I need a moment. I need a moment like Veronica's in Episode 2-12 (Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle), that defining, definitive moment of truth at Java the Hut during the karaoke session that turned things around for her. I really need new episodes to start right now.
Anyway, I haven't been updating properly because the mood hasn't been there, and I'm getting a bit tired of writing...well, I don't know, writing things that don't really...matter. I guess. Like I said, I don't know.
But there are a couple of important issues to address:
#1: I walked into Esprit yesterday just to see if my jeans size has dropped even more without me doing anything to aid the dropping, and lo and behold, I found myself fitting in, without any difficulty, into a couple of size 34's. Like, fuck, because FUCK. The more I see myself naked in the mirror, the more I can't comprehend the insane weight loss - especially since I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO LOSE WEIGHT. I eat normally, I haven't thrown up in literally years, and once again I haven't been swimming. I'm really just sitting around, eating and sleeping, doing absolutely jack shit. So, I don't know, what the hell is going on? I wish I knew.
#2: My Pub Law seminar was a complete disappointment and I'm so considering crashing Rui's class just for the heck of it. I'm sorry, but I don't care about anything anymore. I told Rui today in school that I'm apathetic and it's true: I, Yelen, am bloody apathetic. I don't care about the country, I don't care about free speech, I don't care about my constitutional rights, I don't care that the government is infringing on my constitutional rights. Can I just die? Because life ain't worth living if I'm apathetic, because that's not who I am.
But then again, Iago said it best: I am not what I am. What does it matter, you know? What does it matter, really? People change. They change all the time. Why do we try to cling on in futility and ridiculous desperation to something constant when change is the only constant? Just accept whatever hits you in the face, grin and bear it, live your life, move the hell on. Seriously. You'd think that years of living in this world would've taught you something - but apparently not.
Trusts tutorial was a blur. THW asked me a question - something about what a gift inter vivos pr whatever is - and I didn't do my tutorial, didn't do any of my readings, don't even have my fucking textbook, and so I said, I don't know. He probed further and asked me to make an educated guess based on the other two parts of the question. I looked at them, one of them was another bloody Latin phrase, couldn't make sense of it, the other was in English but might as well have been in Greek. No use pretending, you know? Just face up to the truth and save everyone's time. So I went, I have no idea. I guess I'm not educated.
Ha, ha, ha. I'm waiting for Strike Three to either drop me out of law school or wake me up and force me to start attempting to do my fucking work. Because Trusts tutorial was Strike Two. Strike One was during LCS lecture when the lecturer randomly called on me when, as usual, I wasn't paying an ounce of attention, and thus didn't hear her question. I asked Rui and Mag what she asked. It was something along the lines of, What's a secured loan?
Fucked if I knew.
Fucked, in fact, if I cared. So, in the interest of saving everyone's time, I went, I don't know.
Notice how I don't say "I'm not sure"? Whenever people say "I'm not sure" I get agitated because I'll always remember what Tim Dore said about that phrase in GP three years ago, about how it's dishonest and avoiding the point. Because the truth is, you don't know. Saying you're "not sure" implies some degree of knowledge, which, more often than not, is completely absent in the person claiming to be unsure. So, again, to save everyone's time, just cut to the chase, be honest, and say you don't bloody know. Honesty is the best policy, ain't it?
Well, not all the time actually, but whatever. I'm honest to a fault and that bloody annoys me. Something has to be done about that.
Watched Blood Diamond with Ruishan yesterday after an awesome lunch with her and Mag at Fish n Co. I'm a huge fan of Leonardo DiCaprio, as anyone who knows anything about me would know. And there you have it: My only reason for wanting to watch Blood Diamond. If it were some other actor not named Joaquin Phoenix, I highly doubt I would've watched it. It was pallid, run-of-the-mill, nothing I haven't seen before, and Hotel Rwanda was better. But still, just watching Leonardo DiCaprio do his raw, intense, on-fire acting was worth the price of the ticket alone. Ah, how I love watching him. I bet he's, like, totally shaggable too.
Okay, that was irrelevant.
Ran into some law people at the box office and it turned out they were watching the same movie at the same time. Interesting encounter.
I was completely falling asleep during Trusts tutorial. I either couldn't concentrate at all, or was, like I said, falling asleep. I hate this module.
I didn't pay attention in Pub Law either. I'm beginning to see a trend here, but in any case, I lost my willpower to listen when TLA talked about Thomas Hobbes. Because his theory is, like, so difficult, and my brain just cannot handle such complex reasoning.
I'm wearing this halter I bought ten million years ago that I never got round to wearing because it made me look fat. It's Lycra and Lycra hugs your fats and yeah I had more fats back then and I think that kinda explains why I'm cold all the time nowadays.
Must. Stop. Losing. Weight.
This entry is going nowhere.