anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Over the last few days, I have proven myself quite incapable of sustaining a normal, healthy, human relationship. There is something fundamentally wrong with my emotional and mental make-up when I find myself pushing away the most amazing guy to have ever walked into my life. I wish someone could grab me by the neck right now and shake some sense into me, inject it into my veins, find some way of making me stop this destructive behaviour. But I notice the comma splices. Sometimes I genuinely don't understand what he's saying. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish that he read.

I can't even explain why language is so fundamentally important to me, but it is. I owe my current position in my life so far partly to my English language skills; it is because I am good at it that I am able to make it look like I fully comprehend a complex legal or theoretical point, when in fact, I don't really know what I'm talking about. This ability has enabled me to get good grades, especially at the LSE when I competed against Europeans and other non-native English speakers. For some reason, it's morphed me into a walking spelling/grammar auto-correct kind of thing. I cannot help it.

It would be okay except that it's leaving disastrous (I'm not even going to say 'potentially' because the damage has already been done) consequences for my current relationship. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I am so gobsmacked that I haven't the adequate words for it. For it has to be true, at least to some extent, that even if he isn't the fantasised ideal, he is without a doubt the ideal that I choose for myself because I know how good he is.

I seriously wish I was less retarded, that I didn't overthink everything, that I could just choose to settle and own the choice, that I could just be fucking happy.


On another note, first day of work was slow but interesting, thanks to the first of the series of interviews with the Fijian ambassador who negotiated the Convention on the Law of the Seas (not writing his name because I don't want to be Googled).

PhD interview with Cambridge was...okay. I can't really gauge how I did because it started at 12.20 am Singapore time and I was so tired when it ended that I promptly forgot half of what took place. I definitely did my usual nonsense of forgetting the point I was making in the middle of my sentence, so there was this moment of really long silence on my end when I realised that I forgot my point and the fucking question and panicked. I'm the sort who completely freezes when panicking, so a long silence ensued before I finally asked if she could repeat the question.

My answers sounded better in my head when I was mentally rehearsing. I could have said a lot more, but didn't. At the same time, I don't think I said anything totally wrong or off the point or misleading; hopefully, I demonstrated a clear understanding of my proposed topic and was convincing in conveying how it's an unexplored area of human rights law and theory. I probably have to wait at least two weeks...bleah.


I am completely exhausted. Went for a MARUAH briefing session on volunteering with their report to the Human Rights Council for Singapore's Universal Periodic Review. I have quite a lot to do. It should be interesting.


I don't know what to do about myself.
Tags: personal, phd application, relationships, work, wouter

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