He's got a surprise for me in Utrecht. I bugged him to tell me what it was, or in the alternative, give me some clues; yet, in the same breath, I did an about-turn and said, 'Wait, don't tell me; I want to be surprised.'
I want to be surprised and yet I don't want to wait to find out what it is. What do I really want then? Isn't that the perennial question of my very existence?
I'm either indecisive, or I am a living contradiction. I am a lazy over-achiever. I am an unpaid intern at nearly 28 years of age because I was too indecisive, or afraid, or something else that currently eludes me, to know with certainty - or as much certainty as one could muster given the constant uncertainties that surround life - what I wanted to do with my life. Did I really not know, though, or did I want too much? Even now - there are two things that I think that I want. One is more attainable than the other. I should focus on one, but somehow, I can't let go of the other. And yet - I am doing nothing about it (about either of them). Indecisive; ambitious yet lazy; I guess the upside is that I have pretty much given up on the writing dream.
I am madly in love with Wouter. At the same time, whatever little rationality that I still retain, which remains indifferent to the intensity of my feelings for him, reminds me, quite constantly, of a curious fact of my romantic history: I have had five boyfriends, with varying degrees of seriousness, and I have only had my heart broken once. Granted, this guy apparently broke my heart three times, but still. What this says is that I have an 80% chance of walking away from this, for whatever reason. I am always the one to leave. It is perhaps a deeply-seated personality flaw: the tendency to get bored when the initial sheen of a brand new love eventually, inevitably, wears off.
This is what I am afraid of. It's rather preposterous; most girls, perhaps most people, would be afraid of getting hurt, and not being the one that hurts another. For me, I am afraid of hurting him. He is the most amazing guy that I have ever met. I don't ever want to hurt him.
But I don't make gratuitous promises; in the same vein, I only make promises that I can keep. I can't promise that my feelings will never change. I can't promise that this will work out. I certainly can't promise that my personality defect wouldn't strike once again; that I wouldn't feel the air being slowly sucked out of my lungs as we add more and more days, and months, perhaps years, to the length of our relationship; and that, simply put, I wouldn't get the urge to leave.
All I can promise is the now, and the authenticity of my feelings in the now. Right now, I am madly in love with him, so much so that I really, really want this to work. I don't want to get bored anymore. If this works out, I am done looking.
I can't wait for Utrecht! He's so amazing that every date with him feels brand new, because he makes the effort to do something different and special with me each time. (I hope it's not because he's trying to prevent me from getting bored...) I can't wait to see him. I would be excited to see him even without a surprise in the works. Sometimes, I just want to be with him all day long, looking at him, snuggled next to him, his arms around me squeezing me tight, doing absolutely nothing in particular.
I still can't believe he's real.
My Irish friend from work told me that he thought Wouter was stunning. I couldn't stop giggling throughout the whole conversation.
My Irish friend is quite right. There were moments during the first date where Wouter was saying something and I was looking at him and suddenly I stopped registering what he was saying because he was smiling at the same time and all I could think about was how absolutely fucking gorgeous his smile was, and how this guy sitting across me in the tallest building in the Netherlands was incredibly good-looking.
When he got up to go to the toilet, I unthinkingly turned my head in his direction as he walked off, and I definitely registered the hotness of what I saw.
I can't wait to see him. In the meantime, I definitely have to go to bed.