zhou Xun, the actress in the vid. The seduction scenes were hot. And he looks hot and suave in a suit. And that waltz scene was gorgeous too.

I still don't like the way he speaks though. It's so...Taiwanese. Like, bad Taiwanese, lacking-in-education Taiwanese, totally unlike my Dad's Mandarin or Ma Ying-jeou's Mandarin (I think I spelled his name wrong). Also, his jokes aren't funny. I get that they're supposed to be funny, but they're just NOT FUNNY.

Still, I absolutely loved this one part of Si Mian Chu Ge that goes something like, "Wo hai shi wo, shei dou gai bian bu liao wo, sui ran you hen duo gong jian shou xiang she xia wang shang pa de wo..." (Rough and bad translation: Even though there are people trying to bring me down I am still me and nothing can change me.)

He's quite awesome, I think. That Korean kid Rain's got nothing on him.

Tags: angst, cambridge, jay chou, law school, personal, tv shows, veronica mars, writing

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