anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

I wrote this on 25 November 2013:

He had no way of knowing what he was getting himself into when he decided that he liked the look of the girl in the library. I showed no signs of my depressive side during those two months that he spent getting to know me, not even in the few weeks after he kissed me for the first time. There was never a caveat emptor, and I meant it everytime I was like this and told him, I think I'm just like that.

It means exactly that. I have always been like this. I will always be like this. It's only a matter of what I get depressed about. He asked me a couple of days ago why I was so negative and the answer was the same: it's just who I am. I'm just like that. How do you tell someone so negative to try to be positive when that state of mind simply isn't in her nature? It's like telling a gay man to try to be attracted to a woman or asking someone with no talent for drawing to try to draw a life-like portrait of another person.

I hid it well, but he's gotten so close to me that I have been absolutely uninhibited on putting this side of me on full display. When will he tire of this? I am already tired of myself. I can't help but wonder if it's simply a matter of time. (emphasis added)

I would say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it was really more of a logically-deductible outcome based on an understanding of human nature that one has acquired over the years of one's life. I knew then that his sensitive handling of my depressive outbursts wasn't sustainable...but what I didn't know was how long this general, pervasive sense of lethargy that I've been feeling for the past few months would last.

I'm at a dead end. I'm finally backed into a corner with nowhere to turn. My sense of self-worth is at an all-time low. And it's taking a potentially deadly hit on this relationship.

He's changed his tune, but I don't blame him. Reading back on my entries helped me remember what he used to say when I called him teary-eyed and/or sobbing during the period when he was in Thailand. Contrast that with what he said today. But I don't blame him. I wish he'd stick by me more, but I know that I am being irrational. I know what the facts are - the facts are that I have given him no reason to believe, ever since he came back from Thailand, that his physical presence had made a difference. We fought all the same; we spent half the time talking about our problems without resolving anything; and I still feel like a complete failure for my inability to turn my situation around (notice how I am avoiding spelling out the obvious. That is how much my pride is hurting).

I don't know what I expect from him. Or rather, more accurately, I know that my expectations/hopes are based on pure selfishness. I know that he had to go back to France, and rationally, I don't blame him. Irrationally, however, I feel like he's abandoned me. What did I expect, though? That he'd stay in London burning money just for me, when all I did was pick fights with him every two days?

Every single thing in my life right now makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I don't know why it's hard to be happy. Sometimes I wish that I'd never met him, just so I don't have to feel the pain of the diametrically-opposed pictures of what we used to be, and what we have become - and that the latter is all because of me.
Tags: angst, arnaud, job hunting in london, london, personal, relationships

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