So tired from finally unpacking everything and making my room my own.
Maybe I'll post pictures if I feel like it.
The Hague is still boring.
I broke up with Arnaud.
It's been a week since the break up and we have not talked to each other, so it's for good this time.
I'd known for a while that we weren't right for each other...then again, maybe I shouldn't speak for him. I'd known for a while that he wasn't right for me for a host of reasons, but I held on because I genuinely loved him. Unfortunately, things started going downhill when he left London and went back to France. I went through what was probably the loneliest and most depressing period of my 1.5 years in London and I missed him all the time, so much so that I felt sad and morose and down most of the time. The only thing that I could do for myself was to place some distance between myself and the relationship, just so I didn't feel terrible every single day.
The consequence of that was that my feelings faded. I couldn't handle the distance. I will not be able to handle the distance. I'd rather have nothing than to have something half-fucked; if I couldn't have all of him, then I didn't want him at all. I cannot be in a relationship with someone that I see once or twice a month, and for a few days each time. He didn't feel like a part of my life and I didn't feel like a part of his. I needed more. I want more.
It's always sad when something ends but it helps to focus on the things that drove me away and not the things that brought us together and what made me fall in love with him. It has to be this way because I briefly entertained the thought of going to Berlin to see him, but what would've been the point of that? It would've sucked me back into another endless cycle of fights and increasing resentment and me wanting to leave and him thinking everything is, or will be, all right. It has to be this way, too, because when I think about how we snuggled up next to each other towards the end of the road trip, when we finally got to his house after one day's worth of driving, or when I picture him speaking his own language, or when I remember what he said on the night of the break up (I'm left alone, writing your name in the sand)...I am reminded of a sense of loss that I don't want to feel.
I don't want to miss him anymore. This relationship is absolutely over. I want to move on with my life. I feel unfulfilled in every single aspect of my life and being with him from a distance did not fill some of the void; it will not fill some of the void. Writing about this is making me cry, but no matter; I know that the sadness that I feel will go away with time. It always does.
Goodbye Arnaud. Thank you for everything that you've done. Thank you for loving me.