First day of Semester Two. I'm on the verge of dropping out. I face my days with a strong, heady sense of dread that I feel in every fibre of my being and I'm past telling myself to think positive now, because that obviously hasn't worked out too well for me. I don't know, it's complicated. I can't even properly articulate why I dislike law school so much, except that I do and that's all I need to know.
Not good enough reason for the folks though. I hate getting into confrontations with them over my university education.
And, sorry mom, I love you and all but I refuse to believe that a university degree is a mere means to an end. If living were all about making money then I shouldn't be alive, should I? I used to admire people who are driven by their sole motive of becoming rich, but now I feel sorry for them. They don't have much else going on for them, do they? If money is the be-all-end-all then, really, why do we bother trying so hard to stay alive? What makes us so special that we go out of our ways to distinguish ourselves from other animals? If money is the answer to every single question that life throws at us, we're really no different from our four-legged friends.
There has to be more than just getting a degree to secure a steady rice bowl. I mean, seriously - how fucking banal is such a pseudo-motivation? Maybe that's my problem; I was swayed by this law school thing primarily because of the money. I had my ideals and all but that constituted about 10% of the entire picture; the prestige took up 15%; dad's expectations, 15%; and the remainder? The promise of Money.
Oh, but I'm sorry, I found out that I'm simply not that type of person. I'm not a money-spinning machine and I will never be one; it's as simple as that.
And at the same time it's soooo complicated. For the first time in my life I think I truly understand what it means to feel suicidal, on the verge of depression, a nervous breakdown. If I go on like this, going to school for the sake of it and nothing more, all the time with the firm knowledge that I'm wasting my life, I may just have to ask for those anti-depressants.
(Cue Celeste Kane telling Duncan, "There's no shame in taking anti-depressants." Yeah, try living in an Asian society.)
My last-ditch attempt to get me a better option: I'm adding choices on UCAS Track but it's fucking pissing me off. I've been trying to pay for my bloody additional options for the whole flipping afternoon and every single time I get a page saying that there'd been an error and that my card was declined. Screw that. I emailed UCAS hours ago and no freaking reply. Thanks a lot. I tried again a few minutes ago; this time, my card wasn't declined - because the stupid page never loaded enough to tell me if my payment was successful or not.
Have I mentioned that I'm pissed off? Remember that time I stayed up until 7 a.m. on New Year's Day applying to Yale and came across some stupid problem and emailed the Common Application tech support staff and got a response a minute later? THAT was good service. And I didn't even have to pay for it; the US$75 was Yale's application fee only. So I'm forking out 15 pounds to UCAS and for freaking what? If I miss the Jan 15 deadline because of this, someone is SO going to get sued.
Oh wait, I just got a reply from UCAS.
IT'S A FREAKING AUTOMATED RESPONSE.
Screw you, idiots. That is, like, so totally helpful.
Anyway, I think the most likely scenario is five more rejections because my personal statement sucks and I can't amend it. If I could, I'd take out the bit about me being in NUS Law right now. I read on a forum that such things deter universities from making an offer. Which is understandable. But 'understandable' doesn't work for me so that stinks, too.
Yes, I know: What infantile language. I can't be bothered, to be honest.
Anyway, I kind of enjoyed Legal Theory today. Go figure. I didn't read the stuff beforehand 'cause I only retrieved my notes today when I went to school (obviously I wasn't arsed to go back to school to get my stuff; why would I do that?) and I wouldn't have bothered reading if the materials weren't about Harvard Law students. And yeah, it was interesting; at least, the first half of the first article which I read was interesting. It seems like this strange High School Plus syndrome doesn't only apply to NUS Law; it applied/applies to Harvard Law School, too. And because Harvard Law is a post-graduate programme, you'd expect people to be more mature and subscribe less to herd mentality, but no. It's sad, really. And the quotes from students? Most of them were semi-radical, leftist people whose views ultimately didn't have a role to play in law school and the profession itself. Basically, the legal framework and an individual's sense of right and wrong are almost mutually exclusive.
The horrible thing about this is, that kind of makes sense to me (and no I am not bothered to elaborate). But you see, I don't like sense. I don't like rationality. And I hate pragmatism with a fervent passion, so much so that I don't have the words to describe it. Pragmatism is selling out, it's incongruous with artistic ideals and values, and pragmatism is conformity, doing what society expects of you, even if society happens to be a crock of shit.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if I'm even doing something with it. I just know that I want to write; that's about my only conviction that's really a conviction. It has to be, hasn't it? I've been wanting the same thing for years now.
At times like these, I find myself wishing I hadn't scored enough A's for the A Levels to get into law school, so that I wouldn't have to be sidetracked.
I will figure things out eventually. In the meantime, I'm going to live vicariously through Veronica Mars.
Speaking of which, I am so PISSED OFF that the new episode has been pushed back a week. It's now airing in the States on the 25th of this month which means I only get to watch it on the 27th (start download on 26th, finish download on 27th morning, wait till 27th 12 midnight to watch, as usual, without disturbances from family members. Watching VM is an extremely sacred and important experience/ritual) and I'm already half-dead from the anticipation. I'm actually entertaining notions of Logan being behind the bus crash - how crazy is that? I can't believe my faith in him has been shaken by my anxiety to know what happens next, whether Veronica will return to the Season 1 Veronica we all know and love, if Duncan will do all of us a favour and get a freaking personality...everything.
The suspense kills. It really does.
We moot this semester and I'm dreading that. Yeah, what else is new?
I think if I can get a part-time job writing for someone I'd be less inclined to kill myself over the general shittiness of my so-called life.
But hey, this is Singapore. No such luck for me.