I want so much more, but I can't seem to get it, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get myself out of this, to stop floundering about in the deeper part of the sea and start swimming. What I thought was somewhat clear yesterday became trite and boring today. If this PhD doesn't happen in my dream school, my life will be over. I have no back-up plan. I don't know what I would do. I don't know anything.
At the same time, I have stopped thinking about whether it is what I really want because I don't want to confuse myself anymore. I just want to stick to something and get it over with, whatever that even means. I'm just tired of being an absolute fucking failure, of failing at everything, of being me.
Fuck this stupid entry.